Keith’s picks, Week 8

For posterity. This is Hernandez’s bag. Let’s hope that Hernandez eventually finds a couple of pink diamonds, yellow moons and Mexican testicles in a box of Lucky Charms soon, ‘cos he should be making money on all of this.

Anyway, my picks:

Steelers (2.5) vs. Giants

Hernandez wrote a lot of journalistic horseshit about football. I agree with some of it–Aaron Ross and the Giants secondary has to wake up, but the Steelers offensive line has been very uneven. I’m not counting on Eli to lead the Giants to victory, but I am expecting Fred Robbins, Barry Cofield, Antonio Pierce and Justin Tuck to get into a menage a cinq with Big Ben.

Sometime tomorrow, I’m going to call my 6-year-old niece and read her that last sentence. I’ll report back on what she says.

PICK: GIANTS
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Jets (11.5) vs. Chiefs

Yes, Hernandez, I watched the Jets/Raiders game. I also watched the Jets put 50+ points on the Arizona Cardinals this year. The Chiefs are *the* worst team in the NFL, and your mancrush Herm Edwards is not going to disappoint the 2-3000 Jets fans who still love him.

PICK: JETS

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Ravens (6.5) vs. Raiders

Hernandez took the Ravens, and I am too. I hate both of these teams with a passion. If they met in a gang fight circa 1982 ‘Beat It’, neither of these franchises would exist.

I mainly dislike the Ravens because of ‘The Wire’. Love that show. And has a show ever made a city look worse than ‘The Wire’?

PICK: RAVENS
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Chargers (3.5) vs. Saints

Hernandez is right–this UK crap is a waste of time. And any ‘football’ fan who shows up at this goofy London exhibition is a jackass because Chelsea is playing my beloved Liverpool a few hours earlier.

New Orleans was founded by the French. They’ll blanche and poisson in front of the English crowd.

PICK: CHARGERS
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Bills (1.5) vs. Dolphins

Hernandez and I have been riding the Bills pretty heavy, but I’m jumping off the train. They’re not that great. Yes, they’re 5-1, but they haven’t put a game away in a long time. I expect the Dolphins to knock them on their ass.

PICK: DOLPHINS
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Buccaneers (4.5) vs. Cowboys

As Giants fans, Hernandez and I love to see the Cowboys lose. At the same time, just talking about the team is a puke prayer. It’s not enough to watch this team lose. I wish that ‘Dazed and Confused’ would merge with reality, and O’Bannon would spank the spunk out of the Cowboys after they lose this game.

I’d also bet every dollar in the bank that Jessica Simpson will dump Tony Romo before he dumps her. He’s about to become a nothing.

PICK: BUCCANEERS
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Eagles (8.5) vs. Falcons

The Eagles historically do very well after a bye week, but Matt Ryan, the rookie QB for Atlanta, is slaying and baking ass at 350 degrees, and pulling game from the other oven like they do on cooking shows.

PICK: FALCONS
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Patriots (7.5) vs. Rams

Rams. Bet your life on it.

PICK: RAMS.
———————–
Panthers (4.5) vs. Cardinals

Hernandex picked the Panthers. Whatever game this team is involved in, I lose. Carolina hates me.

I’m picking the Cardinals. They’re the Alex P. Keaton of the NFL. They will prove.

PICK: CARDINALS
———————–
Redskins (7.5) vs. Lions

PICK: REDSKINS. The Lions are butt cotton candy at this point.

———————-
Jaguars (6.5) vs. Browns

The Jags haven’t won a game by more than 7 points. And their defense has fallen apart. Does rooting for an Ohio team get me off the hook for giving money to homeless people?

PICK: BROWNS
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49ers (4.5) vs. Seahawks

I’d rather slit my wrists like pregnant tuna than watch this game. Seattle is ravaged by injury, and their one hope, QB Matt Hasselback is sitting this week. Meanwhile, San Fran fired their coach this week.

This could be the ugliest game ever.

PICK: SEAHAWKS (before I learned Hasselback was out)
———————
Texans (10.5) vs. Bengals

Hernandez. Oye como va.

Pick: BENGALS
——————–
Titans (3.5) vs. Colts

This is going to be an incredible football game. If you hate whiskey and football and Indianapolis,l throw that shit to the curb — this is going to be better than the best fight sex you’ve ever had.

Hernandez picked the Colts. Ha! The Titans haven’t been on National TV for 4 years (maybe 3 — I’m making it up at this point) and they’re going to win. The Colts are useless.

PICK : TITANS

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