Daily Archives: October 2, 2008

Hernandez Week 5 Picks

keith: once again I will edit this post to make my picks.

Regarding Week 4, I wrote last time that I was due for a bad week, and boy was I right! It was about the only thing I actually DID get right, as I finished with a catastrophic 4-9 record. A retard could have beaten me. Or in this case Keith, who did much better than a retard and kicked my ass by going 9-4. Nice job. And since we both got to watch the Cowboys and Eagles lose, I think we ALL came up winners.

So my huge lead is down to a measly game, and we’ve got a real contest here. For the season I lead 37-23 to Keith’s 36-24, even though I gifted him that completely bogus 49er “win” in Week 2 (look it up). It didn’t seem like a big deal at the time, but now I’m sweating. I’m going to look like a total fool if I lose the season series to a guy who doesn’t even have a favorite football team. Keith, why do you hate freedom?

keith: I actually spend money on my picks–that’s why the seahawks/49ers connection is legit. Hernandez spends all his money on goofy patents — last I heard he wanted to put Pop-Tart frosting on Hot Pockets. He’s a gloriously misguided man. Just thought you should know.


Giants (7.5) vs Seahawks

Football is always great, but last week kind of sucked because the Giants had their bye week. Now they’re refreshed and ready to roll, even without Plaxico Burress. Domenik Hixon will paralyze at least one of Seattle’s corners like he did to Kevin Everett last year. Metaphorically, of course.

Pick: Giants

BTW, I’m starting a new segment where every week I’ll highlight one of the unsung player who help make the Giants the best team in the NFL. This week it’s Aaron Ross, the second year DB who is mostly invisible on the field this year because no one throws at him. He’s a shutdown corner already, but it’ll probably take the fuckwads who cover the league about two more years before they figure it out. Guys live off their outdated reps forever in this league. For instance, most people still think Champ Bailey is a Pro Bowler. Or that Mike Shanahan is a good coach.

Keith: No argument. Giants will stomp. With Plaxico Burress’s suspension for being a lazy-ass, the Giants will run all day, like shit from a cokehead.

Texans vs Colts (3.5)

How the hell are the Colts favored on the road against anyone at this point? Houston isn’t that bad, and Indy is beat up and mediocre. Like I said above, it’s hard to shake a rep once you’ve got one.

Pick: Texans

The Texans have no defense. Imagine Paris Hilton in a rape case. The Colts *are* beat up, and the Texans hate the Colts. But Peyton Manning thrives off being hated. That’s why he does so many commercials. Keith picks the Colts.

Ravens vs Titans (3.5)

Cousin Sal said the over/under on this game is 3, which is hilarious. And true. It might set football back decades. But man I wish I could watch, because I love me some defense, and these two teams play it. Ravens were extremely unlucky to lose to the Steelers last Monday after outplaying them all game. I think they pull off the upset, because while the Titans are good, they’re not 5-0 good.

Pick: Ravens

The Titans have better defense than the Ravens. Watching this game will be like watching garbagemen collect trash, along with the pissy attitude that said garbagemen make more than you do. Later that day, you’ll throw a gum wrapper on the street, yell “fuck them”, and hot chicks will laugh at you. This is in no way autobiographical.

Keith picks the Titans.

Dolphins vs Chargers (6.5)

I’ll keep saying it over and over – the Dolphins are frisky. I’m a huge Parcells guy. They won’t have a winning record this year, but he’s shown at every stop he’s made that he dramatically improves his team. I’ll start picking them more often as the season goes along, but this week I think the Chargers will win by a touchdown.

Pick: Chargers

Keith says: I pick the Dolphins. No NFL player is a bigger pothead than Ricky Williams. You know he’s going to smoke out the SoCal team and fuck ’em up. Also, QB Chad Pennington is finally getting pussy cos he loves the Cubanos. His Miami hotel room is unofficially called ‘The Cigar Bar’.

Panthers (9.5) vs Chiefs

Chiefs shocked the shit out of me last week, but that was a fluke.

Pick: Panthers

Keith picks the Chiefs. Spread is too high.

Keith likes referring to himself in the 3rd person, by the way.


Eagles (5.5) vs Redskins

I should’ve realized when I was picking Cowboys/Redskins last week that rivalry games are usually close. This one will be too, especially with an injured Westbrook.

Hey, has anyone noticed that Andy Reid is the second most overrated coach in the league after Shanahan? For 10 years this guy has repeatedly botched playcalls and time management, and his teams always choke down the stretch. Why is he considered an elite coach? He’s been lucky to have so many talented players to cover up for the fact that he’s a stupid, fat fuck. And his kids are fucked up drug addicts too. Nice job Andy!

Pick: Redskins

Keith picks the Eagles. Note to hernandez: Westbrook is playing this week. And if you think the Redskins are beating the Cowboys & Eagles in successive weeks, you’re fucked. To the readers: I’m hatching a plan to let hernandez’s wife know how bad he is at gambling.

Lions vs Bears (2.5)

The Curse of Millen has been lifted. That gets them a win at home against a mediocre Bears team that was very lucky to beat the Eagles last week.

Pick: Lions

Keith’s pick: Bears. Note to Hernandez: You just got your ass kicked from a terrible boss for 5 years and found out he was fired. Would you immediately try to do better at your job? Or would you buy a basketful of Taco Bell and get drunk and happy with your crew?


Packers (2.5) vs Falcons

No Aaron Rodgers, or maybe one with a dislocated shoulder? No thanks.

Pick: Falcons

Keith’s pick: Packers. Easy money.

Broncos (3.5) vs Buccaneers

Another upset special, at least according to the oddsmakers. I actually won’t consider it an upset when Tampa beats up on this piece of shit team and its Swiss cheese D.

Pick: Buccaneers

I think Hernandez is right on this one, but I pick the Broncos. Sometimes, the fat chick at the prom gives the best blowjobs.

49ers vs Patriots (3.5)

Kind of tempting to take San Fran, but I just can’t. I won’t be surprised if it’s close.

Pick: Patriots

Keith: I took the 49ers. Probably a bad choice.

Cardinals (1.5) vs Bills

Most ridiculous line of the week. Kurt Warner threw for 450+ yards last week, but did you actually see the game? He turned the ball over six times and looked like he had CP. With Boldin out with a broken sinus (how is that even possible?) this is just nuts. Another non-upset upset.

Pick: Bills

Hernandez and I love the Bills. Pull your money out of the market, convince your wife you’re buying her jewelry, and spend it all on this game.

Cowboys (11.5) vs Bengals

LOVED that the Cowgirls lost last week, but I’m not going to pretend they ain’t good. They’ll be pissed and will put a whipping on Cincy.

Pick: Cowboys

Keith: NO fucking way. Oh wait–Cincy? Sadly, yes. The Cowboys will destroy this team.

Jaguars (3.5) vs Steelers

And here’s where I repeat for the fifth straight week that Pittsburgh is just average. Meanwhile, Jacksonville saved its season against Indy and are looking to get back in the race.

Pick: Jaguars

Keith: The Steelers just beat the best rated defense. This is an easy pick. As usual, Hernandez is unreliable. Buy insurance if you follow his adivce.


Saints (3.5) vs Vikings

To me, the Saints are a Russian Roulette pick every week. Their defense sucks, but they ARE capable of exploding on offense at any given time, usually when I pick against them. But I’m still doing it, because I think Minnesota will control the ball on the ground enough to keep it close and maybe even win it.

Pick: Vikings

Keith: Agreed.

Bonus Pick: Biden (17.5) vs Palin

This spread is too high. Biden will win, but he’ll come off as arrogant and condescending while doing so. Also, Palin will win major sympathy points because no one likes to see the mentally challenged get picked on like that.

Pick: Palin