Fantasy sports suck. They’re nerdy, boring and ultimately unfulfilling. And that would all be fine and dandy if that’s as far as it went. But it’s so much worse than that. Fantasy sports are actually contributing to the dumbing down of sports. And that’s unforgivable.
Many of the problems with fantasy sports mirror the problems of actual sports, the biggest being the de-emphasis on defense, which is the heart of any real sport (and you’re right on the cusp baseball, so you’d better watch it.) I love good offense in any sport, but it doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Without good defense that good offense wouldn’t mean shit. And sure, there are a few defensive categories that “count” in fantasy sports, but not nearly enough. So now we’ve got a whole generation of jackasses rooting twice as hard for receptions, assists and doubles as they do for tackles, steals and putouts. Fucking lame.
Those same jackasses also think that just because they know some diva wide receiver’s YAC average, or some Dominican middle infielder’s two-strike batting average in close and late situations against lefties during day games in June, that they actually know something about sports. They don’t. Nerds like that are more like Rain Man, but with even less of a chance of getting laid because their brothers don’t look like Tom Cruise.
It’s maddening listening to fantasy dorks like Matthew Berry make predictions about teams when he has NO idea what the concept of a team is. Knowing individual players doesn’t mean you know which teams are good, so stop fronting, Talented Mr. Homo, who picks the Rams to be good every year because of Bulger, Jackson and Holt. What an asshole. Do you even realize how gay your nickname is?
The other terrible thing about fantasy sports is that it forces weak minded fans to root for or against things that shouldn’t even be on the table. Have you ever heard someone say, “I hope [insert team] doesn’t score any more runs this inning because I have [insert closer] on my fantasy team and they won’t bring him in if they’re up by more than three runs,” then that team goes on to lose the game? I did, and to this day I regret not punching her in the face.
It’s with all this in mind that I’d like to announce …drumroll, please… Keith and I have joined a fantasy basketball league! Isn’t that awesome? We’re really excited about it.
Keith suggested naming the team after a crappy white player from our youth, and I didn’t need much convincing. He had me at “white.” So our team is named Beef Wennington, in honor of Canadian stick figure Bill Wennington. (Seen below completing the only dunk of his career.)
I followed Wennington growing up when he played with Chris Mullin at St. John’s, then watched in horror as this total dickwad rode Michael Jordan’s coattails past my Knicks on the way to three championships. There is no justice in this world.
I’m not even sure Keith knows this, but according to those lying sacks of shit at Wikipedia, for a brief time a McDonald’s in Chicago actually named one of its sandwiches the “Beef Wennington.” I don’t believe that for a second. But even if they did and Keith knew about it, he still gets mad props for coming up with the name.
(Keith’s other name suggestion was Touch Me I’m Sikma, btw, which is fucking genius. But I doubted most Yahoo fantasy players would get the Mudhoney reference. Or the Jack Sikma one either, come to think of it. Keith’s always too cool for the room.)
It was my idea to join a league because I wanted to see how much of a mockery I could make of fantasy sports from the inside. And since I don’t know what I’m doing, I fucked up and didn’t give Keith a chance to pre-rank our players before I inadvertently entered the draft, so you can blame me for our roster.
Actually, you can blame me for Beef Wennington’s AWESOME roster! We’ve got LeBron James, Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, Kevin Durant, Derrick Rose, Josh Smith, Tyrus Thomas and four – count ’em – FOUR Knicks. (Zach Randolph, Nate Robinson, Wilson Chandler and David Lee, if you’re interested.)
I picked a lot of Knicks because I wanted some guys I actually root for in real life, and because I truly believe they will all have good fantasy stats playing for Mike D’Antoni. Last night certainly bore that out as I kicked major ass against my overmatched opponent, Heat Comeback, who – unlike me – probably spent hours ranking his players before the draft.
So anyway, the league started this week, and I will be controlling the team until Sunday. Then Keith will take over next week, and we’ll alternate like that for the rest of the season. We’ll report back on all the goings on as we try to rock the fantasy world for a pointless and forgettable championship. It should be as much fun as our ongoing NFL picks contest. Or not. Whatever. It’s just fucking fantasy sports anyway.