Tis the season to be jolly, because it’s finally the season to watch grown men beat the ever-lovin’ shit out of each other on the gridiron again. Fuck off and die, baseball!
Our 3 readers have probably noticed this blog has been dormant lately following a scintillating start. But don’t blame Keith. He probably would’ve popped his head up more often if I had been around to give him good ideas to steal. Unfortunately I’ve been mostly unavailable in recent weeks because of three people: Barack Obama, John McCain and my new daughter. Now none of them are getting my vote in November.
(Interesting factoid: Little Cocaine was juuust edged out by Sarah Palin for the veep spot, on account of the fact that her tits aren’t as big as the governor’s. Someday sweetie, someday.)
So, yeah… about the blog. Football and the Premiership are underway, hockey and hoops are just around the corner, and even boring ass baseball is entering the only 6 weeks of the year it can consistently hold my interest. So we here at I’m Keith Hernandez are ready to kick it into another gear. Or at least first gear, considering we’ve been idling for two months now.
IKH v2.0 is primed for the real sports season to start, beginning with tonight’s NFL opener starring my World Champion New York Football Giants in the role of a bullet, and the Washington Redskins in the role of Sean Taylor’s femoral artery. Keith and I are real men who have decided to do weekly picks this year. Hopefully we’ll be able to come up with some meaningful stakes over drinks some night at IKH’s Manhattan outpost. Until then you’ll just have to settle for amazing insight, wisdom and dick jokes. And now the picks!
Giants (-4) over Redskins
If this line were 20 I’d still take the G-Men, who will crush the Native American pussies by three scores. Hard as it is to believe, Washington was actually a playoff team last year. How did that happen? I have no idea. This team sucks, the QB sucks, and with a new head coach and offensive system, they will be even worse this year. Jason Taylor should be an upgrade over the dead Sean Taylor, but not by much. Giants, meanwhile, will roll to a second straight Super Bowl title.
(Ed note: This was obviously written before Thursday’s game. While I was wrong about it being a blowout, anyone who saw it knows who dominated the game. Also, I still got the pick right, and I’m an honest guy to boot for not changing my post after the fact. Top that, bitch.)
Dolphins (+3) over Jets
Miami will play its ass off at home for Parcells. Hell, they even played their asses off last year when they were going nowhere. I see them as being a semi-sleeper this year. Not sleeper playoff caliber, but sleeper 8-8.
Favre will make the Jets better, but only by a little. NY spent a buttload of cash on old and washed up players (Faneca, Woody, Jenkins) and another guy who has never proven anything in the league (Calvin Pace.) Their top pick, Vernon Gohlston, is an athletic freak who doesn’t know how to play football. Same thing with their top pick from two years back, D’Brickashaw Ferguson, who despite his amazing name is as soft as a tampon. I love hating the Jets.
Ravens (+1.5) over Bengals
Speaking of soft, meet the Cincinnati Bengals. For a team of world class criminals and scumbags, you’d think they would play tougher. I guess they save it for their women. They’ll dissapoint again this year.
Every year I expect the Ravens to slip, and they have to a degree, but that D is always tough, and I have no doubt in my mind if these two teams were cellmates, the Bengals would be the ones taking it up the ass.
Chiefs (+15.5) over Patriots
Chiefs will suck again, but this spread is too big for Week 1, when most teams are still working out the kinks and don’t play sharp. Also, this isn’t last year. Giants shattered the cloak of invincibility, and New England has a terrible secondary. The Pats will win their division again, but they’re going to have to win a lot of shootouts to get there.
Texans (+6.5) over Steelers
Pittsburgh’s offensive line isn’t what it once was, and Big Ben is bound to get hurt again. Seems like they were doing it with smoke and mirrors last season. Call it a hunch, but I see them tailing off a bit this year.
Texans could be improved. I like Schaub (if he stays healthy) and their receivers, and Mario Williams is the real deal. I have witnesses who heard me trash Reggie Bush before the draft, and I love shoving it in their faces.
Jaguars (-3) over Titans
Titans are a solid, physical team, but the Jags are for real and will win it by at least a touchdown.
Lions (-1) over Falcons
Jesus – who fucked the Football God’s wife? Fess up, because the rest of us don’t deserve this crap.
Bills (-1) over Seahawks
I hate everything about those frontrunning, glass-jawed Seahawks. Can’t win on the road, and they play in the worst division in football. Also, Matt Hasselbeck’s sister-in-law is The View’s Elizabeth Hasselbeck, whose company I had the distinct displeasure of being in a few days ago. Whereas in the past she was just some idiot TV conservative who I mostly ignored (but wouldn’t mind fucking), now she may be my most hated person on the planet (who I’d definitely still fuck.) I’ll explain more another day.
Bills are going to sneak up on people like OJ surprised Ron and Nicole.
Saints (-3) over Buccaneers
Don’t like either team, but New Orleans’ O is going to be good. Hope you tear an ACL Shockey.
Eagles (-7.5) over Rams
The Eagles are the most overrated team in football, but these are the Rams we’re talking about, playing on the road in front of the crazed hordes of subhuman lowlifes that fill whatever they call that stadium that isn’t the Vet. Philly gets to feel good for one week at least.
Cowboys (-5.5) over Browns
My hatred of the Boys is overwhelming, so I’ll bite my tongue.
Panthers (+9) over Chargers
LaDanian Tomlinson will come back to earth this year, Philip Rivers is a cunt, and Steroid Boy Shawn Merriman is hurt. The Whale’s Vagina are a fashionable Super Bowl favorite, but this spread is too big. Plus, I love Jake the Snake.
(BTW, if anyone ever calls Tomlinson LT on this site, there will be hell to pay. I don’t feel the need to explain why.)
Cardinals (-2.5) over 49ers
Arizona has talent, but they’ll do something to fuck things up before it’s all said and done. Still, I’ll take them this week over the suck-ass San Franciscans.
Colts (-9.5) over Bears
Do I have to say anything other than Kyle Orton?
Packers (-2.5) over Vikings
Green Bay will survive the exodus of St. Brett because the rest of the team is better than people think. I’m actually rooting for Aaron Rodgers just to spite all of the Favre ass kissing. Also, I’m not sold on the Vikes. Tavaris Jackson is a complete enigma, and Adrian Peterson is being crowned waaay too soon. He’s based his whole reputation on like 5 good games last year. The rest of the time he was either average or injured. Can’t explain why I don’t like him – I just don’t.
Raiders (+3) over Broncos
Denver is another team I have an irrational hatred of. I just spent a week there, and honestly, it’s a shitty city. Sure, the mountains are beautiful and all, but here’s the dirty little secret about Denver – it’s not actually IN the mountains! It’s on the high plains NEAR the Rockies, but as for the actual city, it may as well be Indianapolis with a pretty backdrop. What does this have to do with football? Nothing. But I hate Jay Cutler and Mike “The Most Overrated Coach in the NFL” Shanahan, and I like to see dirtbags like Oakland beat up on pretty boys like the Broncos. So there.
Your move Keith.