Well — what a dick and a couple of balls it’s been. Let’s work backwards, chronologically:
TUESDAY night, 7:00-ish p.m. I’m sitting in Louise and Jerry’s in Hoboken, New Jersey, when a guy walks in with his friend, your average after-work early 50s guy. The bartender laughs and says it’s the mayor. It turns out it was the Naked Mayor, so named for his front porch photo spread while he was running for office. The bartender put shot glasses in front of me and my friend, upside down, and said “It’s on the Mayor.” I turn to the Mayor, raise my beer, and go back to what I was doing, somewhat expecting the glasses to eventually be inverted and filled with something cheap. Nope. Never came. It appears the naked mayor has no clothes. Touche!
I tell you, Jersey is like the Wild West to me. It’s like ‘Deadwood’ if the dialogue were written by the Fonz.
MONDAY night, 8:15 p.m. One of the most entertaining Monday Night Football games I’ve ever seen in my life, ugly at times, but never bad. I like ‘About Schmidt’ more than most people, but Kathy Bates still gets naked in it. Oof.
Anyway the game featured the underperforming Minnesota Vikings featuring 2nd year phenom Adrian Peterson at the New Orlean Saints featuring the underperforming but Heisman Trophy 3rd year Reggie Bush. The Saints have poor defense, and I expected Adrian to run all through the Saints. He didn’t. He had a shitty game. There was no Minnesota offense, and yet Minnesota took a 20-10 first half lead because they (a) blocked a field goal and ran it back for a touchdown, blindsided Saints QB Drew Brees with a blistering hit that gave the Vikings 1st and goal, which they somehow converted by having their running back throw a dying fart into the end zone for another touchdown. Reggie never really got running either, but in the second half he ran back two different punts for touchdowns. It was fucking incredible. The Vikings pulled it out but not before a couple lead changes, some great throws by Brees, and some of the most brutal hits by the Vikings defense. Awesome game.
Oh, and it featured Gus Frerotte as starting QB for the Vikings, and as the ESPN crew were nice enough to point out, Gus Frerotte is the guy who sprinted into a stadium wall helmet first and gave himself a brainjob. The clip is nowhere on the Internet, but ESPN showed it — he headbutts the wall, turns around and his eyes roll back in his head.
Finally, it featured head referee Ed Hochuli, who cost the San Diego Chargers a week 2 game with a terrible call (for which he apologized publicly) and who called another blundering game Monday. When he announces penalties, he overexplains it to the point where he sounds like he’s lying to his mother. The fans booed him whether he was getting calls right or not. Put this guy on suicide watch.
Oh, and I DVR’d “Heroes”. Hayden, do you need a babysitter?
Sunday Night: The only really entertaining televised game available Sunday was the Jaguars/Steelers game, as the Giants rolled and real Bengal tigers didn’t go to Texas Stadium and mangle the Cowboys–the stupid Cincinnati football team showed up and lost. Ben Roethlisberger looks like Will Ferrell in a stupid football movie in a stupid city like Pittsburgh, but the Steelers have beat two tough teams in a row. Weird team.
Anyway, the memorable thing about the broadcast is that John Madden and Al Michaels were discussing the Jaguars offense, and out of nowhere:
John Madden (sounding drunk and naked): “I was at the Jaguars practice this week and (quarterback) David Garrard has the biggest calves of any quarterback in the league!”
Al Michaels: …uh, what?
John Madden: It’s true! If you look around the league you’re not going to see another quarterback with stronger calves than David Garrard.
And they show a clip! They zoom in on a still photo of Garrard’s leg to show a close-up of his calf, while Madden feverishly continued to make his case. I sat in complete shock and lack of oxygen. I didn’t dare breathe. And I don’t know if I dreamed it, but I’m pretty sure Madden circled the calf with that digital pen of his.
SUNDAY AFTERNOON: The Giants destroyed Seattle, and Hernandez destroyed me in the picks. I went 6-8. He…oh wait, he went 6-8 too! It was one of those weeks. So the score for the year is Hernandez still edging me 43-31 to 42-32.
SUNDAY MORNING: I don’t know if he’s written about it, but as far as English Premiere League soccer goes, Hernandez roots for Manchester City. It’s widely that Manchester United are the New Yankees of the EPL, so Hernandez reasons that Manchester City are the lovely underdogs like the…Mets, I guess? Well, Manchester City just spent a lot of money on a showy Brazilian superstar named Robinho who’s supposed to lead them to victory. And on Sunday morning, they took a surprising 2-0 lead on my beloved Liverpool team.
Well, in the end, it looks like Manchester City is also gonna nead Batmanho. Liverpool pulled off an amazing comeback and took the match 3-2, and are in a close 2nd place in the League. Unfortunately they lost their stellar center defender Martin Skrtel, who is fantastic and one of the most menacing players I’ve ever seen. He’s gone for the next three months, so this may not be the Liverpool year. But for now, I gloat.
SATURDAY: With Elton John’s blessing, I fought all night.
FRIDAY: I read on that Lehman Brothers CEO Dick Fuld went to the gym after Lehman folded, and some gym rat punched his fucking lights out after the announcement was made. Let’s call that boxing news and add a fuck yeah! I just wish you had gone to middle school 30 years later. the name jokes would’ve driven you to tears every day.
Be back soon with the picks.
I'm Keith Hernandez! 
