Monthly Archives: November 2008

Recap/Fantasy Rebuttal

Going into the Monday Night Football game, Keith and I were/are tied for the week with middling 6-7 records. But we both picked Arizona, so we’ll either end up tied 7-7 or 6-8. No big whoop. (At halftime it’s looking more like 6-8, as San Fran decided to show up this week. So far no sign of Singletary’s privates.)

Update: Arizona pulled out a wild one in a great game I had the pleasure of watching live because my wife went to bed ridiculously early. Nicest thing she’s done for me all month. So Keith and I both finished 6-8 this week.

We’ll have our Week 11 picks in a few days, but the bigger story is Keith and I are gearing up to attend the Ravens/Giants game on Sunday. I believe it’s Keith’s first ever NFL game, we have amazing seats, and I couldn’t be more psyched. Murdering Ray Lewis and Baltimore’s Big Bad D will try to match up with Brandon Jacobs and his 270 pounds of fury. My dick is hard already, in a completely heterosexual way. Maybe Keith and I can cook up a special post or something afterwards to mark the occasion. The football, not my hard dick.

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On the fantasy front, Beef Wennington lost its Week 2 matchup 6-3 to a team named Illini. Thanks a lot Keith. When I had control the first week I only lost 5-4. So that either means I’m better than Keith at running the team, or our roster played slightly better in Week 1 and it was complete dumb luck. We’ll never know the answer, which is exactly why fantasy sports suck.

Rather than post a comment on Keith’s fantasy writeup that nobody will ever see, I’ll rebut his points here on the mainpage:

#1. Keith’s right – in hindsight, we should have gone with Touch Me I’m Sikma. But it’s not like he ever stated a preference. What am I, a mindreader? There’s a reason we’re both divorced.

#2. I’m sure a live draft is a lot of fun, but I didn’t have time for one. I realize the camaraderie of a draft is a crucial component of enjoying fantasy sports, but I only have so much free time to waste. Next year, promise.

#3. I couldn’t be prouder to be the guy who drafts too many players from his favorite team. I’d recommend more fantasy nerds do the same, except they don’t actually root for any specific teams because they’re assholes who are too wrapped up in stats.

As I said in the post introducing our fantasy league, I wanted to pick a lot of Knicks because I needed to have some players to root for in real life, AND I figured they’d do well playing for Mike D’Antoni. How’s that working out for us? David Lee, the darling of the white fanbase, is averaging an extremely respectable 10.2 points and 6.2 rebounds per game, and really hasn’t played all that well so far. Nate Robinson is averaging 15 points, 4.3 assists and 2.83 steals. Wilson Chandler’s numbers are 13 PPG, 6 RPG in only 28 minutes per game. And Zach Randolph is 19.8 PPG and 11.5 RPG. Quadruple ha, motherfucker!

#4. I don’t want to lose. I just don’t care if we do.

#5. Granted, regular season basketball isn’t as good as playoff basketball, but any sporting event is a million times better than network television. Let’s see, do I want to watch “How I Met Your Mother” and “Two and a Half Men” or Knicks/Bobcats? A no brainer, no matter how shitty the Bobcats are.

#6. Speaking of Liverpool, I usually hold my nose and root for them over any of the other superclubs in the Premiership, but I was cursing them last week when they were gifted a 1-1 draw they didn’t deserve in their Champions League match against Atletico Madrid. That was the weakest penalty call I’ve ever seen, especially in second half stoppage time! Just terrible.

#7. Keith is up one game in the picks. Still too much football to be played to be talking smack yet.

#8. Yes, Keith’s personality is so addictive and he’s so deeply involved that he mistakenly benched LeBron James in a game last week. Total boneheaded move, and you know what? It doesn’t matter one fucking bit.

I’ve gotta start messing around to make the fantasy stuff more entertaining, cause two weeks in it’s even worse than I thought.

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Fantasy Bball + week 10 picks

Rather than discuss the football happening this week, I’ll get my picks in quick and talk about other sports stuff. Picks at the end.

So Hernandez has signed us up for a fantasy basketball league. We are diametrically opposed in running Beef Wennington, our team, for the following 8 reasons.

#1: he didn’t go with Touch Me I’m Sikma, which is much better. Bill Wennington is pretty much my favorite awkward tall white guy who can’t play defense, but you don’t have to be a Mudhoney fan to get the Sikma joke.

#2: I told him to sign us up for a live draft. Really, the draft is the most fun part of fantasy basketball. Especially if sharing a team. We’d get together, drink beer, eat beer cans, and decide unimportant stuff like if Emeka Okafor is better than Corey Magette with all the seriousness of an economic summit. We make fun of the stupidest team name in our league (LuvMyPatriots&NKOTB is a runaway), and the guy who picks too many players from his favorite team.

#3. Unfortunately, we are that team, because Hernandez picked half of the frickin’ New York Knicks roster. If you haven’t seen Spike Lee smile in several years, it’s not because he’s an Angry Black Man, it’s because his favorite team *sucks*. Yes, the Knicks have a new coach who stresses offense, which is all you really want in a fantasy league. But we took the shrimp (5’3″ Nate Robinson, who enters the Slam Dunk contest every year and sucks at it ‘cos he’s short), the Wennington guy (David Lee, who is the name of my Korean freshman college roommate who listened exclusively to Erasure and Book of Love), The Criminal (Zach Randolph) and a guy named Wilson Chandler who I thought was on the Mets.

#4. Hernandez wants to lose. He thinks fantasy basketball is a waste of time and detracts from the game. That’s the *point*. Because as we know, about 25% of NBA players try before the playoffs, and those are the ones in contract years. I on the other hand, was forged with a competitive spirit and care not to make a mockery of ourselves.

#5. Hernandez likes watching regular season basketball. That’s okay, I guess–I watched General Hospital with my sister when I was 12. I probably remember more about that season than any highlights from any regular season game ever.

#6. Basketball is a distraction right now! We’re entering Week 10 of the football season and as Hernandez knows I’m knee deep in Liverpool soccer right now.

#7. In case you didn’t see, I’m beating Hernandez in the football pool. Just wanted to throw that in there. Nothing to do with fantasy basketball.

#8. I have an addictive personality. I don’t have the time to check every day for injuries, waivers, trade possibilities, without getting deeply involved in it and wasting way too much time I could be spending watching hulu.com or reading the entire Tom the Dancing Bug comic archive, as I attempted to do today.

Nevertheless, we’re in this thing. It’ll be interesting to see whether we end up competing in the league, or just with each other. I’m pretty sure I’ll be dropping a Knick a week.

FOOTBALL PICKS:

Giants over EAGLES (3.5)
Rams over JETS (7.5)
BROWNS (3.5) over Broncos
LIONS over Jaguars (6.5)
Titans (3.5) over BEARS
Bills over PATRIOTS (4.5)
FALCONS (1.5) over Saints
DOLPHINS (8.5) over Seahawks
VIKINGS (2.5) over Packers
RAIDERS over Panthers (7.5)
Chiefs over CHARGERS (13.5)
STEELERS (6.5) over Colts
Ravens over TEXANS (1.5)
CARDINALS (9.5) vs. 49ers

Recap/Hernandez Week 10 Picks

Keith beat me by one measly game last week. I managed an 8-6 record, while he once again titty fucked Dolly Parton. Tartar sauce! So at the turn, the season totals are Keith 71-59 to my 70-60. Unbelievable. We really need to come up with some stakes.

Can you believe the NFL season is half over? I’m half depressed already. The NFL Network is celebrating with its first Thursday night game of the year, which means now I have to do my picks earlier every week even though I won’t be able to see the damned game anyway. That deal’s raw like sushi. (Note to self: download “Buffalo Stance” from iTunes.) Anyway, here goes…

EAGLES (3.5) vs. Giants

Total bullshit. The Giants shouldn’t be underdogs to ANYONE. I don’t care if the game is in Philly – they still have a choking QB, a stupid, fat fuck of a head coach, and a small defensive line that will cry to their mommies that the Giants offensive lineman are hurting them.

Pick: Giants

Underrated Giant of the Week: Michael Johnson. The supposed weak links of the Giants defense are its safeties. (Linebackers other than Pierce too, but we’ll save that for another week.) But am I the only one who notices Johnson flying all over the field delivering big hits? He definitely still blows assignments, but he’s a second year player who didn’t start last season so I cut him some slack. Especially when he’s an aggressive, freakishly talented athlete who covers a LOT of ground and loves to hit. My sense is he’ll quietly develop into a player who will team up with Kenny Phillips to form an excellent unit for years to come.

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JETS (7.5) vs. Rams

Oh Jets, why did you have to go against years of history and win a big game on the road last week? Please don’t fuck with a proven formula. Your fans LIKE it that way!

Pick: Rams

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BROWNS (3.5) vs. Broncos

Brady Quinn finally makes his first start, starting the clock on what figures to be a season-long battle with Jeff Garcia as to who is gayer.

Football Pick: Browns
“Gay” Pick: Garcia

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Jaguars (6.5) vs. LIONS

I told you last week Jaguars that I wasn’t ever picking you again if you didn’t cover. Now feel the pain.

Pick: Lions

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Titans (3.5) vs. BEARS

I love a feelgood story as much as the next guy, but can’t we all agree that the Titans are playing way over their heads? They’re a solid, but unspectacular and pretty untested team, and this unbeaten streak is now officially ridiculous. I don’t care who they’re playing – I’m picking against them every week until they lose.

Pick: Bears

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PATRIOTS (4.5) vs. Bills

The wheels on the bus fall off again
Off again, off again
The wheels on the bus fall off again
All through the town

Pick: Patriots

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FALCONS (1.5) vs. Saints

Eventually people are going to have to accept that Atlanta is pretty good.

Pick: Falcons

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DOLPHINS (8.5) vs. Seahawks

Possible trap game because of the large spread, but I’ve seen the Seahawks play.

Pick: Dolphins

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VIKINGS (2.5) vs. Packers

Green Bay is inconsistent, but they looked good against Tennessee last week. And while I know that one week definitely doesn’t always carry over to the next in the wild, wacky NFL, I think they’ll play well again on Sunday. Also, I hate the fucking Vikings for reasons that I can’t even reconcile within myself.

Pick: Packers

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Panthers (7.5) vs. RAIDERS

Crazy Al Davis canned Me’Angelo Hall after only eight games. That’s the coolest thing he’s done since… since… hold on, I’ll come up with something…

Pick: Panthers

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CHARGERS (13.5) vs. Chiefs

Insane spread. Kansas City has looked better than San Diego recently, and they should’ve won their last two games. At the very LEAST, Tyler Thigpen and company will cover against this band of frontrunning quitters.

Pick: Chiefs

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STEELERS (6.5) vs. Colts

So, so difficult to pick this one. I don’t really believe the old Colts are back, but I also think Pittsburgh is slightly overrated. When in doubt, go with the home team.

Pick: Steelers

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TEXANS (1.5) vs. Ravens

Ridiculous spread that must have been made before they announced Matt Schaub’s injury. But it would’ve been ridiculous even if Schaub HAD been playing this week.

Next week Keith and I get to watch the Ravens in person, so I’ll pull for them one last time. Then I can start cursing their mothers.

Pick: Ravens

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CARDINALS (9.5) vs. 49ers

What a turd of a Monday Night Football game. It might be amusing to watch the Cardinals aerial display for a half, but I’m not sticking around for the end unless Mike Singletary whips his cock out.

Pick: Cardinals

Week 9 Picks – Hernandez

I’ve squandered my early season lead, and now I’ve got to come back – like the Misfits – this week.

(I’ve been told I actually played “Come Back” at a party last year with Keith and some other friends, but I was so drunk I have absolutely no recollection of it. I’m not even kidding.)

GIANTS (7.5) vs. Cowboys

The nerds at Football Outsiders predicted the Cowboys would struggle this season because the stats showed they had enjoyed the best injury luck of any NFL team the previous two years, and that they were due to revert back to the statistical norm in 2008. I’ve gotta hand it to those asshole geniuses, because their calculators shat out the right calculations this time around. In fact, the Cowboys are so beat up for this game that a lot of people are predicting a Giants blowout. I’m not so sure of that. I’m a little worried that the Pittsburgh game took something out of Big Blue physically, and that they may think they can just throw the ball all day against a green secondary. It’s a classic trap game.

Admit it – I had you there for a second, right?

Pick: GIANTS

Underrated Giant of the Week: Zak DeOssie. Never heard of him? Good. He’s the Giants long snapper. The Steelers game should be a reminder of just how valuable a guy like that is. Bonus points for being the son of former Giants linebacker Steve DeOssie, who started for the 1990 Super Bowl champs. I always liked him because he had a nose for the ball, he wore a cool dark visor in his helmet, and he’s white.

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BILLS (5.5) vs. Jets

What Keith said. I’ve been railing against Mangini for a long time now, and it’s good to see others are starting to catch on. (You think David Chase regrets giving this one-season wonder a cameo on “The Sopranos?” Me neither. Those paisan’s stick together.) Let’s also not forget Jets offensive coordinator Brian Schittenheimer, son of Marty. The players are starting to complain to the press about the gameplans and play calling. Not a good sign.

The Bills have beaten the Jets something like 12 out of the last 14 times they’ve played. I’m only exaggerating slightly. They’ve always matched up well against the pussies in green, and I think they put the smackdown on this soft, sloppy team.

Pick: BILLS

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VIKINGS (4.5) vs. Texans

I agree with Keith about Childress being a bad coach, but I disagree that the Vikings are a “pretty damn good” team. Besides the mess at QB, their wide receivers SUCK, and this team was destined to max out at 8-8 all along. Houston’s feeling it lately, and they’ll cover at least, if not win outright.

Pick: TEXANS

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BENGALS vs. Jaguars (7.5)

The Jags have fucked me a couple of times, and if they don’t cover this week I’m off them for good.

Pick: JAGUARS

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CHIEFS vs. Buccaneers (8.5)

This fool watched Tyler Thigpen throw the ball with authority last week, so yes, I’m actually going there. (Also, our first four picks were identical, and what’s the fun in that? You’re going to hate me when they cover.)

Pick: CHIEFS

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BROWNS (1.5) vs. Ravens

Only two more weeks until Keith and I go see Giants/Ravens. I’m pulling for you Flacco!

Pick: RAVENS

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RAMS vs. Cardinals (3.5)

Loved Keith’s comment on the Edward Jones Dome. Naming rights are one of my biggest pet peeves in sports, and I want to thank my compadre for giving me another idea for a post I may or may not ever get around to writing. You know if I do it’ll be good.

Pick: CARDINALS

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BEARS (12.5) vs. Lions

I SO wanted to pick the Lions to cover this spread, but Keith beat me to it, and now it would just seem like I was copying him. So here’s to Kyle Orton forgetting who he is for yet another week and just going buck wild on Detroit.

Detroit signed Dante Culpepper today to a two-year deal. He’s washed up, but still better than what they’ve got. That’s pathetic.

Pick: BEARS

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TITANS (4.5) vs. Packers

I can see a letdown after the big win over the Colts, and I agree that they’ll lose at some point, but something tells me they’ll pull it out this week by a TD. I also don’t love the Packers on the road that much.

Pick: TITANS

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BRONCOS (3.5) vs. Dolphins

Fuck all that Wildcat bullshit; what’s lost in the novelty of that scheme is that Miami actually has one of the most productive offenses in the league. Yes, even with the rag arm Pennington. Color me amazed. Oh, and Denver may have the worst defense in football, and that includes Detroit and Kansas City.

Pick: DOLPHINS

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RAIDERS vs. Falcons (3.5)

I’m rooting for Atlanta more than Keith is, but Matt Ryan is due for a bad game on the road. The cesspool known as the Black Hole seems like a likely place for it, even if the Raiders suck. This’ll be one of those cliche “on any given Sunday…” games.

Pick: RAIDERS

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SEAHAWKS vs. Eagles (7.5)

Fuck Philly.

Pick: EAGLES

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COLTS vs. Patriots (6.5)

Despite the injuries and age, Indy’s strength is still throwing. New England’s biggest weakness is its secondary. I think the Pats may eke out the win, but I’m with Keith on this point spread.

Pick: COLTS

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REDSKINS vs. Steelers (2.5)

Washington is overrated. A lot of bad teams have played them close. Shut down Portis and they’re toast. Bonus prediction: Portis leaves this game with an injury. I guarantee it.

Pick: STEELERS

Keith’s Week 9 Picks featuring THE MISFITS

Yesterday was Halloween, and I did what I’ve done for the last five Halloweens in a row–I saw Psycho 78, the ultimate Misfits cover band. My head is fucking pounding, and I want your skulls. So let’s lay out my Week 9 picks with choice quotes from everybody’s favorite grisly Jersey doo-wop axe-chop shock rock band.

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GIANTS (7.5) vs. Cowboys

Tony Romo is still sidelined with a pussy injury. Tony Romo, by the way, would’ve been a great name for a member of the Misfits. As it happened, a fella named Robo was a drummer for both Black Flag and the Misfits during their most hardcore phase. The Cowboys can’t win without their Misfits presence. Regardless, the Giants defensive line is going to destroy.

PICK: GIANTS

Lyric: Hell is pumping something into lots of people.

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BILLS (5.5) vs. Jets

The Jets have been playing beneath themselves all season. It’s about time that people start considering the notion that head coach Eric Mangini is no genie at all, but an overrated crapbag who couldn’t figure out that during last week’s Chiefs matchup they should’ve run the ball all fuckin’ day. Instead Brett Favre turned in his usual headline-making performance of throwing interceptions and bad balls to put his team behind so he could race down the field at the end for the game-winning touchdown.

I think the Jets can keep this contest close, this is a huge game for both teams. But I would love to see this young Bills team knock the Jets on their asses.

PICK: BILLS

Misfits quote: Here in this place lies the genie of death. Touch it, see it.

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VIKINGS (4.5) vs. Texans

Speaking of coaches who suck, Childless Brad Childress is getting about 15% out of his pretty damn good Vikings team. Yes, they have no quarterback, but they knew Tavaris Jackson was untested when they drafted him, and they threw him to the sidelines a couple weeks in. Meanwhile, they haven’t built an offensive plan that gets the most out of Adrian Peterson, and they absolutely suck in the red zone. If the Vikings score a touchdown, immediately head to the nearest gas station/bodega and buy as many lottery tickets as you can grab.

The Texans are the worse team, but they can win this one.

PICK: TEXANS

Misfits quote: Texas is the reason that the president’s dead, you gotta suck suck Jackie suck!

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BENGALS vs. Jaguars (7.5)

The Bengals are 0-7, and still from Ohio.

PICK: JAGUARS

Misfits quote: We bite!

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CHIEFS vs. Buccaneers (8.5)

The Chiefs are the very, very worst team in the league. There’s no ‘throw it to Lucas’ moment at the end of this fairy tale. Even though the Buccaneers are piloted by quarterback Jeff Garcia, who’s old, injured, and probably had a Lorenzo Lamas poster on his wall in high school, only a fool like Hernandez would pick the Chiefs to cover.

PICK: BUCCANEERS

Misfits quote: When you rip my back to shreds, I’ll dig my boots into the soft remains of your spine.

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BROWNS (1.5) vs. Ravens

The Browns are also from Ohio. Two nights ago, I swear I dreamt that I was watching Cleveland play football, waiting for them to score. It never happened.

PICK: RAVENS

Misfits quote: My twins of evil they shake you by the collarbone then snap your ribcage and broken bodies in a death rock dance hall please be my partner.

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RAMS vs. Cardinals (3.5)

In the same week that the old Cleveland Browns (the Ravens) return to their cesspool, the team that bow-tie-wearing douchebag owner Bill Bidwill moved to the desert returns to my cesspool, St. Louis. It’s been 20+ years, but I’m still bitter.

The Rams play in ‘Edward Jones Dome’. First of all, why does St. Louis need a fucking dome? It’s not exactly Green Bay. Secondly, is there a less memorable name for a stadium? Is it named after an insurance claims adjuster?

PICK: CARDINALS

Misfits quote: Inside your feeble brain there’s probably a whore. If you don’t shut your mouth you’re gonna feel the floor.

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BEARS (12.5) vs. Lions

Ok, the Bears are having a pretty good year. But two touchdown favorites? Just wave a pint of Jack Daniels in front of Kyle Orton and you’ll only lose by a touchdown.

PICK: LIONS

Misfits quote: Pregnant mothers in Mexico give birth to stillborn monster babies. (I didn’t know this one — is this true?)

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TITANS (4.5) vs. Packers

The Titans are 7-0. They’ve gotta lose at some point. After playing the most entertaining quarter of football (Monday Night Football’s 3rd quarter) and then running up the score on the Colts in the 4th quarter, I say they take it a little easy this week. Aaron Rodgers’ nose should have a great game.

PICK: Packers

Misfits quote: Brains for every single meal, why can’t we have some guts?

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BRONCOS (3.5) vs. Dolphins

I can’t figure out this Denver team at all. After the Dolphins upset a superior Bills team last week, I’m hoping they do the same.

PICK: BRONCOS

Misfits quote: Come back little raven and bite my face.

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RAIDERS vs. Falcons (3.5)

I could give a corn kernel shit about who wins this game.

PICK: FALCONS

Misfits quote: 20 eyes in my head, they’re all the same.

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SEAHAWKS vs. Eagles (7.5)

Everytime I pick the Eagles, they lose. Everytime I don’t pick them, they win. I badly want them to lose.

PICK: EAGLES

Misfits quote: Rip the veins from human necks until they’re wet with life.

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COLTS vs. Patriots (6.5)

Ok, the Colts suck. But touchdown underdogs to the Brady Bunch-less Patriots at home? That’s insulting. Peyton Manning is going to come out like Glenn Danzig on Sunday night.

PICK: COLTS

Misfits quote: I walk down city streets on an unsuspecting human world. Inhuman in your midst, this world is mine to own.

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REDSKINS vs. Steelers (2.5)

Another kickass Monday Night Football matchup. It’s been awhile since the 6-2 Redskins have played a good team. And after the Steelers took a blow to the chin at home from the Giants, there is no way they’re going into the nation’s capital the night before Election Day and folding. I hope Cheney goes to this game and gets shot in the face. Is that treason?

PICK: STEELERS

Misfits quote: I got something to say. I killed your baby today. Doesn’t matter much to me as long as it’s dead.