NFL Week 3 Picks – Hernandez

Keith, Mex and I still haven’t ramped up the posting schedule as much as we’d like, so these NFL picks posts will have to suffice for now. And even though I know you’re all dying for more content, we’re busy men, so bear with us as we get back into the swing of things. Soon the leaves will turn, the weather will dampen, and we will be snug in our humble abodes with nothing to do except watch sports, drink beer and piss all over your favorite teams and players. Yay autumn!

To recap last week’s action, Keith nipped me 11-5 to 10-6. Through two weeks he leads overall 19-13 to my shitty 16-16. It’s a long season, and I know it will ebb and flow, but I need to go on a run so I don’t lose all credibility as Someone Who Knows Something About Football. I’m hopeful it begins right now, following the giddy, quirky first two weeks when anything can and usually does happen. Now that the novelty is wearing off and the chicks are beginning to stop tuning in, the good teams will separate themselves from the bad. Or so I hope.

Normally I’d sex you up with a long, sensual picks post packed with foreplay, dirty talk, peaks, valleys, and an explosive climax. But my time is limited, so you will have to settle for an old fashioned nipple tweak and too-fast pounding before I blow my load and pass out. It’s better than nothing.

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Browns at Ravens (13.5)

Here’s a tip for down the road: Baltimore looks good on offense, but that defense is a tiny bit suspect. Remember this later. Fortunately it won’t hurt them this week against the team I firmly believe is the worst in the league. (And I hope to fuck the little birdie in my head that keeps telling me, “This line is too high!” is wrong.)

Pick: Ravens

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Packers (7) at Rams

The Packers are overrated, and the Rams are going to be tough to play as the year goes on. See that dead horse? Yeah, I’m beating it. Story of my life.

Pick: Rams

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Giants (7) at Buccaneers

A John McEnroe Special if there ever was one: “You cannot be serious!”

Pick: Giants

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Chiefs at Eagles (8)

We should all be thankful I don’t have the time to explain exactly how much I love the Chiefs to cover this one.

Pick: Chiefs

Obligatory Michael Vick Comment: I hate Michael Vick as a quarterback, the Eagles as a team and Philadelphia as a city more than most of you will ever know. Still, this outrage over the dog fighting is so out of proportion I’m actually rooting for Vick to play well just to piss off the animal rights nutjobs. Most of these delusional jackasses deserve their own rape stands.

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Redskins (6.5) at Lions

I’m rolling with Detroit Rock City until they break their streak. It’s gonna’ happen folks.

Pick: Lions

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Saints (6) at Bills

Toughest pick of the week? For me, yes.

Pick: Bills

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Falcons at Patriots (4)

Brady has been terrible for 7 of the 8 quarters he’s played so far, and the team is still only one TD away from being 2-0. Once he gets comfortable all of this early season panic will seem silly.

Pick: Patriots

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Titans at Jets (2.5)

Same old Jets, only now with extra annoyance!

Pick: Titans

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49ers at Vikings (7)

No respect.

Pick: 49ers

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Jaguars at Texans (3.5)

I don’t give a hoot about either of these two teams, and neither do the people of Jacksonville and Houston.

Pick: Texans

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Bears (2) at Seahawks

Cuntler trumps Parsley Sage Rosenfelds and Thyme.

Pick: Bears

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Steelers (4) at Bengals

The Bengals are coming for your women.

Pick: Bengals

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Broncos (1.5) at Raiders

Two allegedly shitty teams playing surprisingly well to start the season, plus they’re bitter divisional rivals, and somehow the road team is favored? I don’t get it.

Pick: Raiders

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Dolphins at Chargers (6)

Dolphins should have won last week. And I may be the only football fan left who still thinks they have a shot to be good.

Pick: Dolphins

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Colts at Cardinals (1.5)

Lucky fucks get taught a lesson.

Pick: Cardinals

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Panthers at Cowboys (9)

Pick me another winner Jerry!

Pick: Panthers

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Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz