I think Hernandez died in your arms tonight. It must’ve been something you said.
August 2017 M T W T F S S « Jun 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31
I think Hernandez died in your arms tonight. It must’ve been something you said.
Hernandez and I took a bye week last week from our picks column as I travelled to Spain, particularly Barcelona which translates loosely from Spanish into “land of beautiful women on mopeds”. They should strongly consider making this an Olympic sport by the time they get to to Rio de Janeiro. I was discussing with some Brits while I was there that all you really need to get by without any Spanish is ‘hola’, ‘gracias’ and ‘cerveza por favor’, but now I need to add “¿Puedo satisfacer me siento en la parte posterior de su motocicleta?” (May I please sit on the back of your motorcycle?)
Two hours to Sunday gametime? What? As I foggily wipe my drool away, I must postpone the mammoth post I had planned for this week and get to my picks.
But first let’s take a realllllly close look at the score after week 3. I pulled off an *amazing* week of picks, going 15 and 1, and I missed the Monday night game. I was this close to having a perfect week. A coworker said that if I had bet $20 on a 12-team teaser (all teams must win), his bookie offers, he wasn’t sure if I would’ve been rich or killed.
Hernandez, meanwhile, with his belief that Dolphins can play football, went a paltry 7-9. For shame! Losing to the soccer fan! Stop watching preseason hockey and the Disney Channel and start paying attention.
I’m now up 34-14 to 23-25. Good start, me.
Keith, Mex and I still haven’t ramped up the posting schedule as much as we’d like, so these NFL picks posts will have to suffice for now. And even though I know you’re all dying for more content, we’re busy men, so bear with us as we get back into the swing of things. Soon the leaves will turn, the weather will dampen, and we will be snug in our humble abodes with nothing to do except watch sports, drink beer and piss all over your favorite teams and players. Yay autumn!
To recap last week’s action, Keith nipped me 11-5 to 10-6. Through two weeks he leads overall 19-13 to my shitty 16-16. It’s a long season, and I know it will ebb and flow, but I need to go on a run so I don’t lose all credibility as Someone Who Knows Something About Football. I’m hopeful it begins right now, following the giddy, quirky first two weeks when anything can and usually does happen. Now that the novelty is wearing off and the chicks are beginning to stop tuning in, the good teams will separate themselves from the bad. Or so I hope.
Normally I’d sex you up with a long, sensual picks post packed with foreplay, dirty talk, peaks, valleys, and an explosive climax. But my time is limited, so you will have to settle for an old fashioned nipple tweak and too-fast pounding before I blow my load and pass out. It’s better than nothing.
I loved Keith’s strip club post, but was a little disappointed he didn’t provide any raunchy photos to illustrate it. If there was ever a time to post T&A on IKH, this was it. It increases traffic to our site tenfold AND it makes my dick hard, which is a win-win for…well, me. A missed opportunity, but I’ll let it slide because The Creamy Otter is genius.
I’ve never been a strip joint guy myself. I’ve only ever been a handful of times, and it’s always unfulfilling. The whole dynamic seems cruel, and I mean to me, not the strippers. Something about not being able to fuck these women really sticks in my craw. Anyway, the only mildly interesting anecdote I have about a strip club is the first time I ever visited one. I was a sophomore in college just starting his first internship at a local television news station in Boston. The station sucked, but the internship was amazing because I basically worked as a reporter, going out with a cameraman to do interviews for our nightly news.
On one of my first days we got word of a triple murder/suicide somewhere north of the city and went to check it out. A guy had walked in on his girl doing some other dude, and he killed both of them and then himself. After asking around we were told off the record – gotta love the police – that the dead chick had been a stripper at a place in Rhode Island, the Mecca of strip clubs in the Northeast. (I realize that’s a little like saying Olive Garden is the Mecca of Italian restaurants in Cedar Rapids, but you get the drift.)
You know what comes next: we decide to go to the strip club to try to get some reaction from the victims co-workers. I walked into The Satin Doll trying as hard as I could not to act like a 19-year-old who had never been inside such a place. Didn’t happen. I managed to get a few questions in with the manager and the bartender, but the rest of the time was spent staring, mouth open, at the naked titties. I wanted so badly to be the hardened detective, like Gene Hackman in The French Connection. Instead I was more like Gene the Stock Boy at French Connection. On the plus side, I WAS pretty hardened.
So where does that leave us in terms of Week 2 of the NFL season? I have no fucking clue. Transitions are overrated anyway, and we’ve got a season to talk about.
Well hey, Casanovaginas!
You may need to read that twice. It’s really better to say out loud–now that I think about it, it looks a lot like Casino Vaginas, which was not what I was trying to get across at all, and I duly apologize to any casino vaginas currently residing out there. Try this — Casanova(gina)s. Any better?
I was hoping to skip over here during the week and talk about something, anything really. Like the fact that Champions League soccer started again this week and defending champions Barcelona wore pink uniforms against top Italian squad Inter Milan. (I’ll tell you right now, that takes some serious balls. You’ll never see NFL players do that, and you know why? Because they’re huge pussies, afraid of their manhood. That’s why they wear so many pads.)
But work was a bitch this week and kept me far from the stocked cooler that is IKH. So bad, in fact, that my company bought some beers and pissed away the end of the week in our kitchen/lounge.
As is usually the case in these Friday afternoon sessions, the guys are congregated, and the women cower in the corners, or hide in their cubicles so as to avoid sexual assault. One of their rank bravely approached the kitchen at 5:00 to announce she was heading to Vegas for an extended vacation with her husband. A very bold move, considering the audience and the alcohol intake.
One of the guys coolly suggested she visit the Spearmint Rhino while she was there, and that her husband would really enjoy it. Now I’m not a big Vegas guy, nor were the majority of the other guys in the room, but it’s so obvious just from the name that the Spearmint Rhino is a strip club. (And frankly, a pretty gay sounding one.)
But as we sat there, I realized that there is a winning formula for naming a strip club. It’s very similar to coming up with your Porn Name–your first name is your first pet and your last name is the street you grew up on. Mine is Rusty Hazelwood, which is a fucking awesome porn name. I have a friend from Germany whose porn name is about 10 syllables long, and is the funniest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.
But like I said, the formula for the strip club is this: Flavor + Animal. You can’t go wrong. For the next two hours, my coworkers and I came up with 75-100 skin joint names that would do great business in a cesspool like Vegas, or our kitchen. So I thought I’d roll them out with my Week 2 picks, in case there are any horny entrepreneurs out there. Or, as I like to call them…Casino Vaginas.
What Keith said. Here are my Week 1 picks. Stakes yet to be determined, and I’m already up 1-0. It’s time to fuck shit up.
STEELERS (6) vs Titans
The NFL is at its peak as a league. I don’t even think it’s all that arguable. I’ve felt for a while now that this season would be a great one, and the opening game served notice that we’re in for a treat. Playoff-like intensity in the first week of the season is a rare thing, and this one was a pleasure to watch, even though I hated seeing the Steelers pull out a win they probably didn’t deserve. Hey, has anyone else noticed that Pittsburgh’s offensive line totally sucks, and it did all last season too? I did and kept citing it as a reason they wouldn’t win the Super Bowl last year. (Look it up.) I was wrong about the SB, but I’m sticking with that same theme this year. And I still got this pick right, so shove that Iron City Beer up your cornhole.
BENGALS vs Broncos (4)
I’ll take the contrarian view on the “Josh McDaniels is the anti-Christ for hurting poor little Jay Cutler’s feelings” hysteria spewing from the altitude-addled twats who live in Indianapolis With A Great Backdrop. I’m sorry, I meant Denver. Cutler is a turnover machine, not to mention a whiny bitch who doesn’t have the stones to lead a team to a title. (Also see: Philip Rivers.) You can’t build around a selfish guy like Cutler, and overrated Mike Shanahan was in need of a change of scenery. And seeing as how he doesn’t done jack shit in his career without John Elway, maybe that wouldn’t even help. So major kudos to owner Pat Bowlen for not playing it safe. On the other hand, Denver is still fairly devoid of defensive talent, and they will continue to struggle this season.
Cincy is a sexy sleeper pick this year, and as much as I hate to be a bandwagoner, I’m on board. They have elite offensive talent and an underrated defense that quietly kept them in games last year. I don’t think they’re a worst-to-first type sleeper, but it wouldn’t surprise me in the least if they were in the playoff hunt until the end. (Remember that I said pretty much the same thing about the Dolphins in my Week 1 preview last season. That doesn’t mean I’m always right, but you’ve gotta admit that was fucking classic.)
TEXANS (4.5) vs Jets
If you don’t know who I’m picking in this game, you’ve obviously never read the site before.
BROWNS vs Vikings (4)
An astoundingly bad matchup of the two worst coaches in the NFL. Mangini is a complete joke, and the team doesn’t have enough talent to mask that fact. Childress has more talent to work with, but not as much as people credit them with – receiver and secondary to be specific. Minnesota is a mortal lock to finish 8-8.
SAINTS (13) vs Lions
I can’t get behind the Saints. Maybe if the Arena League didn’t fold I’d feel differently, but in the NFL you’re still supposed to play defense. Also, professional cancer Jeremey Shockey still plays for them, at least when he’s not being hospitalized with “dehydration.” Fuck this Lindsay Lohan world we live in where you can’t just come out and say someone OD’d. I guess the terrorist really have won.
Detroit deserves better than they got last year. I think Stafford will actually be good, and can see them finishing 6-10 or something. Still shitty, but a WHOLE lot better than what we’ve seen of late. If Barry Sanders comes out of retirement at midseason I’ll up this projection to 9-7. That’s not even a rumor, but it’d be awesome. If Theo Fleury and Jason Williams can do it, why not Barry?
COLTS (7) vs Jaguars
It all falls apart for Indy this year and they finish out of the playoffs. It almost happened last year, and it’s not like they got a whole lot better in the offseason.
CARDINALS (6) vs 49ers
I like the 49ers as a sleeper this season too. Good defense+Mike Singletary+more rush-heavy offense+surprisingly effective QB play from Shaun Hill = a respectable season. Not great, but highly competitive.
So cliche to predict a post-Super Bowl hangover/injury plagued season for Kurt Warner, but I’m going there. Sometimes they’re cliches because they’re true.
Pick: Cardinals (I think they cover by a late score or two following a tight game. Don’t think I’m being hypocritical; I stand by what I wrote in the summary, but I still want to beat Keith and Mex at these picks!)
RAVENS (13) vs Chiefs
This may be the toughest game of the week to pick. Obviously I think Baltimore will win, but do I believe they’ll win by 13 or more? Tough to say. Everyone expects Flacco to be even better this season, but I can see a sophomore slump just as easily. And don’t forget Baltimore lost Bart Scott, Jim Lehonard and Rex Ryan from their defense. So I’m leaning Chiefs. But with Cassell 50/50 and no Tony Gonzalez, how can I make that play? I’m pretending to agonize over this, but this is what makes these picks fun.
BUCS vs Cowboys (6)
What did I just write above about these picks being fun? Fuck me!!!
PANTHERS vs Eagles (2)
Another pick I absolutely HATE to make, because I hate the Eagles more than Paul Aufiero does in “Big Fan,” which you should all go see, btw. But I’ve gotta do it this week. Just know that I think Philly is the single most overrated team in the league. Their coach, who always fucks his team over by trying to play finesse, pussy, trick play football instead of playing a power game, now has even more reason to play to those horrific tendencies with Vick on the roster. Their thin-skinned QB, who consistently chokes (and let’s not forget, pukes) in the clutch, now has a legitimate backup looking over his shoulder. Their defense lost its genius coordinator, it’s field general Brian Dawkins, and it’s best player, Stewart Bradley. Their supposedly new and improved offensive line is hurt and hasn’t played together all summer. Their oft-injured RB Brian Westbrook is already oft-injured again. Should I go on?
Still, I almost always take NFC Beast teams, especially against a Carolina team that rode an easy schedule and some lucky breaks to a 12-4 record last year. They won’t be bad this year, but they’re MUCH more likely to be 8-8 than 12-4.
GIANTS (6.5) vs Redskins
And now for the part where I bore you with my uber-Giants fandom. Actually I’ll spare you this time because I’m saving it for a post later in the week where I recap my trip to Giants Stadium for this game. Here’s a preview: The Giants were the best team in football last year but they choked and didn’t win the title. They’re hungrier, deeper and more talented this year, and they’re winning the Super Bowl in a rematch with the Pats. There, I said it.
SEAHAWKS (8.5) vs Rams
Seahawks are another trendy pick to turn things around this season. I’m not feeling it. In fact, I never felt it when they were winning all of those division titles in the last decade. They were/are always missing that undefinable “it” factor – most likely toughness. The argument is they were decimated by injuries last season. I’ll grant them that, and I’m sure they’ll be improved. But they’re still only middle of the pack.
The Rams, on the other hand, are a team on the upswing. I have faith in my paisan Spagnuolo. He’ll have them in contention by his third season. For now we’ll have to settle for competitiveness, and it starts with covering this weekend.
FALCONS (4) vs Dolphins
The quintessential “which one of these out-of-nowhere surprise teams was a fluke last year?” matchup. I’m in the minority on this one, but I think it’s Atlanta. Never bet against Parcells.
PACKERS (3.5) vs Bears
If I hear one more scribe pick either of these teams to win the Super Bowl I’m going to shoot someone. Die, all of you. Both of these teams will be good, mind you, but Super Bowl contenders? Methinks no. The Bears have no receivers, no secondary, and Cuntler. The Pack have an old, washed up secondary, a brand new defensive scheme and no running game. Ryan Grant? Please! Talk about a one-year wonder. And that was two seasons ago.
PATRIOTS (10.5) vs Bills
It’s sad to see Belichick go all Bizarro World and turn against his defensive roots by having an all-offensive team. But what a fucking offense! I’m not sold on Fred Taylor as an every-down back, but he’ll still help. The defense is a concern. I guess I have faith in the coach that these young guys will gell, but it’s going to take a while. I expect a lot of shootout wins.
I was firmly behind the Bills as a huge sleeper last year and got burned. Not this time.
RAIDERS vs Chargers (9)
Is this the 4th consecutive year we’re being told San Diego and/or Dallas has the most talented team in the league, or the 5th? I can’t remember because I’m so blinded by all of the championship hardware those two teams are brandishing. Oh right…I’m not. Fuck these dick biscuits, but I’m still taking them to cover this week.
Welcome back, NFL – where every pick makes you feel like a Tijuana whore!