Can’t tell you how happy I am that the NFL season officially starts this Sunday for the Giants. Too bad it took seven weeks to get to this point.
Pro football is exactly like pizza, beer, weed and pussy, in that all of those things are always great even when they’re bad. But the Giants steady diet of lightweights this season has been more like Domino’s, Natural Light, shake and Tori Spelling.
Thankfully my boys step up in quality this week against a worthy opponent. I’ve been saying all along that the Steelers are a little overrated, and I stand by it, but this week I’m willing to kiss their asses because at least they’re a real football team with a real defense and real fans. And you can’t beat Mara vs. Rooney. Also, Omar Epps is their coach, and “Juice” was the shit y’all.
Let’s get this one out of the way first since I’ve been obsessing over it all week…
Steelers (2.5) vs. Giants
I can literally see ANYTHING happening in this game: low scoring, shootout, overtime, blowout. It’s completely unpredictable. This isn’t one of those Good D vs. Good O matchups, or Passing Team vs. Running Team jobs. Both teams have great QB’s, excellent running games and strong defenses, and whichever one unit plays the best will determine how this one goes.
I think the Giants have the better running game, but the Steelers have the better D, so they’re even there. The Steelers are at home, which gives them an edge, but they just lost Santonio Holmes to a marijuana bust, so that might level the playing field. Roethlisberger narrowly cheated death on a motorcycle, but Eli had to grow up as Peyton’s little brother; we’ll call that a wash.
Aaron Ross needs to step it up this week after two straight bad games. David Diehl and Kareem McKenzie have to play well because the Steelers pass rush mostly comes from their outside linebackers. I think both of those guys are solid, but they’re a little weaker than Seubert, Snee and O’Hara in pass protection, so they could be vulnerable there. For some reason I see Ahmad Bradshaw having a big game.
The bottom line in most football games comes down to the lines. In this one, I think the Giants offensive line will handle the Steelers defensive line more than the Steelers offensive line will handle the Giants defensive line. And now I have a headache.
Almost forgot…my unsung Giant of the week is Barry Cofield. It would’ve been Fred Robbins, but he’s finally starting to get the pub he’s been deserving of the last two years, so I’m going with his even more unsung partner in crime. Cofield isn’t spectacular, but he consistently clogs the middle against the run and he gets a good push into the backfield. He’s also started every game since being drafted without fanfare in the fourth round in 2006. You win with glue guys like this. And last week’s “Don’t Tase Me, Bro” sack dance (his title) was the bomb.
Jets (11.5) vs. Chiefs
You have GOT to be kidding me. I know the Chiefs are terrible, I know they don’t have their best player because he assaulted a ho for the fourth time in as many years, and I know the media still gargles Favres cum, but this spread is a joke. Did anyone else watch Jets/Raiders besides Keith and I? Hopefully not because it was some Tori Spelling-quality snatch, but it proved the Jets are going nowhere fast. They’re just not as talented as they get credit for, and now it looks like St. Brett’s arm might be a little banged up. Poor, lying snitch.
Ravens (6.5) vs. Raiders
Ravens are so up and down, but I just can’t take JaMarcus Russell on the road against that defense. And I’m rooting for Baltimore because Keith and I are going to Ravens/Giants in a few weeks and I’d like to see two teams with something to play for.
Chargers (3.5) vs. Saints
I can’t believe UK officials are going to let this game happen after that nearly unwatchable sludgefest between the Giants and Dolphins in London last year. Hopefully the weather is better this time around. If the NFL was smart it would hold its overseas game in Germany, the only European country to show any interest in American football. But sending that many black dudes to Germany may incite a race riot, so maybe they know what they’re doing. As long as Philip Rivers gets lost somewhere over the Atlantic Ocean it’s all good.
Bills (1.5) vs. Dolphins
Wildcat THIS motherfuckers.
Buccaneers (4.5) vs. Cowboys
Two of the worst cities, teams, coaches and fanbases in the world. Die, all of you.
Eagles (8.5) vs. Falcons
The Eagles lose in the afternoon and the Phillies lose Game 4 that same night. A boy can dream, right?
Patriots (7.5) vs. Rams
Sure, the Patriots are just as likely to stink the joint out as they are to blow someone out, but there is no fucking way in hell the Rams are beating the Redskins, Cowboys and Patriots in a row.
Panthers (4.5) vs. Cardinals
Both these teams are intriguing, and I can see it going either way. THIS is why I don’t put money on sports. To quote my favorite Mr. Sparkle pick from last week, “More Panthers than Cardinals!”
Redskins (7.5) vs. Lions
Easy money, like Billy Joel and Rodney Dangerfield.
Jaguars (6.5) vs. Browns
Are the Jags ready to make their move?
49ers (4.5) vs. Seahawks
San Francisco sucks, and I actually think this one is an easy call. That’s how bad Seattle is.
Texans (10.5) vs. Bengals
A two-win team favored by 10.5? Nonsense. Don’t start with that “But Carson Palmer isn’t playing!” bullshit either. Cincy has been in most of their games, and they’ll cover this week.
Titans (3.5) vs. Colts
Really looking forward to this game. If the Titans win it pretty much officially signals the changing of the guard in the AFC. If the Colts win it’ll be a huge upset, and who doesn’t like upsets? Either way we win. And the funny thing is, I don’t actually WANT the Colts to go away just yet. They’re too much fun to watch and to root against. I definitely think they’re old, injured and mediocre this year, but I can see Peyton pulling one out of his clenched white ass and stealing it at the end.
Happy football everyone! If you don’t watch Giants/Steelers you’re a huge pussy.