Yesterday was Halloween, and I did what I’ve done for the last five Halloweens in a row–I saw Psycho 78, the ultimate Misfits cover band. My head is fucking pounding, and I want your skulls. So let’s lay out my Week 9 picks with choice quotes from everybody’s favorite grisly Jersey doo-wop axe-chop shock rock band.
GIANTS (7.5) vs. Cowboys
Tony Romo is still sidelined with a pussy injury. Tony Romo, by the way, would’ve been a great name for a member of the Misfits. As it happened, a fella named Robo was a drummer for both Black Flag and the Misfits during their most hardcore phase. The Cowboys can’t win without their Misfits presence. Regardless, the Giants defensive line is going to destroy.
Lyric: Hell is pumping something into lots of people.
BILLS (5.5) vs. Jets
The Jets have been playing beneath themselves all season. It’s about time that people start considering the notion that head coach Eric Mangini is no genie at all, but an overrated crapbag who couldn’t figure out that during last week’s Chiefs matchup they should’ve run the ball all fuckin’ day. Instead Brett Favre turned in his usual headline-making performance of throwing interceptions and bad balls to put his team behind so he could race down the field at the end for the game-winning touchdown.
I think the Jets can keep this contest close, this is a huge game for both teams. But I would love to see this young Bills team knock the Jets on their asses.
Misfits quote: Here in this place lies the genie of death. Touch it, see it.
VIKINGS (4.5) vs. Texans
Speaking of coaches who suck, Childless Brad Childress is getting about 15% out of his pretty damn good Vikings team. Yes, they have no quarterback, but they knew Tavaris Jackson was untested when they drafted him, and they threw him to the sidelines a couple weeks in. Meanwhile, they haven’t built an offensive plan that gets the most out of Adrian Peterson, and they absolutely suck in the red zone. If the Vikings score a touchdown, immediately head to the nearest gas station/bodega and buy as many lottery tickets as you can grab.
The Texans are the worse team, but they can win this one.
Misfits quote: Texas is the reason that the president’s dead, you gotta suck suck Jackie suck!
BENGALS vs. Jaguars (7.5)
The Bengals are 0-7, and still from Ohio.
Misfits quote: We bite!
CHIEFS vs. Buccaneers (8.5)
The Chiefs are the very, very worst team in the league. There’s no ‘throw it to Lucas’ moment at the end of this fairy tale. Even though the Buccaneers are piloted by quarterback Jeff Garcia, who’s old, injured, and probably had a Lorenzo Lamas poster on his wall in high school, only a fool like Hernandez would pick the Chiefs to cover.
Misfits quote: When you rip my back to shreds, I’ll dig my boots into the soft remains of your spine.
BROWNS (1.5) vs. Ravens
The Browns are also from Ohio. Two nights ago, I swear I dreamt that I was watching Cleveland play football, waiting for them to score. It never happened.
Misfits quote: My twins of evil they shake you by the collarbone then snap your ribcage and broken bodies in a death rock dance hall please be my partner.
RAMS vs. Cardinals (3.5)
In the same week that the old Cleveland Browns (the Ravens) return to their cesspool, the team that bow-tie-wearing douchebag owner Bill Bidwill moved to the desert returns to my cesspool, St. Louis. It’s been 20+ years, but I’m still bitter.
The Rams play in ‘Edward Jones Dome’. First of all, why does St. Louis need a fucking dome? It’s not exactly Green Bay. Secondly, is there a less memorable name for a stadium? Is it named after an insurance claims adjuster?
Misfits quote: Inside your feeble brain there’s probably a whore. If you don’t shut your mouth you’re gonna feel the floor.
BEARS (12.5) vs. Lions
Ok, the Bears are having a pretty good year. But two touchdown favorites? Just wave a pint of Jack Daniels in front of Kyle Orton and you’ll only lose by a touchdown.
Misfits quote: Pregnant mothers in Mexico give birth to stillborn monster babies. (I didn’t know this one — is this true?)
TITANS (4.5) vs. Packers
The Titans are 7-0. They’ve gotta lose at some point. After playing the most entertaining quarter of football (Monday Night Football’s 3rd quarter) and then running up the score on the Colts in the 4th quarter, I say they take it a little easy this week. Aaron Rodgers’ nose should have a great game.
Misfits quote: Brains for every single meal, why can’t we have some guts?
BRONCOS (3.5) vs. Dolphins
I can’t figure out this Denver team at all. After the Dolphins upset a superior Bills team last week, I’m hoping they do the same.
Misfits quote: Come back little raven and bite my face.
RAIDERS vs. Falcons (3.5)
I could give a corn kernel shit about who wins this game.
Misfits quote: 20 eyes in my head, they’re all the same.
SEAHAWKS vs. Eagles (7.5)
Everytime I pick the Eagles, they lose. Everytime I don’t pick them, they win. I badly want them to lose.
Misfits quote: Rip the veins from human necks until they’re wet with life.
COLTS vs. Patriots (6.5)
Ok, the Colts suck. But touchdown underdogs to the Brady Bunch-less Patriots at home? That’s insulting. Peyton Manning is going to come out like Glenn Danzig on Sunday night.
Misfits quote: I walk down city streets on an unsuspecting human world. Inhuman in your midst, this world is mine to own.
REDSKINS vs. Steelers (2.5)
Another kickass Monday Night Football matchup. It’s been awhile since the 6-2 Redskins have played a good team. And after the Steelers took a blow to the chin at home from the Giants, there is no way they’re going into the nation’s capital the night before Election Day and folding. I hope Cheney goes to this game and gets shot in the face. Is that treason?
Misfits quote: I got something to say. I killed your baby today. Doesn’t matter much to me as long as it’s dead.