Pete Roselle’s legacy is that the NFL has finally succeeded in establishing parity throughout the league, where virtually every team is a couple of plays away from winning or losing each week. As a fan I love it because it makes every game so unpredictable. But for that same reason, from a picks standpoint it sucks David Banner’s balls. Or maybe the Incredible Hulk’s. Whatever you’re into, you perverted superhero fuckers.
So with all due respect to my compadre Keith (And by “All due respect” I obviously mean “You don’t know what you’re talking about”) my feeling is we really DON’T have a sense of which teams are good, bad or irritatingly inconsistent, especially in Week 6. Except the Giants. Those guys are fucking good. Oh, and St. Louis. Those guys are fucking bad.
I’ll be very straightforward right off the top; I like a lot of underdogs this week. A LOT of underdogs. I’m either going to crash and burn or I will be able to proclaim, like Reverend Winton Dupree, “I am King Shit of Fuck Mountain!”
Here now the picks:
JETS (6.5) vs. Bengals
Perfect example. Carson Palmer is out, the Bungles are 0-5, Favre threw 6 TD’s in his last game, and the Jets are coming off a bye week. Doesn’t matter – I still have no confidence in the Jets, who suck. Most likely. Or maybe not. Oh screw it.
SAINTS (7.5) vs. Raiders
Reggie Bush has a better chance of explaining the finer details of the federal bailout package to his boo Kim Kardashian than he does of running back another two punts this week. A 7.5 spread? Come ON!
COLTS (5.5) vs. Ravens
I agree with Keith that the Colts are awful. Baltimore’s two great linebackers, Bart Scott and Terrell Suggs – not that washed up, murdering snitch Ray Lewis – are going to make Eli’s brother wish he was doing anything else except playing football Sunday. Like filming another unfunny commercial.
(Yo Keith, put me down for some Pringles too if this doesn’t pan out.)
BUCCANEERS (2.5) vs. Panthers
Mad props to Keith. “Suckaneers” makes me feel warm and tingly inside. Can’t believe I’ve never heard that one before!
VIKINGS (12.5) vs. Lions
Bears (2.5) vs. FALCONS
Notice a pattern here? Yes geniuses, I’ve picked EVERY underdog so far. And I ain’t stopping here, not when Michael Turner is ready to knock the white right off Brian Urlacher.
Keith’s on the money about Atlanta, btw. Every single little thing about that place sucks. Everything. I’ve only been once, and I’m not going back unless I’m reincarnated as a black record company executive or a white supremacist. (Atlanta’s only saving grace is that it’s still not as bad as Tampa. Holy cockfuckers, that place is hell on earth!)
TEXANS (3.5) vs. Dolphins
Houston may be the best 0-4 team in the history of the NFL, but I’m finally ready to jump on the Cocaine Express to Miami. It’s a helluva drug!
Only problem is it’s a week too late because I pussied out last time around against the Chargers. That one really eats at me because I’m the only person in America who said Miami might be good this year. Yeah, you heard that right – the ONLY person. Don Shula didn’t even believe in them as much as I did. Don Shula is also an old asshole, so maybe that’s not saying much. OK, Dan Marino didn’t believe in Miami either. Wait, does Marino even have a job anymore? I don’t think so, so scratch that. I got it…even that stupid ginzo Nick Buoniconti didn’t think the Dolphins would be competitive this year! What a douchebag homer that guy is. He and Mercury Morris can both eat a dick. Preferably each other’s.
REDSKINS (13.5) vs. Rams
Redskins are vastly, wildly, comically overrated. I’m just not a believer in the Zorn Supremacy. They’ll win, but crazy ass Jim Haslet will have the Rams fired up enough to only lose by 13.
BRONCOS (3.5) vs. Jaguars
Broncos finally played some defense last week. That was a fluke. They revert back to form here. They are who we thought they were!
Eagles (5.5) vs. 49ERS
I’ve been kissing Keith’s ass too much this week, and FINALLY I’ve found something to disagree with. He’s dead wrong about the Eagles when he says they’re an excellent team. They’re average, and Donovan McNabb is a whining pussy.
Cowboys (5.5) vs. CARDINALS
I don’t know about crushing. I’ll settle for covering.
SEAHAWKS (2.5) vs. Packers
Sure, the Packers WERE a fluke last year, but does Keith even realize Hasselback and Deion Branch are injured?
CHARGERS (6.5) vs. Patriots
I’m setting my DVR for this and I expect a good one. But San Diego’s missing something this year.
Giants (7.5) vs. BROWNS
The underdog streak ends here. I think my boys are due for a letdown this week, which means they’ll only win by 3 touchdowns instead of 5.
Continuing the series I started last time about underrated Giants, this week I highlight fullback Madison Hedgecock. Don’t let the upper crust name fool you – this man is a beast. A fucking wrecking ball. He’s like having another offensive lineman on the field. He really doesn’t do anything else besides block, but when you’re as good at that one thing as he is, you don’t have to. Want someone to blow a huge load on some chick’s face? Call Peter North. Same thing with Madison Hedgecock.
So there you have it; I picked every single underdog except the Giants. I didn’t set out to do it, it just happened. And it feels good. Let’s see if I’m feeling the same way Sunday night.