Keith beat me by one measly game last week. I managed an 8-6 record, while he once again titty fucked Dolly Parton. Tartar sauce! So at the turn, the season totals are Keith 71-59 to my 70-60. Unbelievable. We really need to come up with some stakes.
Can you believe the NFL season is half over? I’m half depressed already. The NFL Network is celebrating with its first Thursday night game of the year, which means now I have to do my picks earlier every week even though I won’t be able to see the damned game anyway. That deal’s raw like sushi. (Note to self: download “Buffalo Stance” from iTunes.) Anyway, here goes…
EAGLES (3.5) vs. Giants
Total bullshit. The Giants shouldn’t be underdogs to ANYONE. I don’t care if the game is in Philly – they still have a choking QB, a stupid, fat fuck of a head coach, and a small defensive line that will cry to their mommies that the Giants offensive lineman are hurting them.
Underrated Giant of the Week: Michael Johnson. The supposed weak links of the Giants defense are its safeties. (Linebackers other than Pierce too, but we’ll save that for another week.) But am I the only one who notices Johnson flying all over the field delivering big hits? He definitely still blows assignments, but he’s a second year player who didn’t start last season so I cut him some slack. Especially when he’s an aggressive, freakishly talented athlete who covers a LOT of ground and loves to hit. My sense is he’ll quietly develop into a player who will team up with Kenny Phillips to form an excellent unit for years to come.
JETS (7.5) vs. Rams
Oh Jets, why did you have to go against years of history and win a big game on the road last week? Please don’t fuck with a proven formula. Your fans LIKE it that way!
BROWNS (3.5) vs. Broncos
Brady Quinn finally makes his first start, starting the clock on what figures to be a season-long battle with Jeff Garcia as to who is gayer.
Football Pick: Browns
“Gay” Pick: Garcia
Jaguars (6.5) vs. LIONS
I told you last week Jaguars that I wasn’t ever picking you again if you didn’t cover. Now feel the pain.
Titans (3.5) vs. BEARS
I love a feelgood story as much as the next guy, but can’t we all agree that the Titans are playing way over their heads? They’re a solid, but unspectacular and pretty untested team, and this unbeaten streak is now officially ridiculous. I don’t care who they’re playing – I’m picking against them every week until they lose.
PATRIOTS (4.5) vs. Bills
The wheels on the bus fall off again
Off again, off again
The wheels on the bus fall off again
All through the town
FALCONS (1.5) vs. Saints
Eventually people are going to have to accept that Atlanta is pretty good.
DOLPHINS (8.5) vs. Seahawks
Possible trap game because of the large spread, but I’ve seen the Seahawks play.
VIKINGS (2.5) vs. Packers
Green Bay is inconsistent, but they looked good against Tennessee last week. And while I know that one week definitely doesn’t always carry over to the next in the wild, wacky NFL, I think they’ll play well again on Sunday. Also, I hate the fucking Vikings for reasons that I can’t even reconcile within myself.
Panthers (7.5) vs. RAIDERS
Crazy Al Davis canned Me’Angelo Hall after only eight games. That’s the coolest thing he’s done since… since… hold on, I’ll come up with something…
CHARGERS (13.5) vs. Chiefs
Insane spread. Kansas City has looked better than San Diego recently, and they should’ve won their last two games. At the very LEAST, Tyler Thigpen and company will cover against this band of frontrunning quitters.
STEELERS (6.5) vs. Colts
So, so difficult to pick this one. I don’t really believe the old Colts are back, but I also think Pittsburgh is slightly overrated. When in doubt, go with the home team.
TEXANS (1.5) vs. Ravens
Ridiculous spread that must have been made before they announced Matt Schaub’s injury. But it would’ve been ridiculous even if Schaub HAD been playing this week.
Next week Keith and I get to watch the Ravens in person, so I’ll pull for them one last time. Then I can start cursing their mothers.
CARDINALS (9.5) vs. 49ers
What a turd of a Monday Night Football game. It might be amusing to watch the Cardinals aerial display for a half, but I’m not sticking around for the end unless Mike Singletary whips his cock out.