Monthly Archives: November 2008

Hernandez Thanksgiving Picks Pt. 2

I went 2-1 on Thanksgiving, while Keith went 0-0. What’s up with that? He didn’t even HAVE a Thanksgiving, as far as I know, so make the damn picks! Did the awful triumvirate of games Thursday finally kill him once and for all? I can’t say I’d be shocked – thems were some stinking shitpiles. Hopefully tomorrow makes up for it.

Giants (3.5) at Redskins

I’m thankful for Jerry Reese, and Ernie Accorsi before him, for putting this powerhouse together. I’m also thankful Plaxico Burress didn’t accidentally kill himself at that club, because having to pretend that he was a good guy and we miss him would’ve been a real stretch.

Pick: Giants

Underrated Giant of the Week: Linebacker Danny Clark. Doesn’t make big plays, but he’s reliable and makes a lot more tackles than you realize. A nice, nondescript fit in this defense, and I mean that in the best way. But about that name, Danny! It took me until Week 5 before I realized you weren’t white. Let’s black it up a little, ok?

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Dolphins (7.5) at Rams

I’m thankful the Dolphins get to play the Rams this week because I really, REALLY don’t want the Jets to run away with the AFC East.

I’m also thankful the Rams suck because, well, they’re a St. Louis team, and everything about St. Louis sucks. Sorry Keith!

Pick: Dolphins

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Ravens (7) at Bengals

I’m thankful I’m not from Maryland or Ohio.

Pick: Ravens

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49ers at Bills (7)

I’m doubly thankful I’m not from Buffalo. Holy cock pizza!

Pick: 49ers

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Saints at Bucs (3.5)

I’m thankful Jeremy Shockey is now poisoning the Saints instead of the Giants.

I’m also incredibly thankful I’m not not from Tampa Bay. I have family there, and I vow to never visit them again. Twice was way more than enough. The only caveat is if the Giants make it to the Super Bowl in Tampa this year, then I’ll make amends and pretend we’re closer than close so I can stay with them for free when I go there to cover the game.

(Interesting factoid: The Giants have appeared in the last two Super Bowls held in Tampa, a win against the Bills in 1990 and a loss against the Ravens in 2000. Be afraid, NFL.)

Pick: Bucs

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Colts (4.5) at Browns

I’m thankful for Peyton Manning, because as annoying as he can be – and he’s REALLY fucking annoying sometimes – great quarterbacks are rare, and the league needs more players like him.

Pick: Colts

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Panthers at Packers (3)

I’m thankful to be going to that Giants/Panthers game in a few weeks, because what looked like a name drawn out of a hat when I bought the tickets before the season started is now looking like a pretty huge game. Score one for me.

Pick: Panthers

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Falcons at Chargers (5.5)

I’m thankful people keep underrating the Falcons and overrating the Chargers, because it makes picks like this so easy.

Pick: Falcons

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Broncos at Jets (8)

I’m thankful I’m not a Jets fan, because then I’d have to kill myself.

Pick: Broncos

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Steelers at Pats (1)

I’m thankful I’m not a Pittsburgh fan because I don’t have to fool myself into thinking my team is a contender, even though I know our offensive line can’t protect the QB, Ben is throwing the ball to the other jerseys at an alarming rate, and Fast Willie Parker, despite the cool nickname, actually sucks.

Pick: Pats

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Chiefs at Raiders (3)

I’m thankful I don’t have to watch this game.

Pick: Chiefs

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Bears at Vikings (3)

I’m thankful I’m not Adrian Peterson, because that means I don’t have to worry about being pounded into submission every week because my opponents know our passing game blows and the only way we can win is if I run for 150+ yards.

Pick: Vikings

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Jags at Texans (3.5)

I’m thankful I don’t bet money on the NFL, because games like this would make me go broke.

Pick: Jags

Hernandez Thanksgiving Picks

Thanksgiving is the greatest holiday. There’s no pressure to buy presents like there is at Christmas, and all you’re required to do is eat and drink to excess and watch football. The misogynist history of this great country is well evidenced by the Thanksgiving tradition. I fucking love it.

Well, I actually love it a little less now because my crazy, foreign-born family doesn’t believe in watching football OR drinking. That means I either have to fight the kiddies to put the games on myself, or watch them later on DVR, as I intend to do tonight. I’ll do it because I’m a real fan, but I’m not excited about these matchups. The only potential must-see is Philly/Arizona, but that’s an NFL Network exclusive. Some fucking thanks that is. All I can hope for is that the two afternoon games are unexpectedly close. I don’t have high hopes.

Titans (11) vs LIONS

Completely unoriginal thought of the day: Having to watch the Lions every year on Thanksgiving is a travesty. I’m all for tradition, but this is brutal. They shouldn’t be allowed back on national TV until they have a winning record. It’s been a long time since they were any good, and even then they weren’t true contenders. The only reason to watch was Barry Sanders, who was spectacular. I miss that guy.

I do have one great memory of a Thanksgiving Day game in Detroit in 1982 when Lawrence Taylor intercepted a pass and returned it 97 yards for the winning TD. It was one of LT’s signature moments and I remember my whole family whooping it up when it happened. CBS will probably show that replay sometime during today’s broadcast. If they don’t they’re pussies.

Pick: Titans

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Seahawks vs COWBOYS (12.5)

Seattle is truly terrible, and I hate the Cowboys more than almost anything else in the world. This game is going to suck because Dallas is going to win by three scores and the announcers are going to cream themselves over Tony Homo and how “he’s back!” I dread this.

Pick: Cowboys

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Cardinals vs EAGLES (3)

It seems the media has finally caught on that Andy Reid is a bad coach and Donovan McNabb is an inconsistent choker. I’m proud to say that Keith and I have been on that for a long time. Either or both of them have to go after this season because they’re run their course in Philly. The Eagles window of opportunity to win a championship with this group shut when McNabb puked in the Super Bowl, but management has been too stubborn or stupid to admit it. It’s time to cut bait.

Also, tell me again why the Eagles are favored in this game? They were also favored against the Giants and Ravens the last two weeks and they got stomped in both games. This line is absurd. Arizona is a good team, and Warner is going to throw for 400 yards tonight in an outright win.

Pick: Cardinals

I’ll have the rest of my weekend picks sometime before Sunday. Happy Thanksgiving!

Hernandez’s Giants Themed Week 12 Picks, And A Request

Keith couldn’t have been more right about last week’s IKH outing at Giants Stadium. It was incredible. More on that in a minute. But first, I’d like to address the issue of the weekly NFL picks. Keith’s correct that the Thursday night games have made it harder on both of us, and he even suggested privately that we stop doing the picks. To that I say “Hell to tha no!” There ain’t no quitters here. We’ve come this far, and I like doing them, even when it’s a pain in the ass finding time to post, so I’m going to keep at it.

The key here is to play on my partners hyper-competitiveness. We don’t have any stakes in these picks, and when he brought it up during our tailgate I was so fucked up that I blew him off completely. Sorry mate. But having meaningful stakes might help, so I’m asking you – the readers – to come up with something to play for. I’m dead serious about this. Just put it in the comments, even anonymously. Fuck, I don’t care if Keith himself posts something. He should be feeling good about this anyway seeing as how he’s leading the season series 84-75 to my 82-78. (Yes, I realize this doesn’t add up. Keith forgot to make a pick for Minnesota/Tampa last week. Send it in and I’ll update the stats. He did, and now his record is 84-76.) Anyway, I hope you guys don’t let me down. On to the picks…

STEELERS (10.5) vs Bengals

I saw the Giants beat the Bengals in overtime in Week 3. Technically it was a better game than Giants/Ravens, but last week was a much, MUCH better experience. For one, I was with Keith. For two, the Ravens are a better opponent than the Bengals, so it was more meaningful to kick their ass. For three, I was fuuuuucked up. I thought I had a perfect buzz until the guy next to us asked me where Brandon Jacobs went to college. All I remember telling him was, “Nvaidnd984etj;jkfaiuasdslfda9.” It may have even been less coherent than that. But it didn’t ruin the experience. It actually made it more interesting.

Pick: Steelers

And I made it before the Thursday night game.

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Giants (3.5) vs CARDINALS

The name of the sandwich place is Cangiano’s, and their main location is on Staten Island, so you know their food rules. It’s the kind of place where when two local women in traditional Arab headdress walk in, the guy behind the counter slicing your meat might say, “Here comes fuckin’ Al Qaeda again.” True story.

Pick: Giants

Like you’d ever guess otherwise?

Underrated Giant of the Week: Kareem McKenzie. The Giants amazing offensive line is finally getting the credit it has long deserved. But a disturbing pattern has emerged. It seems the four white offensive linemen are getting the credit, while the only brother on the line is mysteriously left out whenever the accolades are thrown around. Shit, he had to get a DUI last week to even get noticed, and he STILL wasn’t benched or reprimanded. I guess when you’re a black man playing a white man’s position, you still get the shaft. Dang.

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TITANS (5.5) vs Jets

I didn’t actually have a Ron Dayne jersey story. The entire story is that Keith asked me what’s the funniest jersey I’ve ever seen at a Giants game, and I responded “Ron Dayne.” Like I said, we were both hitting the sauce pretty hard.

Pick: Titans

I vowed to pick against the Titans until they lose, but I hate the Jets so much that I won’t ever pick them. Also, the Jets were the Titans before Tennessee, so I’m technically still picking against “The Titans” this week. Did I just blow your mind? You’re welcome.

I think the Jets should wear their throwback NY Titans jerseys again this week just to fuck with everyone. If Dick Enberg calls the game he might have an embolism. What’s that you say – he already did years ago? Well alright then.

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BROWNS (3.5) vs Texans

The first Giants game I ever went to was in 1985. Father Sheehan, the pastor of my family’s parish, was a longtime Giants season ticket holder who used to make the congregation pray for the Giants at the end of every mass. This is also a true story. He got enough complaints from Jets fans that he started including them in the prayer too, but you could tell his heart wasn’t in it. Anyway, one day at the end of mass he said from the pulpit, “I have an unexpected emergency and I won’t be able to use my Giants tickets today. The first person to ask for them after mass can have them.” Needless to say, my father knocked down a couple of old ladies on the way to taking his boys to their first Giants game. Love ya pop. Anyway, the Giants lost to Cleveland on a last second FG, but it was a great game, and I got to see LT, Harry Carson, Carl Banks, Simms, Bavaro, Joe Morris and the rest. Wish I still had the ticket stub.

Pick: Browns

Brady Quinn is gayer than I even imagined. He’s also a better QB than I thought.

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Bills (3.5) vs CHIEFS

I saw a reference to Y.A. Tittle somewhere this week, and it reminded me that he was an honorary Giants captain for the coin toss on Sunday. I don’t remember actually seeing him with my own eyes, but I’m pretty sure they announced it on the PA. Or did I imagine that? If I did I don’t want to know.

Pick: Chiefs

Phenomenal choke job by Buffalo on MNF. All I can add is, Scott Norwood! Wide right!!! (I LOVE the fact that the Wide Right game happened in the Super Bowl against my Giants; to this day the second greatest football game I’ve ever seen, behind only last year’s Super Bowl against New England.) Lighten up Bills fans, it’s not like your team is moving to Toronto in a few years. Oh, wait.

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DOLPHINS (2.5) vs Patriots

Being a smoker added a whole other level of fun to last week’s game, because it gave us a chance to hang out on the entrance/exit ramps and interact with our fellow fans. And boy was that worth it! I actually placed a phone call for some guy named, I believe, Shannon Duffy, and even had a brief conversation with his friend. I’ve never felt more like white trash, and I loved it.

Pick: Dolphins

The guess here is that the Pats will stay out too late in South Beach doing blow and fucking models. At least I HOPE that’s what they’re doing down there. I’m sure Brady can hook them up with some skeezers. And a trannie for Cassel.

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COWBOYS (11.5) vs 49ers

The walk through the tunnel from the parking garage to the stadium was amazing. The atmosphere of anticipation is unreal. It’s a pretty decent walk, and when we could finally see the light and the stadium at the end of the tunnel, Keith said something like, “That’s the greatest sight I’ve ever seen.” I was pretty fired up by that.

Pick: Cowboys

Charles Haley was a star defensive end for both the Cowboys and the 49ers. Even if that means nothing to you, PLEASE follow this link, and this one, especially if you’re one of those nancy boys who doesn’t like sports but reads this site for the dick jokes.

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Buccaneers (8.5) vs LIONS

Mad props to Keith for DJing on the ride home after the game. A great selection of tunes, including the appropriately-themed “Wished I Was A Giant,” as well as his incredible cover of Olivia Newton-John’s “Magic.” I need that one on my iPod.

Pick: Buccaneers

I wasn’t so sure a few weeks ago, but now I’m starting to think the Lions can actually go winless this season. I’ve got nothing against Detroit, but that’d be so awesome.

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RAVENS (1.5) vs Eagles

I’ve only been to one Giants game on the road, and it was at the old Vet before they tore it down. THAT was an experience! Last game of the season, 4:00 start in Philly with a gametime temperature of about 12 degrees. It was the coldest I’ve ever been, and the Giants lost a heartbreaker in the last minute of a back-and-forth game that kept them out of the playoffs, but I wouldn’t have traded it for the world.

Pick: Eagles

I was going to post this even before Simmons put it in his column this week, so fuck him. On Inside the NFL this week Warren Sapp said Donovan McNabb’s legacy will be, “Throwing up in the Super Bowl, Rush Limbaugh, and not knowing there wasn’t a second OT period.” Hysterical.

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Bears (8.5) vs RAMS

The guy sitting behind us that Keith mentioned in his post definitely was intelligent and entertaining. If only I could remember a single thing he said. Sensing a theme here?

Pick: Bears

Might be too much of a spread, but St. Louis has given up.

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JAGUARS (2.5) Vikings

Before the game Keith brought up the infamous incident where current Vikings and then Redskins QB Gus Frerotte gave himself a concussion when he slammed his head into the endzone wall after scoring a touchdown. I mentioned that the little known story of that 1997 game between the Giants and Redskins is that it ended in a 7-7 tie. Funnily enough, on Sunday the Eagles and Bengals ended in a tie as well. Weird. The 1997 game is still the only tie I can remember seeing in my lifetime. I watched it with a guy who was the original drummer in my band before Keith replaced him. There are a lot of reasons why he’s not my friend anymore, and watching that tie game together is one of them.

Pick: Vikings

Jacksonville’s given up too.

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FALCONS (1.5) vs Panthers

I’m proud to say I went to Eli Manning’s first NFL start ever. I’m not so proud to say he was beaten by the Falcons’ Michael Vick, who I honestly don’t remember completing a pass that day. But he sure ran well. And now he’s being ass raped. Good, he deserves it.

Pick: Panthers

I’m rooting for the Falcons, but they’re still a year away.

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BRONCOS (9.5) vs Raiders

There was a little girl about 8-years-old sitting right in front of Keith and I, and I swear I tried to cut down on the cursing! Didn’t happen. But the dad also didn’t say anything, so we’re straight.

Pick: Broncos

Great rivalry, but I hate both teams.

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Redskins (3.5) vs SEAHAWKS

I’m still trying to get Keith into the Giants/Panthers game on December 21st so we can do it all over again. I hope to hell we can make that happen.

Pick: Redskins

How much must it suck for NFL players to have to fly all that way to Seattle just to beat a shitty team? The travel is bad enough, then you have to deal with the ridiculous fake crowd noise that Mickey Mouse franchise pumps into its stadium to make it seem like their fair weather fans give a shit. Can’t good opponents just phone it in and save themselves the trip?

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CHARGERS (3.5) vs Colts

Keith mentioned how friendly and unified Giants fans are. Sure, a Super Bowl and a 9-1 record will do that to you. But if you had been there for the lean times you’d be singing a much different tune. I was actually at the infamous snowball game where a Chargers assistant coach was knocked unconscious by a snowball thrown by a fan. The accounts in the link above are dead on: it was a madhouse. Truly chaotic. Some douche photographed throwing a snowball on the cover of the Daily News the next day was fired from his job, and the season ticket holder who sold him his seat for the game was stripped of his tickets. Served him right.

Pick: Colts

More Simmons: To his credit, this week he lays out the case for Peyton Manning as the MVP of the league. He makes a very valid argument. And this is why I will defend him to the death. Unless he goes another week without a podcast. Then it’s war.

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SAINTS (2.5) vs Packers

I was also at the New Orleans “home” game at Giants Stadium the week after Hurricane Katrina. Surreal seeing the Saints logo painted in both endzones, and that was a very rowdy crowd too. The tickets only went on sale a week before the game, and the theory is none of the Giants regulars purchased tickets, so most of the crowd was at their first game or just there to party on a Monday night. The number of fights was in the double digits, my dad had a beer dumped on him from the upper deck, and my brother was cursed out by a family from New Orleans after he told them he was pulling for their city to recover. Just a horrible vibe.

Pick: Packers

This game probably looked better when they drew up the schedule.

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Jets/Titans, Giants/Cardinals, Dolphins/Patriots, Chargers/Colts – Happy Football everyone!

Keith’s week 12 picks

George Brett of the Kansas City Royals is a fantastic athlete. He almost hit .400 in 1980, something that hasn’t been done since Ted Williams did it in 1941. He led the Royals to 2 World Series, stealing one of them from my beloved Cardinals. He was a good-lookin stud, too. My mother sat back-to-back with him at a BBQ restaurant in Kansas City and was clearly smitten.

I was a big fan of his because of his perfect swing, his chase for .400, and the fact that my grandparents lived in Kansas City. I didn’t realize you only got one team when I was 8, so I rooted for the A’s, the Giants, and the Royals because my grandparents lived there, and St. Louis because I was born there. This was before 1982 when I became a Cardinals fan for life.

Well now that I’ve seen the below video, he is truly locked in the pantheon as one of my favorite athletes of all time. NSFW.

Onto the picks for Week 12.

The problem with the Thursday night games is twofold. One, as Hernandez and I discussed earlier this year, is that Time Warner doesn’t carry the NFL Network, so I can’t watch it at home. Two, we have less time to put any real thought into our picks.

STEELERS (10.5) vs. Bengals

I hate the Steelers.

PICK: BENGALS
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CARDINALS vs. Giants (3.5)

I always pick the Giants.

PICK: GIANTS
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TITANS (5.5) vs. Jets

I hate the Jets.

PICK: TITANS
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BROWNS (3.5) vs. Texans

The Texans are the little team that could, which makes no sense because being in Houston they should have a powerhouse team. They grow ’em fat down thar! They’re not very good, but there should be very little defense in this game, so I think this one could go down to a game-ending field goal, in which case the Texans cover.

PICK : TEXANS
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CHIEFS vs. Bills (3.5)

Ouch. The Bills have been slapped around the last three weeks by Miami, Jets and Cleveland (I think–I fell asleep before the game ended). If they can’t rebound against the terrible, terrible Chiefs than I give up on them.

PICK: BILLS
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DOLPHINS (2.5) vs. Patriots

I can’t believe I’m picking the Dolphins.

PICK: DOLPHINS
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COWBOYS (11.5) vs. 49ers

The Cowboys are back! Ha-ha. I wouldn’t pick the Cowboys if I dropped them down the front of Eva Mendes’ shirt and she told me I could go looking for them.

PICK: 49ERS
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LIONS vs. Buccaneers (8.5)

The Lions are a poor, poor team. But the Bucs don’t score much. Except for QB Jeff Gaycia.

PICK: LIONS
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RAVENS (1.5) vs. Eagles

The Giants put up a lot of points on the Ravens last week, but they did most of the damage with their running game. I see the Ravens bouncing back.

PICK: RAVENS
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RAMS vs. Bears (8.5)

Kyle Orton’s back! The Rams are awful.

PICK: BEARS
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JAGS (2.5) vs. Vikings

I’m fuckin’ doing it again. I told myself I wouldn’t pick the Vikings, but all they have to do is give Adrian Peterson the ball and they win.

PICK: VIKINGS
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FALCONS (1.5) vs. Panthers

This is a kickass showdown. I can’t believe I’m saying that about a Falcons game. I may head to the (holds nose) sports bar in my ‘hood to watch this. I’m rooting for the Falcons. Carolina’s not a real place.

PICK: FALCONS
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BRONCOS (9.5) vs. Raiders

Spread too big.

PICK: RAIDERS
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SEAHAWKS vs. Redskins (3.5)

It sucks to go to the West Coast, and Seattle has a boisterous crowd, but the Redskins need this one. Did anyone see the fake NY Times that came out this month? There was a sports story about the Redskins changing their name. What’s the point of wiping out an entire race of people if we can’t racially denigrate them through our sports and entertainment outlets?

PICK: REDSKINS
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CHARGERS (3.5) vs. Colts

I hate myself for loving football. Both of these teams are underachieving and pretty annoying.

PICK: CHARGERS
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SAINTS (2.5) vs. Packers

I love to watch Drew Brees play, but the Packers are a dangerous team. I sense a Monday night spanking.

PICK: Packers

My first NFL Game (or how I spent my summer vacation)

Wow. What a sensory overload. After 14 years in New York, Hernandez graciously invited me to my first New York Giants game.

No question, I’m a fair-weather, newborn fan. The kind of fan that would get his ass cracked in the bathroom if they knew I wasn’t the real deal. Which, come to think of it, they should’ve realized when they saw the St. Louis Cardinals cap.

Doesn’t matter. New York Giants fans are ecstatic, excited, friendly, and unified. After pulling off the most thrilling Super Bowl upset of all time, the Giants are largely considered the best team in the NFL. They’re fired up for games, playing well at both ends, playing for their coach who was controversial a year ago.

That’s all logical guessing. Truth is, I was gettin fucked up in a Meadowlands parking garage with Hernandez. I’d like to plug the sandwich place he picked up our pre-gametime sandwiches at, but I forget the name. I’d like to plug the beer that got me drunk but it was Coors Light, and chugging six of anything will make you lightheaded. (Hear that, brady bunch?)

Hernandez has been a lifetime Giants fan and regaled me with tales of three generations of Giants fans pissing on the same concrete wall in the same parking garage we tailgated in. We had a spirited conversation about the best fan jersey he’d seen, and I can’t believe I remember this (I have a shitty memory) but he told me an amazing Ron Dayne jersey story. Ron Dayne ran for the Giants in a decade past. Uh, come to think of it, could you tell the story again Hernandez?

The game was incredible. *Incredible*. The energy spouting from the field consumes the fans. I know NFL football as a game that lasts 3 hours plus but only features 15 minutes of action, and figured there’d be a lot of standing around. Not at all.

The main distraction is the fans. I’ve been to hundreds of sporting events, and there are always true fanatics, fueled by allegiance and community and history, and probably a fair amount of $8 Natural Lights. But the people around us were legitimately thrilled. A guy standing behind me with his 10-year old son gave commentary that was always earnest, always well-informed, almost always on target, and usually hilarious — better than any commentator working on Fox or CBS this year.

Further than that was the Giants themselves. For the random game that Hernandez invited me to, the Giants proved they are the best team in the NFL. This is not some economic thing where the Giants are the Yankees and can buy the best team money can buy–they are the same team they were last year. Only worse. They’ve lost Strahan and Umenyiora, the anchors of their pass rush. They’ve lost media beast Jeremy Shockey, who was a hard-ass blocker and receiver and was able to deflect a lot of media coverage off Eli.

No matter anymore. Strahan is gone. Umenyiora has been out all season. Jeremy Shockey is a Saint (and injured). And Eli is not the quarterback he’s ever been in New Jersey. He’s confident. He makes mistakes, he makes passes, but foremost the Giants fans believe in him.

And the Giants are the best team in the NFL. I got to see them.

Keith’s Week 11 picks

I got nothin’ people. These Thursday night games are killing my creativity–which means I’m going blue.

I was getting drinks with my coworkers, who are some fuckin’ hilarious people. Tonight one of them asked a very poignant question. If you had a clone, would you let him suck your cock? My answer was no, but I’d watch him jerk off so I could improve my technique.

PATRIOTS (3.5) vs. Jets

Brett Favre has thrown 9,000 interceptions. When Peter King sucks his cock, Brett misses his face with the moneyshot by a good 18-24 inches.

Pick: Patriots

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GIANTS (6.5) vs. Ravens

My first NFL football game ever. I don’t care who the logical pick is. It’s all Giants.

Pick: Giants

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FALCONS (5.5) vs. Broncos

This game should be like 38-30. Very high-scoring. I don’t give a fuck, I’ll be at Giants Stadium, plowing through beers.

Pick: Falcons

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DOLPHINS (10.5) vs. Raiders

The Raiders aren’t that good, but I believe the Dolphins are soft. All that South Beach livin’. I expect this game to end with Chad Pennington’s scrotum and rectum changing places.

Pick: Raiders

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COLTS (8.5) vs. Texans

Texans starting QB Matt Schaub is still injured, I heard a couple days ago. I attribute the Colts weak start to Peyton Manning’s off-to-preseason injury (too lazy to look it up), but he’s back. If ‘Peace Frog’ were about Indianapolis, I’d say “There’s blood on the streets in Indianapolis.”

Pick: Colts

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Titans (3.5) vs. JAGUARS

Tennessee has gotta lose at some point. If sports proves anything it’s that great teams rise to the occasion but underachieve against bad teams. This is my upset special. You read it here first. God, I’m a fucking idiot.

Pick: Jaguars

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PACKERS (1.5) vs. Bears

Ooh now I can use it. Blood on the streets in the town of Chicago…

Pick: Packers

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Eagles (8.5) vs. BENGALS

Pick: Eagles. I may lose this thing, but I will never pick a team from Ohio. Even though they both won last week.

Pick: Eagles

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Saints (4.5) vs. CHIEFS

Exhibit MCLXXIIII in the defense against those who think the NFL is the greatest sport in the frickin’ world. When Herm Edwards hangs himself after this season, I hope he went the Michael Hutchence way and busted a nut beforehand.

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PANTHERS (13.5) vs. Lions

Whatever. Vagina farts and shit dolls.

PICK: Lions

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49ERS (5.5) vs. Rams

So inconsequential. I’d rather go bobbing for corpses in the Gowanus canal than watch this. I’d rather eat snail cum out of a monkey’s prolapsed asshole. I’d rather watch “2 Girls 1 Cup” while eating homeless diarrhea than watch this game.

PICK: Rams
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Cardinals (3.5) vs. SEAHAWKS

Let me say I hate the NFL since it went to 32 teams with four teams in a division. Where a game between two forsaken teams could possibly have playoff implications drives me into a meth-fueled stutter.

Seattle has melted popsicles for cocks, and Arizona is the next Waco. Isn’t that why Dave Murrow moved there?

PICK: Cardinals
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STEELERS (3.5) vs. Chargers

The Steelers are the much better team, and the spread is low. But if I have to see Steelers receiver Hines Ward smile one more time, I’m going to skin his kids and wallpaper my asshole.

PICK: Chargers
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Cowboys (2.5) vs. REDSKINS

Finally! A game where it’s completely acceptable for a Giants fan to root for injuries. If the Redskins weren’t doing so well, I’d be pulling for them to decimate Dallas, but they’re ahead. So I have to pull for Dallas, which makes me the miserable fuck I am. Believe me, I want to see the Redskins make cock pizza out of Dallas, but the best outcome for the Giants is for Tony Romo to litter the Redskins defense with his sharecropper Mountain Dewchebag cancer-infested urine.

Note: This spread is wrong, the Redskins are actually favored. Which makes a Cowboys victory under this spread much worse. But I believe in the cancer urine.

PICK: Cowboys

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BILLS (4.5) vs. Browns

Buffalo vs. Cleveland. #2 and #3 of the cities I would consider hell. (Detroit is #1.)

Imagine Buffalo as a leper dockworker, and Cleveland as a fat hooker. Buffalo is going to screw Cleveland till its dick literally falls off, covered in leeches and chewing tobacco tea. Cleveland is about to douse itself in bukkake export for a dozen donuts. 9 of them are advertised as jelly but (head shakes slowly) are not.

PICK: Bills

Week 11 Picks – Hernandez

It’s getting tighter than an altar boys asshole, both in the IKH picks race and in the actual playoff race. This is a big week in the NFL, as they all will be from here on out as the postseason gets closer. There are a handful of good matchups, starting with the Thursday night showcase.

PATRIOTS (3.5) vs Jets

The Jets suck. Sure, they’re better than they were last year, but that’s like praising a special ed kid for not pissing his pants. They’re getting marginally better quarterback play, a better rushing attack and MUCH better defense than they did last season, but they can’t escape their history of complete failure and humiliation. Wes Welker torches them in Foxboro and the Pats roll.

Pick: Patriots

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GIANTS (6.5) vs Ravens

I will pussy out for now and just make my pick, but I promise to write a separate post previewing the game sometime before Sunday’s apocalypse.

Pick: Giants

Underrated Giant of the Week: Amani Toomer. How can the guy who holds the franchise’s all-time records for receptions and yards be underrated? Because he continues to bring it every week even after he’s been written off a thousand times. Sometimes Eli forgets to look for him, but when he does, he’s open. And he always makes the catch.

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FALCONS (5.5) vs Broncos

Have I mentioned the Broncos defense sucks? I thought so.

Pick: Falcons

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DOLPHINS (10.5) vs Raiders

Most Miami games have been close, except for when they blew out New England. But Oakland had their once-a-month decent game last week, and they’re on the road this time. Also, the Raiders are so poorly coached that I don’t think they’ve even heard of the Wildcat offense, let alone know how to stop it.

Pick: Dolphins

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COLTS (8.5) vs Texans

Letdown game for the Colts after New England and Pittsburgh back to back. They’ll win, but not by 8.5 points.

Pick: Texans

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Titans (3.5) vs JAGUARS

I don’t feel that strongly that Jacksonville – one of the HUGE disappointments this year – will win or cover, but like I said last week, I’m picking against Tennessee every week until they lose. Am I repeating myself? Good.

Pick: Jaguars

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PACKERS (1.5) vs Bears

This one screams pick ’em. I don’t like Green Bay’s offensive line, especially against the Bears, who completely shut down Tennessee’s excellent running game last week. Ryan Grant, AKA the NY Giants 5th string running back (he wasn’t good enough to make our team last year,) will have a tough time and the Bears make the Cheeseheads cry.

Pick: Bears

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Eagles (8.5) vs BENGALS

Of course McNabb is a choker and Reid is still a dumb, fat fuck. But any team that drops 30 on my team – even if we DID hand them two TD’s off of turnovers – should be able to handle the Bungles. Philly’s also desperate to stay in the NFC race, so they’ll probably show up to play. They’re good at bullying bad teams, and not so good when they go up against real men. That makes them pussies, but winners this week.

Pick: Eagles

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Saints (4.5) vs CHIEFS

Lock of the week. For some reason I’ve seen the Chiefs play three out of the last four weeks, and much to my surprise, Tyler Thigpen is GOOD! He’ll throw all day against that horrendous New Orleans defense, and KC will cover. Fuck, they may even win. They should’ve beaten the Jets and Chargers the last two weeks, so why not New Orleans?

Pick: Chiefs

BTW, let me gloat about Jeremey Shockey for a second. He’s been a total bust for the Saints. Probably worse than that, because he’s been a clubhouse cancer as well. His numbers are WAY down, even with Drew Brees on his way to setting the all-time single season record for most passing yards; he’s been hurt, and blamed it on the trainers for misdiagnosing him; he’s argued on the sidelines with Brees more than once; and to top it off he was benched for the second half last week. HAHAHAHA!!! What a douche. And to think Giants GM Jerry Reese gets extra second and fifth-round picks in next year’s draft for the pleasure of getting rid of this assclown. It’s almost not fair. Except it is.

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PANTHERS (13.5) vs Lions

Carolina will win, but they were SO bad against Oakland last week that you’ve gotta think Detroit will cover, right? I’m not so sure either, but I’ll go out on a limb because I have balls.

Pick: Lions

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BUCCANEERS (4.5) vs Vikings

Don’t like either of these mediocre teams, so as I always do in those games, I go with the home team. I don’t even care if I’m wrong – it just feels right.

Pick: Buccaneers

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49ERS (5.5) vs Rams

San Francisco looked good on MNF. And I know I’ve preached before that you can’t expect momentum to carry over from week to week in the NFL, but they’re playing a truly crappy team this time. If they keep the intensity up – a BIG if – they’ll win and cover.

Pick: 49ers

More gloating: As much as I wanted San Fran to pull off the upset (mostly because Arizona is battling the Giants for playoff seeding), I can’t help but be happy that San Fran offensive coordinator Mike Martz fucked up in the last minute and cost his team the game. HAHAHAHAHA!!! This guy is one of the most insufferable pricks in sports – he’s really underrated as a prick, in my opinion – and he deserves nothing but bad things to happen to him.

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Cardinals (3.5) vs SEAHAWKS

Seattle is really, really bad. I don’t care if they get Matt “Elisabeth” Hasselbeck back this week. Shit, I don’t care if they get Republican asshole Steve Largent and worst-ever MVP recipient Shaun Alexander back – they’re not winning.

Pick: Cardinals

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STEELERS (3.5) vs Chargers

Pittsburgh’s been inconsistent, Roethlisberger is probably playing hurt, and Fast Willie Parker can’t stay on the field. No matter. At home, with that defense, against a soft as snatch Chargers team? Nah.

Pick: Steelers

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Cowboys (2.5) vs REDSKINS

Do I have to pick the Cowboys now that Portis is out and Tony Homo is riding in to save the day? Sports fucking suck sometimes.

Pick: Cowboys

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BILLS (4.5) vs Browns

The Bills have totally shit the bed, but I figure they’re due to recover sometime. They’re at home, it’s cold and snowy already, and Cleveland has quit, so I’m banking on it happening this week.

Pick: Bills