Week 11 Picks – Hernandez

It’s getting tighter than an altar boys asshole, both in the IKH picks race and in the actual playoff race. This is a big week in the NFL, as they all will be from here on out as the postseason gets closer. There are a handful of good matchups, starting with the Thursday night showcase.

PATRIOTS (3.5) vs Jets

The Jets suck. Sure, they’re better than they were last year, but that’s like praising a special ed kid for not pissing his pants. They’re getting marginally better quarterback play, a better rushing attack and MUCH better defense than they did last season, but they can’t escape their history of complete failure and humiliation. Wes Welker torches them in Foxboro and the Pats roll.

Pick: Patriots

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GIANTS (6.5) vs Ravens

I will pussy out for now and just make my pick, but I promise to write a separate post previewing the game sometime before Sunday’s apocalypse.

Pick: Giants

Underrated Giant of the Week: Amani Toomer. How can the guy who holds the franchise’s all-time records for receptions and yards be underrated? Because he continues to bring it every week even after he’s been written off a thousand times. Sometimes Eli forgets to look for him, but when he does, he’s open. And he always makes the catch.

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FALCONS (5.5) vs Broncos

Have I mentioned the Broncos defense sucks? I thought so.

Pick: Falcons

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DOLPHINS (10.5) vs Raiders

Most Miami games have been close, except for when they blew out New England. But Oakland had their once-a-month decent game last week, and they’re on the road this time. Also, the Raiders are so poorly coached that I don’t think they’ve even heard of the Wildcat offense, let alone know how to stop it.

Pick: Dolphins

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COLTS (8.5) vs Texans

Letdown game for the Colts after New England and Pittsburgh back to back. They’ll win, but not by 8.5 points.

Pick: Texans

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Titans (3.5) vs JAGUARS

I don’t feel that strongly that Jacksonville – one of the HUGE disappointments this year – will win or cover, but like I said last week, I’m picking against Tennessee every week until they lose. Am I repeating myself? Good.

Pick: Jaguars

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PACKERS (1.5) vs Bears

This one screams pick ’em. I don’t like Green Bay’s offensive line, especially against the Bears, who completely shut down Tennessee’s excellent running game last week. Ryan Grant, AKA the NY Giants 5th string running back (he wasn’t good enough to make our team last year,) will have a tough time and the Bears make the Cheeseheads cry.

Pick: Bears

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Eagles (8.5) vs BENGALS

Of course McNabb is a choker and Reid is still a dumb, fat fuck. But any team that drops 30 on my team – even if we DID hand them two TD’s off of turnovers – should be able to handle the Bungles. Philly’s also desperate to stay in the NFC race, so they’ll probably show up to play. They’re good at bullying bad teams, and not so good when they go up against real men. That makes them pussies, but winners this week.

Pick: Eagles

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Saints (4.5) vs CHIEFS

Lock of the week. For some reason I’ve seen the Chiefs play three out of the last four weeks, and much to my surprise, Tyler Thigpen is GOOD! He’ll throw all day against that horrendous New Orleans defense, and KC will cover. Fuck, they may even win. They should’ve beaten the Jets and Chargers the last two weeks, so why not New Orleans?

Pick: Chiefs

BTW, let me gloat about Jeremey Shockey for a second. He’s been a total bust for the Saints. Probably worse than that, because he’s been a clubhouse cancer as well. His numbers are WAY down, even with Drew Brees on his way to setting the all-time single season record for most passing yards; he’s been hurt, and blamed it on the trainers for misdiagnosing him; he’s argued on the sidelines with Brees more than once; and to top it off he was benched for the second half last week. HAHAHAHA!!! What a douche. And to think Giants GM Jerry Reese gets extra second and fifth-round picks in next year’s draft for the pleasure of getting rid of this assclown. It’s almost not fair. Except it is.

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PANTHERS (13.5) vs Lions

Carolina will win, but they were SO bad against Oakland last week that you’ve gotta think Detroit will cover, right? I’m not so sure either, but I’ll go out on a limb because I have balls.

Pick: Lions

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BUCCANEERS (4.5) vs Vikings

Don’t like either of these mediocre teams, so as I always do in those games, I go with the home team. I don’t even care if I’m wrong – it just feels right.

Pick: Buccaneers

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49ERS (5.5) vs Rams

San Francisco looked good on MNF. And I know I’ve preached before that you can’t expect momentum to carry over from week to week in the NFL, but they’re playing a truly crappy team this time. If they keep the intensity up – a BIG if – they’ll win and cover.

Pick: 49ers

More gloating: As much as I wanted San Fran to pull off the upset (mostly because Arizona is battling the Giants for playoff seeding), I can’t help but be happy that San Fran offensive coordinator Mike Martz fucked up in the last minute and cost his team the game. HAHAHAHAHA!!! This guy is one of the most insufferable pricks in sports – he’s really underrated as a prick, in my opinion – and he deserves nothing but bad things to happen to him.

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Cardinals (3.5) vs SEAHAWKS

Seattle is really, really bad. I don’t care if they get Matt “Elisabeth” Hasselbeck back this week. Shit, I don’t care if they get Republican asshole Steve Largent and worst-ever MVP recipient Shaun Alexander back – they’re not winning.

Pick: Cardinals

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STEELERS (3.5) vs Chargers

Pittsburgh’s been inconsistent, Roethlisberger is probably playing hurt, and Fast Willie Parker can’t stay on the field. No matter. At home, with that defense, against a soft as snatch Chargers team? Nah.

Pick: Steelers

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Cowboys (2.5) vs REDSKINS

Do I have to pick the Cowboys now that Portis is out and Tony Homo is riding in to save the day? Sports fucking suck sometimes.

Pick: Cowboys

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BILLS (4.5) vs Browns

The Bills have totally shit the bed, but I figure they’re due to recover sometime. They’re at home, it’s cold and snowy already, and Cleveland has quit, so I’m banking on it happening this week.

Pick: Bills

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