Not me, football. And not a moment too soon.
I’ve come out of my sports deprivation-induced coma to post because the World Champion New York Football Giants reported to training camp today, marking the official start of the NFL season. And yes sports nerds, I realize the Skins reported earlier this week, but they don’t count, even with the wildly overrated Jason Taylor. Don’t get me started on that guy. I have no respect for anyone who doesn’t want to play for Bill Parcells.
Anyway, the Giants are back following a somewhat tumultuous offseason that saw them lose starters Michael Strahan, Kawika Mitchell, Gibril Wilson and now Jeremy Shockey. Let’s address that last one, as it seems to be big news around the watercooler these days. Which is a crock of shit, because there hasn’t been an office where people actually gather around a watercooler since 1971.
I hate to break it to all the meatheads with their Shockey jerseys – and there are A LOT of you – but this is a good trade. For both teams. The Saints get an enormously talented tight end with a chip on his shoulder and something to prove, and the Giants get rid of a selfish, me-first player who would’ve wrecked their locker room. So it should be smiles and blowjobs all around in New Jersey and New Orleans. Hey Drew Brees, show us your tits!
Shockey is a good player who never lived up to the hype. He’s good for one highlight reel catch per game to go along with one killer drop per game. And that’s only when he’s healthy and on the field, which isn’t often enough. He’s a really underrated blocker, but he consistently runs horrible routes. You catch the drift? You have to take the good with the bad when it comes to Shockey, and the good isn’t good enough when he’s openly fighting with the GM, the coach and various teammates. He obviously only cares about himself and his numbers, and so I bid a not so fond farewell. Actually, I did it in person because I was there when Shockey broke his leg against Washington in Week 15 last year – what turned out to be his last game as a Giant. I can’t believe I’ll have a chance to not tell my son about that one day.
One thing I definitely WILL miss about The Shocker is his legendary wit and wisdom. I imagine the formica countertop in his double-wide trailer in Ada, Oklahoma, was something of an Algonquin Round Table of the Plains.
Who can forget Shockey’s greatest hits from his six years with the Giants? There was the time he talked to a journalist about how he wanted to have a three-way with a mother and daughter. I think he was talking about Lisa and Brittny Gastineau, the ex-wife and daughter, respectively, of former NFLer and steroid freak Mark Gastineau. At least I hope he was talking about them, because you know they’d both do anal.
There was also the time he said he’d never be comfortable having a gay teammate. It’s understandable – the temptation is just too great. Then he called Coach Coughlin an ass. Well, a spade is a spade, right? And let’s not overlook when he called Parcells a homo. That may not have been technically true, but it was still funny as fuck.
Last but not least, he brought the comedy on the field too. Remember when he thought the Giants had kicked the game-winning field goal on the last play of regulation against the Seahawks in 2005? Awesomeness.