Monthly Archives: September 2008

Shea, R.I.P.

The image above encapsulates my feelings about the Mets. They’re a bunch of choking dogs.

Keith asked me privately a few weeks ago – when the Mets first started to blow their lead – if I was going to post about baseball, and I replied that I was waiting for the collapse to be complete before posting anything. It was out of character for me to say that, because I’m the ultimate sports optimist, sometimes annoyingly so. But I could see it coming down the Grand Central Parkway, and so could every other real Met fan.

Now it’s come to pass. Again. And I can’t say I’m that surprised. Our history is littered with shit. It’s no coincidence that our two World Series championships were miracles, almost literally. The 1969 team is known as the Miracle Mets, for fucks sake! Know why? Because they SUCKED, and it was a miracle they won the title. And the 1986 club was clearly the best in baseball, but it took a miracle comeback for them to win it all. There’s a reason Game 6 of the ’86 World Series is one of the most memorable in all of baseball history. It happened on my 14th birthday, and I honestly don’t think I could have been happier if I had been given a box of blowjobs.

So I’m a fan of a loser franchise. Amateur hour. Mickey Mouse. A laughingstock. And I’m fucking proud of it. It’s the only honorable thing to do because rooting for the Yankees means selling your soul. My great grandfather settled in New York after coming over from Ireland – first in the Bronx, then in Brooklyn – and he raised his sons to be Brooklyn Dodgers fans. My grandfather raised my dad the same, and when the Dodgers left for Hollywood they were left with nothing to root for until the Mets came into existence. So they were both Mets fan literally from Day 1, and it rubbed off on me. I remember the two of them taking me to Shea when I was a little kid to watch immortals like John Stearns, Lee Mazzilli, John Matlack and Dave “Kong” Kingman. Sure, it was a form of child abuse, but it was the fucking 70’s so no one cared.

Those were great memories, and honestly, I was much, MUCH more sad yesterday about it being the last game at Shea Stadium than I was about this particular season ending so horribly. Much to my surprise, I actually got a little choked up watching the farewell ceremony on tv. Seasons come and go, and as a Mets fan you get used to bad endings, but the one constant through it all was Shea. Ugly, filthy, smelly, uncomfortable, cold, outdated Shea.

By any objective standards it was a horrible place to watch sports, but somehow it had charm and character. It wasn’t so much timeless as it was stuck in a particular time – 1975. It hasn’t changed much since then aesthetically, and it definitely FEELS the same as when I first went there as a kid. The guy three seats over could easily be Popeye Doyle, the detective played by Gene Hackman in “The French Connection.” And there are always some longhairs lighting a joint in the empty sections of the upper deck in the outfield. Everything reeks of stale, cheap beer, and you’d better believe someone’s starting a fight. What an atmosphere. They say it’s the people, not the place, and that’s true of Shea. Our gritty, surly, lowlife fans left their mark, and I’m happy to be one of the club.

My dad had season tickets for a couple of years in the late 80’s, so I’ve been there a lot in my time. I went to all three home games in the 1988 NLCS against L.A., when a clearly inferior Dodgers team caught lightning in a bottle and beat my boys in a close series. (Much like the 2006 Cardinals, now that I think about it.) Those games were great, but the real sentimental shit is the memory of a freezing cold Tuesday night in May against the Pirates when a skinny Barry Bonds jumps over the left field fence not once, but twice to steal home runs; or a Saturday afternoon doubleheader against the Phillies when young Dave Magadan fills in for Keith Hernandez and goes 5-5 in the first game and 4-5 in the second. (I can’t remember exactly, but at least one drunken idiot booed him for making an out in the second game.)

There are also the non-baseball Shea memories, like the handful of times I snuck in with my dad and brother to watch the Jets. We’re Giants fans, but who can turn down free football, right? My father had a good friend who was an usher at Shea, and he would call us Sunday morning and say, “Go to Gate C, last turnstile on the left. Tell the ticket taker with the gray hair ‘lemons’ and he’ll let you in.” This is actually a true story. We’d find seats somewhere in the upper deck, and one particularly memorable occasion when it was sold out because the arch rival Dolphins were in town, we sat on the stairs in the aisle. All to watch Richard Todd try to chuck the pigskin through the bitter, whipping winds coming off Flushing Bay. So maybe my father wasn’t so great after all.

What else… oh yeah – even though I wasn’t there for it, Shea had the Beatles. Twice. That easily trumps Yankee Stadium’s Papal visits. Suck it Catholics! I also saw the Rolling Stones there for the first and only time – Steel Wheels tour, October 1989, my 17th birthday – which was amazing; along with the best Springsteen show I’ve ever attended, which is saying a whole fucking lot.

So yeah, I’m rambling. Whatever. It was a traumatic day yesterday, and if I can’t vent and reminisce on my own blog, where can I? I’m sad that the 2008 Mets are done for the year, and that Shea is done forever. I guess the only good thing to come out of this is that now I don’t have to pay attention to fucking baseball for a good six months.

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Hernandez Week 4 Picks

I tried to edit Keith’s post to add HIS inner thoughts this week, but Blogger wouldn’t let me. What the fuck? He already cheated in Week 2 by trying to take one of my accurate picks away from me, then he added one to his ledger that he got wrong, and on top of that now HE has the ability to edit my posts but I can’t change his. Diebold could learn a thing or two from this shady mofo.

At least I have a built-in excuse for screwing up my picks this week, which I surely will. I figure I’m due to have a bad week. Shit, this already IS a bad week for the NFL, with a really uninspiring slate of games. But I’ll give it a whirl anyway.

Jets (3.5) vs. Cardinals

I totally called last week’s Jets game, btw. Here’s what I wrote:

Manboobs will have the wrong gameplan as always, Favre will throw 3 INT’s, D’Brickashaw Ferguson will get blowed up repeatedly, Tomlinson and Sproles will run all over their horrible defensive line, their new punter will tear his Achilles, and Laverneus Coles will cry some more about Chad Pennington being cut loose. GOD I love football!

Manboobs tried to run and gun with San Diego instead of trying to play a running/ball possession type game that would limit San Diego’s chances on offense. He also called for a ridiculous onside kick in the second quarter that completely turned the game in San Diego’s favor. Douche. Favre threw 2 INT’s, and at least 2 others were dropped. Thomas Jones was stuffed and Favre was running for his life, so D’Brickashaw definitely got blowed up. The Chargers ran all over the Jets horrible D line once Kris Jenkins left the game with a fat injury… excuse me, back injury. Coles was invisible, and even though I never heard it, I’m pretty sure he cried into his pillow about Chad. And here’s the funniest one – the new punter didn’t even play because he pulled a muscle the day before the game. Ha! Sometimes this is too easy.

Pick: Cardinals

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Chiefs vs. Broncos (8.5)

If Denver was playing a team with an average offense I’d pick against them. But c’mon, this is the Chiefs we’re talking about!

Pick: Broncos

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Bengals (3.5) vs. Browns

Cincy took my boys to the limit, so I’ve gots to give props.

Pick: Bengals

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Jaguars (7.5) vs. Texans

Jags saved their season last week, so this will either be a cakewalk or a trap game. Mmmmmm, cake.

Pick: Jaguars

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Saints (5.5) vs. 49ers

Shockey’s out for 6 weeks with a hernia he probably got from fucking Plaxico Burress too hard. Is it a coincidence that after the Shockey injury was announced, Plax didn’t show up at Giants Stadium for two days? Methinks not. Shockey seems like a top with jungle fever. And Plax has always struck me as a willing bottom with BDSM tendencies.

Pick: 49ers

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Panthers (6.5) vs. Falcons

Spread’s too big without you.

Pick: Falcons

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Titans (2.5) vs. Vikings

Two of the tougher teams in the league. And by tough I don’t mean tough to beat, because I don’t see either one as a Super Bowl contender (especially the overrated Vikings), but tough as in physically punishing. Quien es mas macho?

Pick: Titans

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Buccaneers (1.5) vs. Packers

Pack will rebound from the Cowgirls debacle against the really not all that special Buccaneers who are always lauded by the national media because for some unknown reason John Gruden is thought of as godlike even though he won his only Super Bowl with Tony Dungy’s players and he makes funny faces and he always abuses his quarterbacks and Bucs fans are insufferable and Tampa Bay is the worst hell hole on the fucking earth and I hate this team and these fans and this city and the people in it and I wish that they would all die.

Pick: Packers

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Rams vs. Bills (8.5)

People all over the world, join hands. Start a love train, love train.

Imma keep on riding this here Buffalo.

Pick: Bills

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Raiders vs. Chargers (7.5)

Chargers are going to go on a roll.

Pick: Chargers

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Cowboys (10.5) vs. Redskins

Another game where they can all go fuck themselves. But as hard as it is to admit, it won’t be close.

Pick: Cowboys

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Bears vs. Eagles (5.5)

See above.

Pick: Eagles

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Monday Night – Steelers (4.5) vs. Ravens

Part of me wants the Ravens to continue what the Eagles began to expose last week, which is that the Steelers aren’t an elite team. Another, more selfish part of me wants Baltimore to only be OK so there’s no chance of NBC switching the Giants/Ravens game in Week 11 to prime time. Why do I not want that? Because Keith and I are going to that game, and I want it to be a 1pm start so I can spend even more time away from my family getting fucked up. Priorities people. Still…

Pick: Ravens

Happy football everbody!

Keith’s Week 4 Picks

This week I’m spending Sunday in Connecticut, as my band does a roundtrip to Boston to play a 27-minute show. It should be exhilarating.

I dedicate this week’s picks to George Costanza, who Keith got to know briefly back in the ’90s. I’m pretty much going with the opposite of my gut on most of these. Home team listed first:

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Jets (3.5) vs. Cardinals

There is no frickin’ way the Cardinals can look this good. They’ve always sucked; even more than the Jets have. But Brett Favre’s season-long nightmare cannot end. Not as long as I still have my nightmares about getting attacked by someone’s pet monkey.

Pick: Cardinals

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Chiefs vs. Broncos (8.5)

Denver has looked pretty outstanding so far, particularly on offense, and the Chiefs…not so Chief-like. If tits were losses, the Chiefs would be stacked. So there’s no reason that the Chiefs can possibly get close in this game, right? Costanza’d.

Pick: Chiefs

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Bengals (3.5) vs. Browns

The Bengals put up a heroic fight against the Giants last week and came up just short. Those are hard games to bounce back from, especially when half your team owns and regularly uses unregistered firearms to combat post-game pressure. Like the Bengals, the Browns are also 0-3 and I think they’re ready to stomp. They’ll let it loose and the Bengals will pickle cucumbers with the salt of their clown-drop tears.

Pick: Browns

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Jaguars (7.5) vs. Texans

The Jaguars of Jacksonville, who need to do us all a favor and send us a note about what the hell there is to do once in Jacksonville, were predicted to bust out of the grits-n-zits South and conquer the AFC. Since then, they’ve gone an unimpressive 1-2, barely squeaking by an injured Colts team. They face a much soggier Houston Texan’s team, whose recent practices in waterlogged Texas looked like a snuff film version of ‘Cherish’ by Madonna.

I feel like the Jaguars will win this game *and* I’m rooting for them. Bad scenario. Never bet on a team because you like them. Then you’ll fantasize about highfiving one of them going to back to the locker room, and a week later he’ll recognize you, ask you back to his table of strippers where you’ll discover why they wear so much makeup and, subsequently, how fast you can drink champagne before getting on a horse and paddling her to safety.

Pick: Texans

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Saints (5.5) vs. 49ers. I don’t care. What the hell happened to Football in California? No teams in Los Angeles. San Diego underachieves. The Raiders and the 49ers are soon to be new hosts of the Toilet Bowl, formerly the annual Green Bay/Tampa game in the ’80s. Those Prozac zombies need to stop shooting at each other on freeways and start hitting each other.

Pick: Saints

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Panthers (6.5) vs. Falcons

Carolina will run all over the Falcons crappy run defense. When in doubt, take the BBQ.

Pick: Panthers

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Titans (2.5) vs. Vikings

All signs point to the Titans winning this. They’re playing well, crybaby Vince Young is on the sidelines, Vikings star Adrian Peterson is a little hobbled, the spread is low. For all these reasons, it’s TOO obvious. I like the Vikings to pull one they have no business winning out of their ass. Also, that puts pressure to start Vince Young again next week, which is potential comedy gold.

Pick: Vikings

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Buccaneers (1.5) vs. Packers

Packers. Either team could win this really, and I don’t really care, but Tampa Bay just clinched the AL East in Baseball this week, and the Bucs are gonna be a little baseball-centric and low-energy on Sunday. Also, Packers QB Aaron Rodgers will score the first TD in NFL history when only his nose breaks the plane of the end zone.

Pick: Packers

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Rams vs. Bills (8.5)

The Rams are trying out 38-year old quarterback Trent Green this week, and I’m trying out a new fiber to make myself more regular.

Pick: Bills

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Raiders vs. Chargers (7.5)

Oakland’s coach and owner are both on death watch. Coach Kiffin, figuratively, and owner Al Davis, literally. (Notice the Jack and Blood and Coke).

Meanwhile, the San Diego Chargers’ stadium hosted a huge anti-gay rally this week.
And now the team is going to the Bay Area. I predict a gay ol’ time.

Pick: Chargers

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Cowboys (10.5) vs. Redskins

I very, very badly want to see Tony Romo continue to play like a man possessed by Jessica’s tail feathers. A Redskins upset is in the cards, but if they show up and play a little defense they should cover. Screw ‘dem Cowboys.

Pick: Redskins

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Bears vs. Eagles (5.5)

I can not bring myself to pick the Eagles. They’re a better team than the Bears, but I cannot bring myself to do it. I think this is the game where a Bear player tackles Eagles coach Andy Reid on the sidelines and he dies instantly of a massive heart attack. Later they find six undigested cheesesteaks. In his BLOODSTREAM.

Pick: Bears

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Monday Night – Steelers (4.5) vs. Ravens

A must-win for the Steelers. They have to prove they’re an elite team this week, and on the national stage, I root for the home team. I really think the Ravens will cover because of their ass-cheek tight defense, but what the hell? I’m going to get a calzone.

Pick: Steelers

Soccer Bar, 7:30 a.m.

I promised a post on my NY soccer bar experience.

Two Saturdays ago I set my alarm for 7:30 a.m. for a 7:45 match between my team, Liverpool, and the bloated carcass of a champion, Manchester United, which was being featured at Nevada Smith’s (3rd Ave and 11th) at 7:45 a.m. It was a painful wake-up call, the same reason I guess my friends who run races wake up at 6:00 in the morning to go to Central Park to run half-marathons.

The East Village is a wondrous place at 7:30 on a weekend morning. All of the hangers-on and keeper-ups have swept away, and shopkeepers are sweeping up their sidewalks. On the weekends, no delivery trucks clog the streets or the uncharacteristic quiet.

I walk into Nevada Smith’s and the sunlight and calm get swallowed by the darkness, heat and humidity pouring off the metabolizing fanatics that line every sweaty joint of the place. As my eyes adjust to the darkness, I see the entire main floor is packed gill-to-gill, and I’m ushered downstairs. I saw maybe 20-25 people on my 7-block walk, and there are 300 people stuffed inside this place.

I showed up 6 minutes late and Manchester United had already scored following a pass from their new acquisition Dmitri Berbatov, who looks like a cross between Andy Garcia and Gargamel. He’s evil. The goal was scored by Carlos Tevez, an Argentinean with the worst underbite I’ve ever seen. The Argentineans are the worst cheaters I’ve ever seen. Tevez works hard, but since he won’t spend any of his millions on orthidonture, you kinda wanna punch him in the lower jaw.

About 30 minutes into the game, the place was so packed that they turned on a gigantic rotary fan. It’s a crazy atmosphere. We’re 3 games into the season, and people live and die by each near-miss. These people understand the game. It’s not like an American football bar where dumbass Soc stockbrokers buy their bleach-blonde girlfriends beers and promise to take them to Clone Beach next weekend to make up for it. Everybody here legitimately loves the game and their team. It’s an awesome sight to behold.

Liverpool is playing without their two best players, Steven Gerrard, their captain, and Fernando Torres, who is also a bleach blonde. Hmmmmmm. But they outplay the better Man U. squad for the better part of the match. And in the 77th minute, when Ryan Babel puts Liverpool up 2-1, the bar erupts. The downstairs bartender is pumping his fist, he’s a Liverpool fan. More than half the crowd are wearing their team’s jerseys, so I know who to high-five. And they’re quick with hugs. It makes or breaks the weekend for these fans.

On my walk home I spy a few guys in Liverpool jerseys. I congratulate them on the win, and for a few seconds, Manhattan shrinks a little bit more. We’re all a little pissed. I ask them where they’re headed and they say they’re hunting for food. I say I’m going home to sleep for several hours and we all laugh. And that’s it. And it happens every weekend.

Tony Romo better be f’in the f out of Jessica Simpson (Recap, Week 3)

I lost the Week 3 picks. I went 10-6 and Hernandez went 11-5. The guy is amazing at picking the ponies. He could quit his second job as a busker juggling Hostess treats if he’d just bet on his games. Hernandez is now 32-15, and destined like Icarus for greatness. I’m a humble 27-20.

I was out of town this weekend and went to great lengths not to hear or read about the outcomes of the games. I’m in an office pool and stand to win $75-$100 every week if I outpick 160 people. At that point, I find drama and heartbreak in every outcome. It’s that personal investment that amps it up.

I think this is why Cowboys fans are going to have their hearts torn out. The Cowboys won their football game this week against the pretty-damn-good Packers this week, 20-9, but Tony Romo is showing signs of wear from getting fucked in the wallet by tight-end girlfriend Jessica Simpson. On Sunday night’s game, he continued to attack his job like a man who had just received a tex during the game, something like “O baby I luv when u put yr hands between my thighs and i yell ‘hike’ throw a td gorgeous i luv u ^^”

The Cowboys have beat two of the most promising teams in the NFC in their first two weeks (Packers and Eagles) but the warning signs are there. Don’t be surprised if Tony Romo looks like Robert Evans by Week 13.

In other games, the Steelers lost the Red State-Blue State match to the Eagles 13-9. These are two of the top 10 teams in football, and this is the ugliest game I’ve seen in a long long time. The Patriots gave up without Tom Brady and choked badly, badly, badly to the Miami Dolphins who finished a couple places past last in 2007. I’m going to Boston on Sunday and may buy a mini tape recorder to guage reactions.

The Giants played an overtime thriller against the Cincinnati Bengals. The Giants were favored to stomp, but the Bengals pulled an incredible game out of their ass and the Giants *still* won. That’s a sign of a pretty good team. But the Bengals definitely found out they can run to the outside against the Giants’ weak defensive ends, and you can definitely throw to whoever Kevin Dockery is covering, who looked as good on the field as those khaki Dockers your aunt bought you in 2001 look on you.

Week 3 NFL Picks

Can it really be three weeks into the season already? It seems unpossible. But here we are with still so much unknown, except that the Giants are the best team in football, the Rams are the worst, and DeSean Jackson has already cemented his status as the league’s next Huge Prick Wide Receiver, following in the footsteps of Irvin, T.O., Ocho Fucko, Moss, etc.
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(Keith here. This week my picks will be mixed in Hernandez’s. But instead of adding commentary I’ll only be adding my picks, along with Hernandez’s inner monologue.)

With that, it’s time for my picks:
(I don’t feel good about these at all.)

Giants (13.5) vs. Bengals

I’m going to this game, which means there is a very strong possibility the Giants will lose. I think I’ve only seen like 3 wins in the dozen or so games I’ve been to in my life. Fuck…who am I kidding? The Giants will win. But only by 10.

Pick: Bengals

(Why am I so down on myself? How can my presence at the stadium among tens of thousands of fans impact anything? )

Keith’s Pick: Giants
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Falcons (4.5) vs. Chiefs

A game no one cares about, even in Atlanta and Kansas City. The deciding factor for me is that you should ALWAYS bet against Sermon Edwards.

Pick: Falcons

(I’ve always hated Herm Edwards because he used to play for my hated rival the Eagles. Secretly, I love him more than my father, and twice as much as my son.)

Keith’s Pick: Chiefs

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Bills (8.5) vs. Raiders

True story: My late grandfather was Al Davis’ high school football COACH. Gramps said he was third string at best, and “more useful as a waterboy.” Whether or not he said this because Davis is Jewish is something I will keep between he and I.

Pick: Bills

(Oops – did I write my grandfather was a ‘football’? That’s not what I meant. That was an error on my part. My grandfather was a cheerleader.)

Keith’s Pick: Bills
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Titans (5.5) vs. Texans

There should be a rivalry between these two teams because of the Houston Oiler connection, but today’s players are too rich to care about silly things like “history” and “tradition.” I bet Earl Campbell and Buddy Ryan would care if they were still alive. Hell, when he was running the D for the Oilers, Ryan punched out his offensive counterpart – current godlike New York Giants offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride – because he didn’t like the run and shoot offense. So you know he’d be looking to crack some Texan skulls this week. Albert Haynesworth definitely could’ve played for that fat, cheapshotting sumbitch.

Pick: Titans

(God, I love tacos. I hope I can eat some tacos when I get home tonight. I fucking love tacos. I know Keith loves tacos and has written about them, yet I’m pretty fucking sure I love tacos more than Keith loves tacos. I should challenge him to a taco-off.)

Keith’s Pick: Titans

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Redskins (3.5) vs. Cardinals

Can’t figure either of these two teams out.

Pick: Redskins

(When I talk to myself, I use Clint Eastwood’s voice. But when I look in the mirror, I only see myself. They say the mirror adds 15 pounds. I don’t know what the hell I’m talking about.)

Keith’s Pick: Redskins
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Patriots (12.5) vs. Dolphins

New England isn’t going to blow too many teams out this year.

Pick: Dolphins

(I reread what I wrote and it almost looks like I wrote ‘New England isn’t going to blow too many teams this year’. I have a dirty, dirrrrrrrty mind.)

Keith’s Pick: Dolphins
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Bears (3.5) vs. Buccaneers

Hate, hate, hate both these teams. They make football nearly unwatchable. And Kyle Orton vs. Brian Griese? P.U.

Pick: Bears

(And by “P.U.” I mean Puke University. Poop Unicorns. Peasant Urinals. Phish Underg. I’m talking the lowest of the low. Real scum.)

Keith’s Pick: Bucs

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Vikings (3.5) vs. Panthers

If I hear “The Vikings would be a Super Bowl team if they had a real QB” one more time I’m going to puke. Sure, they’d be BETTER if they had a real QB, but who the fuck is said QB going to throw to? Their receivers blow. Hard.

(I don’t understand this line either. Is it the whole, “This is a must win for Minnesota” thing? Makes no sense, not with Peterson hurt and the Panthers playing good ball.)

Pick: Panthers

(I know Minnesota’s going to win this one, but I’m throwing Keith a bone because I feel bad for him. I had no idea anyone could be that ticklish.)

Keith’s Pick: Vikings

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Seahawks (10.5) vs. Rams

Bwahahahahah!! The Rams are complete shit, but Seattle ain’t too far behind. Mike Holmgren (the second most overrated coach in the league behind Mike Shanahan) must give really good blowjobs to bookmakers to have them make his Hawks double-digit favorites. Like, REALLY good, porn star quality, deep throat, “I don’t forget to suck the balls and I swallow too” blowjobs.

Pick: Rams

(God, I need a blowjob.)

Keith’s Pick: Seahawks
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49ers (4.5) vs. Lions

San Fran isn’t exactly good, but they’re not exactly terrible either. And head coach Mike Nolan wears a goddamned suit on the sidelines. How can you not root for him?

Pick: 49ers

Keith’s Pick: Lions

(It’s so coooold in tha D…)
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Broncos (5.5) vs. Saints

Broncos have no defense, and they’re a bunch of cunts to boot. But they’ll win this shootout by a touchdown.

Pick: Broncos

(I hate Denver. It’s Vegas for Mormons.)

Keith’s Pick: Saints
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Eagles (3.5) vs. Steelers

One of the two best matchups on the schedule this weekend. We’ll see if my theory about the Steelers being slightly overrated holds up now that they’re finally playing a real team. My guess is it will. Also, fuck DeSean Jackson.

Pick: Eagles

(God, I hate picking the Eagles. I wish I hadn’t already called a team a bunch of cunts. Twice would be overkill. That’s just too many cunts. There’s no way around it.)

Keith’s Pick: Steelers
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Colts (5.5) vs. Jaguars

Both teams have banged up offensive lines, and Bob Sanders is out for the Colts. They may pull it out like they did against Minnesota last week, but they won’t cover.

Pick: Jaguars

Keith’s Pick: Jaguars

(I want to start a punk band and name them Tony Danza’s Castration Nightmare. Lord, am I fucked up.)

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Ravens (2.5) vs. Browns

Don’t care about this one either.

Pick: Ravens

(Nor do I.)

Keith’s Pick: Ravens
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Cowboys (3.5) vs. Packers

This week’s other best matchup. I like Aaron Rodgers and I’m rooting for him, but T.O. and Homo are going to destroy that secondary like Plaxico and Toomer did in the NFC Championship Game last January. Maybe even more. Also, fuck Jerry Jones.

Pick: Cowboys

(I live in a world where my two most hated rivals are two of the best teams in the league. I want to pluck the eyebrows of society with tweezers of rage in sheer defiance of the quality of these teams. I want to beat up their fans with a blowdryer and a bathtub.)

Keith’s Pick: Cowboys
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Chargers (8.5) vs. Jets

Glad to see Vegas agrees with me that the Jets are frauds. 0-2 San Diego is favored by more than a TD? Awesome! With that steroid freak Merriman out, the Chargers aren’t as tough as most thought they’d be on defense, but even so, they should still be 2-0.

Manboobs will have the wrong gameplan as always, Favre will throw 3 INT’s, D’Brickashaw Ferguson will get blowed up repeatedly, Tomlinson and Sproles will run all over their horrible defensive line, their new punter will tear his Achilles, and Laverneus Coles will cry some more about Chad Pennington being cut loose. GOD I love football!

Pick: Chargers

Keith’s Pick: Jets

(Enjoy the football.)

Updated Week 2 Standings

I get the Chargers win because they covered, so I was 11-4 this week. And because I’m a nice guy I’ll let Keith have his 49er “win,” even though he clearly picked the Seahawks, as you can read below.

If this goes any further we may have to let the judges weigh in.