Keith is celebrating a birthday today, and our beloved Cardinals and Mets start a four-game series in St. Louis tonight. Coincidence? Totally.
In lieu of a more original topic to post about, I’ll just give my thoughts on everything I’ve missed in the Wide World of Sports since I last contributed two weeks ago. (Where was I? You don’t need to know. Just be happy I’m back.)
Willie Randolph Fired: It happens to even the best of managers. Willie was not one of the best. You do the math. Maybe 3am in the hotel is a little callous, but I’m with Keith on this one – there was definitely some fucking involved.
Celtics Win Title: Glad Kobe and his gutless sidekicks didn’t win, but hate the C’s, so probably a wash. The fact that L.A. rolled over in Game 6 and took it up the pooper like the girl Kobe raped in Colorado only added to the frustration. And Keith had it right again when he said KG’s victory speech sounded forced. I’ll add phony, staged and insincere to that characterization. I’ve never been a KG guy, and the interview with Michelle Tafoya only solidifies my feelings. Glad you finally got a ring because you were lucky enough to play with a real superstar, douche! It makes me angry that he’s going to be a Hall of Famer.
NBA Draft: Two white guys went in the top 6. Not a good omen for a Knicks fan like myself, since one (or maybe both) of Gallinari and Love won’t pan out. But my dad doesn’t really consider Italians white, so maybe there’s hope for us yet.
Shaq-Fu: His freestyle rap was the greatest sports moment of 2008 after the Giants winning the Super Bowl. “Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes” is the stuff of legend. It will be remembered for years to come. My favorite part – and something that didn’t get as much ink – was when he called out Kobe for talking about Shaq fucking around on his wife:
“I’m a horse. Kobe ratted me out, that’s why I’m getting
divorced. He said Shaq gave a bitch a mil. I don’t do that cuz my
name’s Shaquille. I love ’em, but don’t leave ’em. I got a vasectomy, now I can’t breed ’em.”
This story is 100% true, so there’s yet another reason to hate Kobe. He destroys teammates, coaches, hotel workers, and now marriages. Snitches get stitches, bitch. (I could go on all day about this. Another great line was, “That’s like Patrick Ewing having more rings than me.” Remember, Shaq performed this rap in a NYC club. Cojones!)
Spain Wins Euro 08: Yay, the filthy Spaniards didn’t choke this time! I believe Keith called this, or maybe he had Portugal. Same difference. Anyway, fantastic tournament. Extremely competitive, action-packed, well paced schedule to keep momentum going, a handful of incredible matches, and totally hot fans. Couldn’t ask for more.
Shawn Chacon Goes Off: Awful, unforgivable and a horrible example to kids. Also, awesome! More players should do this to coaches and general managers, cuz it’s hella fun to talk about. BTW, is Chacon white, black or Hispanic? I’ve never been able to tell.
Strahan Retires: This is serious. No jokes. Strahan is the second best Giant of all time behind LT, and the best defensive lineman of his generation. He was arguably the best defensive PLAYER of his generation. Even though he’s a media favorite playing in New York, I still don’t think he ever got the credit he deserved. (I believe Favre’s fake sack to set the single-season record hurt him in this regard.) The key is he was equally dominant against the pass AND the run – something pricks like Simeon Rice and John Randall could never quite grasp. And he kept it up right until the end. Amazing competitor. In my opinion the recent d-line lineage goes from Reggie White to Bruce Smith to Michael Strahan. No one else is even close.
NHL Free Agency: I know Keith is eagerly anticipating talking about this, but it’ll have to wait until later this week. Sorry bro! Just be warned that if the Rangers lose either or both of Jagr and Avery I’m burning this whole town down.
Wimbledon: Apart from the serious snatch in the women’s bracket, Federer/Nadal is the only thing in tennis worth watching. Since that hasn’t happened yet I haven’t bothered with it.
Simmons’ Sendoff To Leitch: I can’t find the link, but you should get off your lazy ass and find it on Deadspin.
Subway Series: I was at Shea on Saturday afternoon, and I’ve come to the conclusion that black people not only do not play baseball anymore, they don’t actually LIKE baseball either. Crowd was 85% white and 15% Latino (although how many of them were actually friends and relatives of Mets players is undetermined.) Strange. I felt like I was watching a game in St. Louis or something. Except we booed both teams. Take that Midwest faggots! As for the game, it was staggeringly boring. I’m proud to say I left during a sixth-inning rain delay.
The timing for this blog is all wrong, because we’re in the worst part of the year sportswise. All we really have is baseball right now, along with the occasional World Cup qualifier and the MLS. I’m dying. Pre-season football cannot get here fast enough.