Monthly Archives: May 2008

My Defense

Ron Artest is every bit as good as Saint KG. He just doesn’t kiss ass like KG so he doesn’t get the pub. He’s also batshit insane, but I don’t hold that against him. It makes him more entertaining in my eyes. Plus, he’s a NYC boy, so you can step the fuck off. (And his album is more New Jack Swing than rap, but why quibble?)

Even at their young age LeBron and Dwight Howard are just as deserving of rings as KG and Pierce, because they’re far more dominant than either of those posers, and more interesting guys to boot.

Brad Miller is the most underrated big man in the league.

Camby is a better defender and rebounder than KG, he’s come close to a ring a couple of times, and he’s had to put up with crazy ass Iverson and Melo for the last few years, so show a brother some love.

We agree on The Answer.

Injuries robbed McDyess of an amazing career, and he’s worked SO hard to come back when he was written off, so he deserves a title.

I know you’re just fucking around about Nash.

WAY off on Gilbert Arenas, who was badly injured in these playoffs and shouldn’t have even been playing. And didn’t in the last two games.

Grant Hill: See Antonio McDyess

Nowitzki. Stud.

J-Kid. HATE his guts, but he deserves a title, even if he would put a championship ring imprint upside his ho’s head.

T-Mac. Funniest thing I’ve read all week. You got me on that one! (And he still deserves a title.)

All funnies aside (and your funny was really funny), Mutombo has earned a ring.

Michael Redd is on the USA team that’s going to the Olympics. Look him up.

Kurt Thomas. Ha!

Dead serious about Richard Jefferson. Wildly underrated, two Finals appearances, and has had to put up with asshole J-Kidd, Thuglife posterchild Kenyon Martin and Biggest Pussy In the NBA Vince Carter for too long.

Baron is cool.

Elton Brand. Double ha!

Yao’s my boy. (Plus, the Chinese will soon be taking over the world and I don’t want to piss off our future masters.)


Responses to ’20 Active NBA Players…’

Of course! I forgot Ron Artest! Thanks. How’s his rap album, by the way?

Poor LeBron. Put in so much service time, and at the age of 23, still no rings. And his mom still settles his fights for him. What a warrior. He can always cry on the shoulder of 22-year old Dwight Howard.

Brad Miller. White.

Marcus Camby. Was coached by Calipari in college. Deserves injuries and shame.

Iverson. I had him third on my list.

McDyess. I just watched Game 6…and…apparently not.

Steve Nash. White. Soccer player. Canadian. Next.

Gilbert Arenas. 10.8 PPG in the ’07-’08 playoffs. It’s easier to put on the ring when you’re sitting on the bench, isn’t it?

Grant Hill. Averaging less than 40 games a year for the last 7 years. Attendance counts.

Nowitzki. Albino-ish white.

Jason Kidd. Beats his wife. Also white.

Tracy McGrady. McDonalds character.

Mutombo. Actually won a ring, but he swatted it out of bounds rather than putting it on his finger.

Michael Redd. Who?

Kurt Thomas. figure skater.

Richard Jefferson. Now you’re just reaching.

Baron Davis. No joke. Seriously, no Baron Davis joke.

Elton Brand. Is he a Clipper? Sounds white. with big glasses. Does he sing ‘Crocodile Rock’?

Yao Ming. White. well…yellow.

20 Active NBA Players Who Deserve Rings Just As Much As KG and Paul Pierce

LeBron James
Allen Iverson
Jason Kidd
Dirk Nowitzki
Marcus Camby
Baron Davis
Steve Nash
Elton Brand
Antonio McDyess
Dwight Howard
Grant Hill
Dikembe Mutombo
Tracy McGrady
Yao Ming
Gilbert Arenas
Ron Artest
Michael Redd
Richard Jefferson
Kurt Thomas
Brad Miller


I glossed over Hernandez’s predictions on the Hall of Fame chances of Delgado, Biggio, Thomas and Bagwell. Arguing about the Hall of Fame is a delicious time-waster for baseball fans, the music fan’s version of Top 5’s and Top 10’s. (For the record: no, yes, yes, no.)

But me? I really don’t give a shit. The Hall is a sham, because it’s picked by sportswriters. And many sportswriters are complete idiots. Take this, for instance: *no* player has ever been unanimously elected to the Hall of Fame. Ted Williams. Mickey Mantle. Babe Ruth. Willie Mays. Hank Aaron. None of them. On the other side, look at some of the players who have got votes who don’t belong anywhere near the Hall of Fame unless they have tickets. Frank White – 18 votes. Rick Aguilera – 3 votes. Garry Templeton – 2 votes. Tim Wallach – 1 vote. He played for the Expos! Gregg Jefferies! 2 votes! Come on, people.

And the best ever – Jim Abbott. Jim Abbott went 89-108 with a 4.25 ERA. But he had a frickin’ baby arm, and you know sportswriting dipshits *love* that shit. He got 13 votes. When you’re voting for the Hall of Fame, you have to consider one fact over all others: you have to be really good at baseball. Jim Abbott is clearly the best baby-armed pitcher ever to play this game. But in order to be really, really good at baseball? You need two arms. I’m sorry. It helps. Saying he was the best one-armed player of his generation is like saying ‘This is the best peanut butter and shit sandwich I’ve ever tasted!’

What also sickens me is how sportswriters have decided to become moral arbiters for the game. As if by leaving out Pete Rose and Mark McGwire the game will somehow retain its poetic beauty and virginal innocence, even though Ty Cobb used to punch out pregnant women and kill cats, sometimes during games (or so I’ve heard.) The Hall has its share of racists, cheaters and drunks. Men who, if they were dating your daughter, would cause you to sit out on your front porch with a double-barreled shotgun and a thermos of coffee all night. So now why all of a sudden does The Hall of Fame need to be protected?

Mark McGwire was ‘roided up when he hit 70 home runs. Okay, fine. I was drunk on Jaegermeister when I tried to jump a train in college. You know what? I STILL TRIED TO JUMP THAT TRAIN.

Jimmy Two Times

I don’t hate KG, I just hate the perception that he’s a superstar. He is, as Keith said, a role player, and a really good one. But everyone needs to stop selling this guy as something special.

I wouldn’t be unhappy if he won a title. I can respect how he plays defense and is unselfish. In this era of the spoiled, me-first athlete he’s worthy of praise. But that’s a pretty low bar to set. I mean, honestly Keith, you can’t think of ANYONE else besides he and Paul Pierce who deserve a ring more? That’s just ridiculous. I can think of about 20 guys! Go ahead, dare me.

(What has Paul Pierce done to deserve a ring? He carried a mediocre Celtics team and made it slightly better than mediocre for a few seasons? I don’t get it. Oh, and he got stabbed. I guess he deserves brownie points for surviving that.)

KG comes up small in the clutch, which even Keith admits. That’s why the Pistons will win in seven because Pierce isn’t going to duplicate his amazing Game 7 in Round Two where they needed his 41 to barely squeak by a bad Cleveland team. I think the Celts have a better chance at winning the series in six, to tell you the truth, because Detroit could mail it in assuming they’re going to win at home.

And the winner of the series will still get waxed by either the Spurs or Lakers.

Ten Things I Think

(Go ahead Peter King, sue me.)

1. Pistons over Celtics in 7.

2. Mike D’Antoni and Donnie Walsh will never deliver a championship to New York.

3. Fisher fouled Barry.

4. Sidney Crosby is the most hateable superstar athlete on the planet, which is impressive, considering he’s not even a rapist like Kobe.

5. The Giants and Patriots will meet in a rematch of Super Bowl XLII, but the Patriots will win this time.

6. Chien-Ming Wang hates black people. (I have proof.)

7. Carlos Delgado, Frank Thomas, Craig Biggio and Jeff Bagwell are losers who don’t deserve to make it into the Hall of Fame.

8. Tiger Woods is on steroids.

9. Europe 08 isn’t the same without England to root against.

10. Anyone under the age of 50 who gives a shit about horse racing deserves to be put out of their misery. Just like the sad, stupid animals they cheer for.

Milk It

Baseball is great. It’s also my least favorite (major) sport. So on principal alone I shouldn’t be writing about it for my first post. But I am Hernandez, so I soldier on.

SNY launched what can only be called “Keith Cam” during last night’s Mets/Marlins game. Mex called the entire game from a spot directly behind home plate right at field level. Basically he was in the walkway the grounds crew uses for…honestly I don’t know what they use it for. Probably card games.

(I assume the new Shea Stadium – fuck that “CitiField” nonsense – will have seats behind home plate instead of a walkway. Every other stadium does, illustrated to hilarious effect during a recent Mets/Dodgers game in L.A. where during every at bat, ET’s Mary Hart and Beverly Hills 90210’s Ian Ziering could clearly be seen in the front row. Hope you’re enjoying La-La Land Torre!)

Anyway, “Keith Cam” was a fantastic experiment that I hope they do more often. He was able to pick up on the mechanics of the pitchers and hitters and offer real insight into what was going on. For instance, did you know that Johan Santana has a big circle on his slider, as opposed to a tight circle? Gary Cohen, who was up in the booth with Ron Darling, called a pitch a changeup, but Mex corrected him and said it was a slider. The reason he knew is because when you throw a slider, the red seams on the ball create either a big or a tight circle, depending on the pitcher. He said that’s what he always looked for when he was batting. As someone not blessed with amazing eyesight, that’s astounding to me.

Great stuff, and the best part is that at one point, while he was breaking down someone’s batting stance, he actually paused mid-sentence and said, “No thank you, I don’t eat dairy” to a fan who was offering him ice cream.

He’s Keith Hernandez!