Monthly Archives: June 2008

What’d I Miss?

Keith is celebrating a birthday today, and our beloved Cardinals and Mets start a four-game series in St. Louis tonight. Coincidence? Totally.

In lieu of a more original topic to post about, I’ll just give my thoughts on everything I’ve missed in the Wide World of Sports since I last contributed two weeks ago. (Where was I? You don’t need to know. Just be happy I’m back.)

Willie Randolph Fired: It happens to even the best of managers. Willie was not one of the best. You do the math. Maybe 3am in the hotel is a little callous, but I’m with Keith on this one – there was definitely some fucking involved.

Celtics Win Title: Glad Kobe and his gutless sidekicks didn’t win, but hate the C’s, so probably a wash. The fact that L.A. rolled over in Game 6 and took it up the pooper like the girl Kobe raped in Colorado only added to the frustration. And Keith had it right again when he said KG’s victory speech sounded forced. I’ll add phony, staged and insincere to that characterization. I’ve never been a KG guy, and the interview with Michelle Tafoya only solidifies my feelings. Glad you finally got a ring because you were lucky enough to play with a real superstar, douche! It makes me angry that he’s going to be a Hall of Famer.

NBA Draft: Two white guys went in the top 6. Not a good omen for a Knicks fan like myself, since one (or maybe both) of Gallinari and Love won’t pan out. But my dad doesn’t really consider Italians white, so maybe there’s hope for us yet.

Shaq-Fu: His freestyle rap was the greatest sports moment of 2008 after the Giants winning the Super Bowl. “Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes” is the stuff of legend. It will be remembered for years to come. My favorite part – and something that didn’t get as much ink – was when he called out Kobe for talking about Shaq fucking around on his wife:

“I’m a horse. Kobe ratted me out, that’s why I’m getting
divorced.
He said Shaq gave a bitch a mil. I don’t do that cuz my
name’s Shaquille. I love ’em, but don’t leave ’em. I got a vasectomy, now I can’t breed ’em.”

This story is 100% true, so there’s yet another reason to hate Kobe. He destroys teammates, coaches, hotel workers, and now marriages. Snitches get stitches, bitch. (I could go on all day about this. Another great line was, “That’s like Patrick Ewing having more rings than me.” Remember, Shaq performed this rap in a NYC club. Cojones!)

Spain Wins Euro 08: Yay, the filthy Spaniards didn’t choke this time! I believe Keith called this, or maybe he had Portugal. Same difference. Anyway, fantastic tournament. Extremely competitive, action-packed, well paced schedule to keep momentum going, a handful of incredible matches, and totally hot fans. Couldn’t ask for more.

Shawn Chacon Goes Off: Awful, unforgivable and a horrible example to kids. Also, awesome! More players should do this to coaches and general managers, cuz it’s hella fun to talk about. BTW, is Chacon white, black or Hispanic? I’ve never been able to tell.

Strahan Retires: This is serious. No jokes. Strahan is the second best Giant of all time behind LT, and the best defensive lineman of his generation. He was arguably the best defensive PLAYER of his generation. Even though he’s a media favorite playing in New York, I still don’t think he ever got the credit he deserved. (I believe Favre’s fake sack to set the single-season record hurt him in this regard.) The key is he was equally dominant against the pass AND the run – something pricks like Simeon Rice and John Randall could never quite grasp. And he kept it up right until the end. Amazing competitor. In my opinion the recent d-line lineage goes from Reggie White to Bruce Smith to Michael Strahan. No one else is even close.

NHL Free Agency: I know Keith is eagerly anticipating talking about this, but it’ll have to wait until later this week. Sorry bro! Just be warned that if the Rangers lose either or both of Jagr and Avery I’m burning this whole town down.

Wimbledon: Apart from the serious snatch in the women’s bracket, Federer/Nadal is the only thing in tennis worth watching. Since that hasn’t happened yet I haven’t bothered with it.

Simmons’ Sendoff To Leitch: I can’t find the link, but you should get off your lazy ass and find it on Deadspin.

Subway Series: I was at Shea on Saturday afternoon, and I’ve come to the conclusion that black people not only do not play baseball anymore, they don’t actually LIKE baseball either. Crowd was 85% white and 15% Latino (although how many of them were actually friends and relatives of Mets players is undetermined.) Strange. I felt like I was watching a game in St. Louis or something. Except we booed both teams. Take that Midwest faggots! As for the game, it was staggeringly boring. I’m proud to say I left during a sixth-inning rain delay.

The timing for this blog is all wrong, because we’re in the worst part of the year sportswise. All we really have is baseball right now, along with the occasional World Cup qualifier and the MLS. I’m dying. Pre-season football cannot get here fast enough.

RANDOLPH UPDATE

Looks like Willie Randolph already has his next job lined up.

Where’s Hernandez? (Part 2)

More bez-bol:

Pitcher Shawn Chacon, current Astro who pitched for the Yankees not 24 moons ago strangled his General Manager and threw him to the floor. Who said Communism was dead?

Oh, and for fun: baseball, as we know, is not taken so seriously by the Europeans. Read the same release per Reuters UK. And then right after the baseball part, read the shooting part in the voice of John Cleese, please. Report back on your results.

(Hernandez, I hope your daughter recognizes what a talent I am.)

Where’s Hernandez? (Part 1)

Ok, so much is happening, and I was hoping Hernandez would crawl out from the eternal diaper and speak about some of it. Instead, I’ll have to invoke his presence, sucking it out of the ether like the devil inside fish.

In Bez-bol:

The Mets “fired” Willie Randolph in a hotel room at 3:15 in the morning by General Manager Omar Minaya. Riiiiight. Omar came to Willie’s hotel room at 3 in the morning to talk about work? I don’t think so.

Here’s how the conversation went.*

Willie: What…mmph…is that a feather duster?
Omar: Sweep for me, Oprah!
Willie: (mutters) Quit touchin’ me, old man, I ain’t that kind of…
Omar: Beg for your supper!
Willie: WTF? Get off me, motherfucker!
Omar: (pants)
Willie:
Omar:
Willie: Fuck man, I quit! I quit.
Omar: (stops panting)
Willie: (pants still off)
Omar: well..
Willie: Well what?!?
Omar: don’t look at me–oh god–i told myself I wasn’t gonna do this—
Willie: Omar…
Omar: no no no don’t stop me, I deserve it….
Willie: listen, listen listen. no don’t pick at that, it’ll just bleed again! listen, man.
Omar: no no no…you don’t understand…
Willie: understand what?
Omar: I get to fire you.
Willie: (pants on)
Omar: I get to fire you!
Willie: What…
Omar: Fired! Fired fired fired! Fi-red! Red fi!
Willie: Shit…
Omar: (pants)
Willie: Do I get unemployment?

Or something like that…

*The surveillance van smells like Hernandez + cat piss.

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HOCKEY/BASKETBALL

————————————

Center Martin Straka of the New York Rangers decided he was headed back to his Czech homeland. And in the NBA draft, the Knicks selected Italian forward Danilo Gallinari.

Girls, this is a GREAT trade.

Gallinari:

Straka:

this past week in sports

For the last two months all I’ve been watching are basketball playoffs and the Euro 2008 soccer tournament. As has been discussed, I’m extremely happy to see Paul Pierce (and now, to a lesser extent, Kevin Garnett) finally win a ring. Garnett didn’t show up in the final round vs. the Lakers until Game 6, so at least he avoids a legacy as a complete choke artist, but he made up for it with his completely unintelligible postgame interview with Michelle Tafoya, where he broke into this caterwauling Native-American mushmouthed tongue. You could see Michelle Tafoya’s life flashing before her eyes as she asks inane question after question when all Kevin Garnett’s eyes are saying are “Hulk SMASH! So Sad, Now Happy! Want Sex!” Sure enough, he returns to English briefly to compliment Tafoya on how nice she looks.

Paul Pierce’s moment was much more genuine. I say the city of Boston gives him free rein this summer to go around stabbing whoever he likes. He’s a hero.

Nevertheless, those damn things take forever. The Celtics played their first playoff game on April 20th, and their 27th and final on June 17th. Jesus Beezus. It’s like watching a marathon, but no one’s allowed to run, only sashay. At least in Stephen King’s short story “The Long Walk” contestants get shot as they bow out. Unfortunately, in the NBA this only happens in the offseason.

Whereas the Euro 2008 soccer tournament has featured some great nail-biting matches, all in the span of a few weeks. This weekend saw four tight quarterfinal matches, three going to extra time and two ending in penalty kicks. There’s so much to love about this game — no commercials, no timeouts. You can watch with your significant other because soccer players have pretty hair and run around in shorts. And in the elimination rounds of tournament play, obviously there are no ties. Penalty kicks are gut-wrenching at the end of a match. And while you don’t see it on the field, I’m pretty sure there are shootings. And when Turkey eventually loses, waterboarding.

So do yourself a favor and watch the semifinals this week and/or the Final on Sunday. Especially if Spain plays Germany in the final, because the Spanish are so frickin’ tiny; in comparison to the Germans it will look truly bizarre. I wonder if the Oompa-Loompas were good at soccer. And now that I think about it, it’s funny that I say “were” as if there used to be Oompa-Loompas but aren’t anymore. Or they just quit playing soccer, and decided being slaves in a factory was a better gig.

Btw, when the f is someone gonna make the movie about ‘Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator?, the superior Roald Dahl sequel to Chocolate Factory? If you’re not dying to see the horrifying vision of Charlie’s grandparents turn from seniors into babies in the matter of minutes, and then watch Charlie and Wonka go to Minusland to rescue Grandma Georgina, or see the creatures that frightened me as a child more than anything, the Vermicious Knids, the stoned kid in you is dead.

Tigerbomb

Poor little Tiger Woods is out for the rest of the PGA season because of knee surgery. We’re supposed to believe he has a torn ACL in his knee, which he supposedly suffered last year, and not one, but TWO fractures to his tibia supposedly suffered last month. But somehow he managed to gut out a classic, nearly superhuman victory in the U.S. Open.

Bull fucking shit.

Do he and his corporate pimps really think we’re that stupid? (Don’t answer that.) You couldn’t walk with those injuries, let alone play golf competently.

But I guess it’s working because all I hear about is how sad it is he won’t be able to compete again this year, and how amazing it was for him to have won a tournament while enduring such horrific pain. Gosh, he’s almost as brave as the soldiers in the Middle East. Lawdy Miss Clawdy – Tiger’s done gone and given me the vapors again!

This whole story is a cover for the fact that random steroid testing in golf goes into effect, when exactly? Let me look it up. Oh right, it’s supposed to go into effect NEXT MONTH! How convenient that Tiger won’t be around to take those tests. Wake up suckers. Your hero is a pathetic, lying juicer.

It’s as plain as day. He has roid rage on the course, he still has acne, and while everyone loves to do body comparison shots of young, skinny Barry Bonds with old, juiced up Barry Bonds – with good reason – has anyone besides me noticed how huge Tiger is now compared to a few years ago? It’s amazing how much bigger he’s gotten. I’m sure he has shrunken testicles too, as evidenced by the fact that he pays a Swedish swimsuit model to be his beard. Overcompensating much?

So yeah, remember where you first heard this when the shitstorm finally rains down.

One last thing: Fake knee injury or not, what the fuck is so impressive about Tiger’s win this week? He needed to pull a series of miracle shots out of his ass on the last day of the tournament, plus an extra 19 holes to put away a never-was like Rocco Mediate. Doesn’t that make the win LESS impressive? Rocco is ranked No. 135 in the world, has never won a major, and at age 45 would have been the oldest U.S. Open champion ever. If that bucktoothed pillow biter can’t beat a guy like that he needs to find a better dealer.

All Arnold Palmer ever needed to dominate was beer and cigarettes, both of which he consumed while he was on the course. What’s Tiger’s excuse?

Celts Lakers Q3

There is no way the Lakers should lose this game. PJ Brown is out to play defense to start the 2nd half. After an incendiary 2nd quarter, Paul Pierce’s first touch of the 2nd half is at the 3 point line, and he’s standing on the baseline and gets called out-of-bounds.

The starting lineup of the Celtics is asleep, but the Lakers are undead. This is what happens when you sell your soul to play with Kobe.

And I’m still picking the Lakers in this game. Here we go…

10:43 p.m. – Kevin Garnett drives to the lane and Kobe draws an offensive foul. Am I dreaming? This can’t be happening.

10:45. Okay, back to reality. Gasol, a Spaniard, the Lakers’ floppy Muppet scores to tie it and refuses to play defense. That’s understandable — él no tenía ninguna siesta.

10:52. Kobe gets called for ANOTHER offensive foul. Obama doesn’t have a chance, does he?

10:53. Mark Jackson just name-checked Bill Wennington as a guy who knocked down big jump shots. Bill Wennington is the Grimace of basketball. Yet a second later, the Lakers are back up by 7. Be careful how and when you invoke Wennington — he is a riddle wrapped inside a sausage patty wrapped inside an enigma.

10:58. They just showed David Spade in the Lakers’ crowd celebrity montage pretending to be a celebrity. Funniest David Spade moment since his bodyguard kicked his ass a few years ago.

11:04. Boston’s Sam Cassell misses a wide-open 3. Sam Cassell is the ugliest player in the NBA. If NBA players were Smurfs, Cassell wouldn’t be Ugly Smurf – he’d be a smurf made out of reject Smurfs processed through that Play-Doh factory toy, which, on second thought, was like a rendering plant for kids.

11:09. Even though this is the NBA finals, and these are supposed to be the 2 best teams in the league, there are only two guys on the floor I wish were on the Knicks next year — Lamar Odom and James Posey.

And that’s the end of the third quarter. Lakers up by 9, and Paul Pierce looks like me after climbing the stairs to my 4th floor walkup. Happy Father’s Day everyone. 4th quarter probably isn’t worth watching…