Monthly Archives: October 2008

Double Fantasy: A Very Special IKH

Fantasy sports suck. They’re nerdy, boring and ultimately unfulfilling. And that would all be fine and dandy if that’s as far as it went. But it’s so much worse than that. Fantasy sports are actually contributing to the dumbing down of sports. And that’s unforgivable.

Many of the problems with fantasy sports mirror the problems of actual sports, the biggest being the de-emphasis on defense, which is the heart of any real sport (and you’re right on the cusp baseball, so you’d better watch it.) I love good offense in any sport, but it doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Without good defense that good offense wouldn’t mean shit. And sure, there are a few defensive categories that “count” in fantasy sports, but not nearly enough. So now we’ve got a whole generation of jackasses rooting twice as hard for receptions, assists and doubles as they do for tackles, steals and putouts. Fucking lame.

Those same jackasses also think that just because they know some diva wide receiver’s YAC average, or some Dominican middle infielder’s two-strike batting average in close and late situations against lefties during day games in June, that they actually know something about sports. They don’t. Nerds like that are more like Rain Man, but with even less of a chance of getting laid because their brothers don’t look like Tom Cruise.

It’s maddening listening to fantasy dorks like Matthew Berry make predictions about teams when he has NO idea what the concept of a team is. Knowing individual players doesn’t mean you know which teams are good, so stop fronting, Talented Mr. Homo, who picks the Rams to be good every year because of Bulger, Jackson and Holt. What an asshole. Do you even realize how gay your nickname is?

The other terrible thing about fantasy sports is that it forces weak minded fans to root for or against things that shouldn’t even be on the table. Have you ever heard someone say, “I hope [insert team] doesn’t score any more runs this inning because I have [insert closer] on my fantasy team and they won’t bring him in if they’re up by more than three runs,” then that team goes on to lose the game? I did, and to this day I regret not punching her in the face.

It’s with all this in mind that I’d like to announce …drumroll, please… Keith and I have joined a fantasy basketball league! Isn’t that awesome? We’re really excited about it.

Keith suggested naming the team after a crappy white player from our youth, and I didn’t need much convincing. He had me at “white.” So our team is named Beef Wennington, in honor of Canadian stick figure Bill Wennington. (Seen below completing the only dunk of his career.)


I followed Wennington growing up when he played with Chris Mullin at St. John’s, then watched in horror as this total dickwad rode Michael Jordan’s coattails past my Knicks on the way to three championships. There is no justice in this world.

I’m not even sure Keith knows this, but according to those lying sacks of shit at Wikipedia, for a brief time a McDonald’s in Chicago actually named one of its sandwiches the “Beef Wennington.” I don’t believe that for a second. But even if they did and Keith knew about it, he still gets mad props for coming up with the name.

(Keith’s other name suggestion was Touch Me I’m Sikma, btw, which is fucking genius. But I doubted most Yahoo fantasy players would get the Mudhoney reference. Or the Jack Sikma one either, come to think of it. Keith’s always too cool for the room.)

It was my idea to join a league because I wanted to see how much of a mockery I could make of fantasy sports from the inside. And since I don’t know what I’m doing, I fucked up and didn’t give Keith a chance to pre-rank our players before I inadvertently entered the draft, so you can blame me for our roster.

Actually, you can blame me for Beef Wennington’s AWESOME roster! We’ve got LeBron James, Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, Kevin Durant, Derrick Rose, Josh Smith, Tyrus Thomas and four – count ’em – FOUR Knicks. (Zach Randolph, Nate Robinson, Wilson Chandler and David Lee, if you’re interested.)

I picked a lot of Knicks because I wanted some guys I actually root for in real life, and because I truly believe they will all have good fantasy stats playing for Mike D’Antoni. Last night certainly bore that out as I kicked major ass against my overmatched opponent, Heat Comeback, who – unlike me – probably spent hours ranking his players before the draft.

So anyway, the league started this week, and I will be controlling the team until Sunday. Then Keith will take over next week, and we’ll alternate like that for the rest of the season. We’ll report back on all the goings on as we try to rock the fantasy world for a pointless and forgettable championship. It should be as much fun as our ongoing NFL picks contest. Or not. Whatever. It’s just fucking fantasy sports anyway.

Week 8 Recap

Keith stomped my ass in the picks this week. He pulled a 9 to 5 (which from now on will be known as a Dolly Parton) versus my pathetic 4-10. Keith’s most inspired picks were Miami over Buffalo and Cleveland over Jacksonville, good calls both. I don’t even want to check if he’s overtaken me for the year, but my guess is he has. But like a great man once said, “I’ll be back.” I think it was General MacArthur.

Anyhoo, great job Keith. You deserve the win, even if the final margin would’ve been a hell of a lot closer were it not for half points. What are half points, you say? EXACTLY!!! What the fuck ARE they? You can’t score HALF a point in football – you score a point. A WHOLE point!! Even points scored by that half a fag Jeff Garcia count as a whole point! I don’t get it.

I had the Patriots, who were favored by 7.5 and won by 7. I also had the Panthers favored by 4.5. Too bad they only won by 4. So I essentially picked these two games right on the money because I actually know something about football, and then I get fucked in the ass by some anonymous Vegas bookie and his precious half points? That ain’t right. At least buy me dinner first before you rape me like that.

The good thing is that none of this matters because the Giants went into Shitsburgh and knocked Big Ben on his big ass. (Seriously – that thing is huge.) I think a great prognosticator (me) wrote something in his preview of the game that said: “The bottom line in most football games comes down to the lines. In this one, I think the Giants offensive line will handle the Steelers defensive line more than the Steelers offensive line will handle the Giants defensive line.”

Damn fucking straight. I give the Steelers credit for shutting down the Giants awesome running game. But they didn’t sack Eli ONCE, while we sacked Ben 5 times. Couldn’t have asked for a better script. (Kudos to Kevin Gilbride, BTW, for sticking with the run even when it wasn’t working. I’m not being sarcastic in the slightest. It was extremely smart and helped win the game for us.)

Can I just take a moment to salute Mr. Manning for delivering once again in a big spot? To have the presence of mind to intentionally call that second consecutive timeout on 4th and 1 in the fourth quarter was genius. He said afterwards that the play they were supposed to run after the first timeout definitely wouldn’t have worked, and he preferred to take the penalty and take his chances on 4th and 6 instead. That takes colossal cojones.

Then what did he actually do on the 4th and 6 play? His best throw of the game, the 35-yard strike to Toomer down to the 6 yard line to set up another field goal. Just awesome. It’s plays like this that make me believe Eli could win multiple titles, and that my prediction offered in the very first week of this humble blog’s existence – that the Giants would be back in the Super Bowl this year – will come true.

Up next? Dallas comes to Giants Stadium. I was hoping for “Make Jessica Simpson Cry” week, but will have to settle for “Make Brad Johnson’s Kids Cry” week instead. Should be fun!

Special programming note: Keith and I have a very special announcement to make, but it deserves its own post. Stay tuned gaylords.

Keith’s picks, Week 8

For posterity. This is Hernandez’s bag. Let’s hope that Hernandez eventually finds a couple of pink diamonds, yellow moons and Mexican testicles in a box of Lucky Charms soon, ‘cos he should be making money on all of this.

Anyway, my picks:

Steelers (2.5) vs. Giants

Hernandez wrote a lot of journalistic horseshit about football. I agree with some of it–Aaron Ross and the Giants secondary has to wake up, but the Steelers offensive line has been very uneven. I’m not counting on Eli to lead the Giants to victory, but I am expecting Fred Robbins, Barry Cofield, Antonio Pierce and Justin Tuck to get into a menage a cinq with Big Ben.

Sometime tomorrow, I’m going to call my 6-year-old niece and read her that last sentence. I’ll report back on what she says.

PICK: GIANTS
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Jets (11.5) vs. Chiefs

Yes, Hernandez, I watched the Jets/Raiders game. I also watched the Jets put 50+ points on the Arizona Cardinals this year. The Chiefs are *the* worst team in the NFL, and your mancrush Herm Edwards is not going to disappoint the 2-3000 Jets fans who still love him.

PICK: JETS

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Ravens (6.5) vs. Raiders

Hernandez took the Ravens, and I am too. I hate both of these teams with a passion. If they met in a gang fight circa 1982 ‘Beat It’, neither of these franchises would exist.

I mainly dislike the Ravens because of ‘The Wire’. Love that show. And has a show ever made a city look worse than ‘The Wire’?

PICK: RAVENS
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Chargers (3.5) vs. Saints

Hernandez is right–this UK crap is a waste of time. And any ‘football’ fan who shows up at this goofy London exhibition is a jackass because Chelsea is playing my beloved Liverpool a few hours earlier.

New Orleans was founded by the French. They’ll blanche and poisson in front of the English crowd.

PICK: CHARGERS
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Bills (1.5) vs. Dolphins

Hernandez and I have been riding the Bills pretty heavy, but I’m jumping off the train. They’re not that great. Yes, they’re 5-1, but they haven’t put a game away in a long time. I expect the Dolphins to knock them on their ass.

PICK: DOLPHINS
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Buccaneers (4.5) vs. Cowboys

As Giants fans, Hernandez and I love to see the Cowboys lose. At the same time, just talking about the team is a puke prayer. It’s not enough to watch this team lose. I wish that ‘Dazed and Confused’ would merge with reality, and O’Bannon would spank the spunk out of the Cowboys after they lose this game.

I’d also bet every dollar in the bank that Jessica Simpson will dump Tony Romo before he dumps her. He’s about to become a nothing.

PICK: BUCCANEERS
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Eagles (8.5) vs. Falcons

The Eagles historically do very well after a bye week, but Matt Ryan, the rookie QB for Atlanta, is slaying and baking ass at 350 degrees, and pulling game from the other oven like they do on cooking shows.

PICK: FALCONS
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Patriots (7.5) vs. Rams

Rams. Bet your life on it.

PICK: RAMS.
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Panthers (4.5) vs. Cardinals

Hernandex picked the Panthers. Whatever game this team is involved in, I lose. Carolina hates me.

I’m picking the Cardinals. They’re the Alex P. Keaton of the NFL. They will prove.

PICK: CARDINALS
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Redskins (7.5) vs. Lions

PICK: REDSKINS. The Lions are butt cotton candy at this point.

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Jaguars (6.5) vs. Browns

The Jags haven’t won a game by more than 7 points. And their defense has fallen apart. Does rooting for an Ohio team get me off the hook for giving money to homeless people?

PICK: BROWNS
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49ers (4.5) vs. Seahawks

I’d rather slit my wrists like pregnant tuna than watch this game. Seattle is ravaged by injury, and their one hope, QB Matt Hasselback is sitting this week. Meanwhile, San Fran fired their coach this week.

This could be the ugliest game ever.

PICK: SEAHAWKS (before I learned Hasselback was out)
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Texans (10.5) vs. Bengals

Hernandez. Oye como va.

Pick: BENGALS
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Titans (3.5) vs. Colts

This is going to be an incredible football game. If you hate whiskey and football and Indianapolis,l throw that shit to the curb — this is going to be better than the best fight sex you’ve ever had.

Hernandez picked the Colts. Ha! The Titans haven’t been on National TV for 4 years (maybe 3 — I’m making it up at this point) and they’re going to win. The Colts are useless.

PICK : TITANS

Week 8 Picks – Hernandez

Can’t tell you how happy I am that the NFL season officially starts this Sunday for the Giants. Too bad it took seven weeks to get to this point.

Pro football is exactly like pizza, beer, weed and pussy, in that all of those things are always great even when they’re bad. But the Giants steady diet of lightweights this season has been more like Domino’s, Natural Light, shake and Tori Spelling.

Thankfully my boys step up in quality this week against a worthy opponent. I’ve been saying all along that the Steelers are a little overrated, and I stand by it, but this week I’m willing to kiss their asses because at least they’re a real football team with a real defense and real fans. And you can’t beat Mara vs. Rooney. Also, Omar Epps is their coach, and “Juice” was the shit y’all.

Let’s get this one out of the way first since I’ve been obsessing over it all week…

Steelers (2.5) vs. Giants

I can literally see ANYTHING happening in this game: low scoring, shootout, overtime, blowout. It’s completely unpredictable. This isn’t one of those Good D vs. Good O matchups, or Passing Team vs. Running Team jobs. Both teams have great QB’s, excellent running games and strong defenses, and whichever one unit plays the best will determine how this one goes.

I think the Giants have the better running game, but the Steelers have the better D, so they’re even there. The Steelers are at home, which gives them an edge, but they just lost Santonio Holmes to a marijuana bust, so that might level the playing field. Roethlisberger narrowly cheated death on a motorcycle, but Eli had to grow up as Peyton’s little brother; we’ll call that a wash.

Aaron Ross needs to step it up this week after two straight bad games. David Diehl and Kareem McKenzie have to play well because the Steelers pass rush mostly comes from their outside linebackers. I think both of those guys are solid, but they’re a little weaker than Seubert, Snee and O’Hara in pass protection, so they could be vulnerable there. For some reason I see Ahmad Bradshaw having a big game.

The bottom line in most football games comes down to the lines. In this one, I think the Giants offensive line will handle the Steelers defensive line more than the Steelers offensive line will handle the Giants defensive line. And now I have a headache.

Pick: Giants

Almost forgot…my unsung Giant of the week is Barry Cofield. It would’ve been Fred Robbins, but he’s finally starting to get the pub he’s been deserving of the last two years, so I’m going with his even more unsung partner in crime. Cofield isn’t spectacular, but he consistently clogs the middle against the run and he gets a good push into the backfield. He’s also started every game since being drafted without fanfare in the fourth round in 2006. You win with glue guys like this. And last week’s “Don’t Tase Me, Bro” sack dance (his title) was the bomb.

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Jets (11.5) vs. Chiefs

You have GOT to be kidding me. I know the Chiefs are terrible, I know they don’t have their best player because he assaulted a ho for the fourth time in as many years, and I know the media still gargles Favres cum, but this spread is a joke. Did anyone else watch Jets/Raiders besides Keith and I? Hopefully not because it was some Tori Spelling-quality snatch, but it proved the Jets are going nowhere fast. They’re just not as talented as they get credit for, and now it looks like St. Brett’s arm might be a little banged up. Poor, lying snitch.

Pick: Chiefs

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Ravens (6.5) vs. Raiders

Ravens are so up and down, but I just can’t take JaMarcus Russell on the road against that defense. And I’m rooting for Baltimore because Keith and I are going to Ravens/Giants in a few weeks and I’d like to see two teams with something to play for.

Pick: Ravens

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Chargers (3.5) vs. Saints

I can’t believe UK officials are going to let this game happen after that nearly unwatchable sludgefest between the Giants and Dolphins in London last year. Hopefully the weather is better this time around. If the NFL was smart it would hold its overseas game in Germany, the only European country to show any interest in American football. But sending that many black dudes to Germany may incite a race riot, so maybe they know what they’re doing. As long as Philip Rivers gets lost somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean it’s all good.

Pick: Chargers

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Bills (1.5) vs. Dolphins

Wildcat THIS motherfuckers.

Pick: Bills

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Buccaneers (4.5) vs. Cowboys

Two of the worst cities, teams, coaches and fanbases in the world. Die, all of you.

Pick: Buccaneers

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Eagles (8.5) vs. Falcons

The Eagles lose in the afternoon and the Phillies lose Game 4 that same night. A boy can dream, right?

Pick: Falcons

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Patriots (7.5) vs. Rams

Sure, the Patriots are just as likely to stink the joint out as they are to blow someone out, but there is no fucking way in hell the Rams are beating the Redskins, Cowboys and Patriots in a row.

Pick: Patriots

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Panthers (4.5) vs. Cardinals

Both these teams are intriguing, and I can see it going either way. THIS is why I don’t put money on sports. To quote my favorite Mr. Sparkle pick from last week, “More Panthers than Cardinals!”

Pick: Panthers

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Redskins (7.5) vs. Lions

Easy money, like Billy Joel and Rodney Dangerfield.

Pick: Redskins

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Jaguars (6.5) vs. Browns

Are the Jags ready to make their move?

Pick: Jaguars

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49ers (4.5) vs. Seahawks

San Francisco sucks, and I actually think this one is an easy call. That’s how bad Seattle is.

Pick: 49ers

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Texans (10.5) vs. Bengals

A two-win team favored by 10.5? Nonsense. Don’t start with that “But Carson Palmer isn’t playing!” bullshit either. Cincy has been in most of their games, and they’ll cover this week.

Pick: Bengals

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Titans (3.5) vs. Colts

Really looking forward to this game. If the Titans win it pretty much officially signals the changing of the guard in the AFC. If the Colts win it’ll be a huge upset, and who doesn’t like upsets? Either way we win. And the funny thing is, I don’t actually WANT the Colts to go away just yet. They’re too much fun to watch and to root against. I definitely think they’re old, injured and mediocre this year, but I can see Peyton pulling one out of his clenched white ass and stealing it at the end.

Pick: Colts

Happy football everyone! If you don’t watch Giants/Steelers you’re a huge pussy.

The World Series!

Football Recap, Week 7. Feh. Not only did I pick badly (I don’t even want to count), but Hernandez put his picks into a comment, very lame, which does our forefather Keith, uh, unproud. (Misproud? Unproud?) You’re slackin, boy. The state can take that kid away from you as fast as they gave it to you. And by ‘state’ I mean ’12 year-old sister’.

Tomorrow night the World Series begins! It’s the Philadelphia Phillies, the world’s worst baseball team ever, versus the Tampa Bay Rays, who are so cute and underdoggedy you want to take ’em all fishin’ then scratch their bellies.

First the good news — there is no New York or Boston team in this World Series. The fourth time this decade. And since the Cubs and Dodgers are gone too, Fox Sports stands to lose a shitload of money on ad revenues this year. Which means maybe they’ll try to back out of their contract and stop showing the World Series before 2013. And then I wouldn’t have to ear-bleed all over my pillows from hearing Joe Buck and Tim McCarver’s dung dirge.

Tampa Bay is the kind of team that makes baseball fans feel good about themselves. A bunch of no-name kids huckered themselves up, took no guff from no man, hitched ’emselves toget’ and saddled up a near-championship season, knockin’ off foes like they was berries on a branch with the butt of their always unloaded rifle. Safety first!

That’s why I’m rooting for the Phillies. Having lived in Philadelphia for 6 years, let me remind of you the main reason why professional sports exist – to keep men out of prison. Nowhere is this clearer than in the fair city of Philadephia, where the line between prisoner and professional athlete is drawn in chalk on the field–if you can beat security, you probably make the team, whether it be Phillies, Eagles, 76ers or Flyers.

Competition has always been in our guts; the fire that laps at the inside of our bellies like so many whiskies and pimp steaks. And in Philadelphia, I think this team wants to give their city a championship. They’re not nobler than other franchises, I just think they’re plain scared of what will happen if they don’t. soon.

The last Phillies championship was in 1980, and the last Philadelphia championship in any major sport was 1983, when Dr. J led the Sixers to the last time in Philadelphia sports history when anyone poured champagne over someone’s head without breaking it over that same head 5 seconds later.

This is astonishing. Philly is the 5th biggest metropolitan area in the country. Here are the Top 10 with their last championship in any of the 4 major sports (see how I counted hockey, Hernandez?)

1: New York. Last championship: New York Giants, like a few months ago, 2008.

2: Los Angeles. Last championship: 2007, Anaheim Mighty Ducks. Also, the Lakers used to be pretty good.

3: Chicago. Last championship: 2005, White Sox. That doesn’t include the Northsiders, I guess, but the Cubs are trash. And the Bulls used to be somewhat apt at basketball.

4: Dallas. Last championship; all the way back to ’99 for the Dallas Stars! (Why does Dallas have a hockey team? Does Vassar have a prostitution ring?)

5: Philadelphia. 25 YEARS AND COUNTING.

6: Houston. Gets kinda close, the last title was in 1995 for the Rockets. Still, 12 years less than Philly. Really, another point in favor of Philly – Houston desperately deserves this distinction. If I had $100 billion, I couldn’t build a theme park called ‘Dead-End Awfulness’ and make it worse than Houston. And if I had that kinda cash, you’d be damn sure I’d build an amusement park.

7: Miami – 2006 (The Heat), plus a 2003 World Series ring.

8: Wash D.C. – The Redskins won a Super Bowl in 1992, 16 years ago. But Washington, D.C. is not a city. It’s a pimp. And Baltimore is its bitch.

9: Atlanta. Won a World Series in 1995. Only one title in the city’s history, which would be sad if Atlanta hadn’t lost four other World Series that decade, when they were the absolute best team in baseball.

10: Boston. Don’t get me started. I think it’s been about 12 weeks since they last won something.

I’m not saying it’s the Phillies’ year; the Rays showed they were tougher than the Yankees when they quit choking and shut the Red Sox down in Game 7, and the few hundred who turn in will probably be rooting for them. They’re a gutsy team. But by ending Philadelphia’s dry stretch, that city might get saved and live to breathe another decade.

Also, a Phillies win would cause them to roll over next year so the choke artist Mets can back into the playoffs in 2009. Go baseball!

Week 7 Recap

All is right with the world now that the Giants got back to winning, albeit unimpressively. Almost as importantly, all is also right in the IKH world now that I got back to beating Keith in the picks. He went 5-9 and I went 9-5. What a way to make a livin’.

Speaking of tits, hasn’t it been a great last couple weeks for sports? Fantastic NFL action, hockey is back with a vengeance in a vacuum (more on that soon), Champions League and Premiership soccer is in full swing, baseball’s been interesting for a change, and even the NBA is getting down to business, with the regular season a little over a week away. More on that last one soon too. Keith better hold up his end of the season preview we haven’t ever discussed doing.

So kudos to you, sports! You never let me down.

Keith’s Week 7 Picks, Mr. Sparkle Style

GIANTS (-10.5) vs. 49ers

Giants! Eli Manning shape his head like football!
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Jets (-3.5) vs. RAIDERS

Jets! Brett Favre make disappear GULP!
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Titans (-7.5) vs. CHIEFS

Titans! CHIEFS! Titans! Titans! Titans! More Titans then Chiefs!
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Chargers (-2.5) vs. BILLS

Bills! Buffalo glows with lights!
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Steelers (-9.5) vs. BENGALS

Bengals! Pittsburgh for laughing!
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DOLPHINS (-2.5) vs. Ravens

Ravens! Black bird like toothbrush! CAW!
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Cowboys (-7.5) vs. RAMS

Cowboys! Hi-ho Sliver! Run like legless snakes!
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BEARS (-3.5) vs. Vikings

Bears! Taste just like Chicken!
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PANTHERS (-3.5) vs. Saints

Saints! New Orleans gonna Hell! Drew Brees very long-harded!
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TEXANS (-8.5) vs. Lions.

Texans! Make Lions out of Monkey!
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REDSKINS (-7.5) vs. Browns.

Redskins! Too many colors! Brown in babies!
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Colts (-1.5) vs. PACKERS.

Colts! Shoot foot in leg on PACKERS!
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BUCCANEERS (-10.5) vs. Seahawks.

Buccaneers! Very food for conquest!
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PATRIOTS (-3.5) vs. Broncos.

Broncos! Tom Brady in sick hospital! Gisele go soup freeze! BRONCOS!
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