Can this really be the end? Holy fucking christ on a cupcake! The NFL regular season ends Sunday, and for the life of me I can’t figure out why *this* day isn’t called Black Sunday. It really is painful. No more Thursday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday night games, no more watching for the scores and highlights of up to 13 games from 1pm to 7:30pm every Sunday, no more beating on Keith in our picks. This sucks.
Speaking of which, Keith went 5-11 with his picks last week, and I went 10-6. Going into the final week Keith’s season total is 106-118, and mine is 120-104. He’d pretty much have to run the table from here through the Pro Bowl to win, but stranger things have happened. Not much stranger, granted, but I like to think of myself as an optimist.
Oh, and if you’re wondering about the IKH field trip to the Giants/Panthers showdown last Sunday, it was beyond fantastic. A game so great it deserves its own post, which we will definitely write. And because we love you all so much, thanks to my compadre, that post will have photos too! You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll stuff your face.
Enough foreplay – let’s get to the final regular season picks. (We’re doing playoff picks too, because I say so.) Since the season is wrapping up, I thought it’d be fun to go back and see what I wrote about each team before Week 1. So let’s take a trip in the ole wayback machine…
VIKINGS (6.5) vs Giants
Week 1 Giants: “Will roll to a second straight Super Bowl title.”
Week 1 Vikings: “I’m not sold on the Vikes. Tavaris Jackson is a complete enigma, and Adrian Peterson is being crowned waaay too soon. He’s based his whole reputation on like 5 good games last year. The rest of the time he was either average or injured. Can’t explain why I don’t like him – I just don’t.”
Right on Tavaris, wrong on Purple Jesus. But the Giants will stuff him on Sunday and win the game anyway. Sure, Minny needs it more, but they couldn’t beat Atlanta at home last week, and the Giants have a whole bunch of depth that will make up for their missing starters.
Underrated Giant of the Week: Kevin Boss. Can’t believe I haven’t picked him yet. He’s got great hands, runs good routes, has more speed and athleticism than people realize, and has quietly developed into a steady blocker. Maybe most importantly, he’s NOT Jeremy Shockey. If he keeps this up he won’t be underrated much longer.
JETS (2.5) vs Dolphins
Week 1 Jets: “Favre will make the Jets better, but only by a little. NY spent a buttload of cash on old and washed up players (Faneca, Woody, Jenkins) and another guy who has never proven anything in the league (Calvin Pace.) Their top pick, Vernon Gohlston, is an athletic freak who doesn’t know how to play football.”
I rest my case.
Week 1 Dolphins: “I see them as being a semi-sleeper this year. Not sleeper playoff caliber, but sleeper 8-8.”
Correct again, although they’re even better than I predicted. Oh, and they’ll kick New York’s ass this weekend to the tune of 31-17. The Jets despise Manboobs, and Favre has already quit. I fucking love it.
BUCCANEERS (12.5) vs Raiders
I didn’t say much about either of these teams in Week 1 other than that I hate them both. Still do.
PACKERS (10.5) vs Lions
Week 1 Packers: “Green Bay will survive the exodus of St. Brett because the rest of the team is better than people think. I’m actually rooting for Aaron Rodgers just to spite all of the Favre ass kissing.”
Way off on this one. They survived losing Favre, but the rest of the team is definitely not better than people think, especially Ryan “Giants 5th String RB” Grant. And while Aaron Rodgers actually does have good stats, he throws at least one absolutely killer pick per game.
C’mon Lions! I still believe.
EAGLES (1.5) vs Cowboys
Week 1 Eagles: “The Eagles are the most overrated team in football.”
Half-right. They’re definitely among the most overrated teams.
I didn’t say anything about Dallas in Week 1 because I hate them so much none of it would be rational. I’ll stick with that this week. But I have to say this game is utterly fascinating on so many levels that it’s nearly impossible to pick. And it would’ve been even that much greater if the Eagles didn’t choke against the Redskins last week. Stupid cunts.
TEXANS (2.5) vs Bears
Week 1 Texans: “Texans could be improved. I like Schaub (if he stays healthy) and their receivers, and Mario Williams is the real deal.”
The Texans started off horribly, but the last few weeks have made this prediction look better than I thought.
Week 1 Bears: “Do I have to say anything other than Kyle Orton?”
Orton started off great, but the last few weeks have made this prediction look better than I thought.
Panthers (2.5) vs SAINTS
Week 1 Panthers: “I love Jake the Snake.”
Week 1 Saints: “New Orleans’ O is going to be good. Hope you tear an ACL Shockey.”
Duh, and not quite, although the Shocker was hurt a ton this year as always.
FALCONS (14.5) vs Rams
I thought both these teams would suck. I’m man enough to admit I’m wrong about the Falcons, but pussy enough to say so was everyone else. Their own GM thought they’d blow too, so stuff it.
Pick: Rams (to cover only)
BENGALS (2.5) vs Chiefs
Week 1 Bengals: “Speaking of soft, meet the Cincinnati Bengals. For a team of world class criminals and scumbags, you’d think they would play tougher. I guess they save it for their women. They’ll disappoint again this year.”
I’m not even going to take credit for this. I just thought it was funny.
Week 1 Chiefs: “Chiefs will suck again.”
Am I a supergenius or what?
RAVENS (11.5) vs Jaguars
Week 1 Ravens: “Every year I expect the Ravens to slip, and they have to a degree, but that D is always tough.”
Unbelievable. Just call me Captain Obvious.
Week 1 Jaguars: “The Jags are for real.”
Yes. If by “for real” you mean “folded like a cheap suit and quit on their coach when they were faced with adversity,” sure, the Jags were for real.
Titans (2.5) vs COLTS
Week 1 Titans: “Titans are a solid, physical team.”
OK, I didn’t make any grand predictions for them, but are they not a solid, physical team? I’d say so. I’m going to pretend I predicted they’d be great this year. Just try to stop me.
STEELERS (10.5) vs Browns
Week 1 Steelers: “Pittsburgh’s offensive line isn’t what it once was, and Big Ben is bound to get hurt again. Seems like they were doing it with smoke and mirrors last season. Call it a hunch, but I see them tailing off a bit this year.”
The hunch was wrong, but I don’t see them going far in the playoffs for just the reasons I wrote above.
Patriots (5.5) vs BILLS
Week 1 Patriots: “The Giants shattered their cloak of invincibility, and New England has a terrible secondary. The Pats will win their division again, but they’re going to have to win a lot of shootouts to get there.”
This whole thing goes out the window because of the Brady injury. But their secondary is still terrible, and they still might win their division, so I kind of rule.
Week 1 Bills: “Bills are going to sneak up on people like OJ surprised Ron and Nicole.”
So true. They DID sneak up on people who trusted them and slashed their throats. Namely Keith and myself.
CARDINALS (5.5) vs Seahawks
Week 1 Cardinals: “Arizona has talent, but they’ll do something to fuck things up before it’s all said and done.”
You’ve gotta give me that one, right?
Week 1 Seahawks: “I hate everything about those frontrunning, glass-jawed Seahawks. Can’t win on the road, and they play in the worst division in football. Also, Matt Hasselbeck’s sister-in-law is The View’s Elizabeth Hasselbeck, whose company I had the distinct displeasure of being in a few days ago. Whereas in the past she was just some idiot TV conservative who I mostly ignored (but wouldn’t mind fucking), now she may be my most hated person on the planet (who I’d definitely still fuck.)”
Check and mate. And while we’re at it, my feelings about Elizabeth Hasselbeck haven’t changed.
49ERS (2.5) vs Redskins
Week 1 Redskins: “Hard as it is to believe, Washington was actually a playoff team last year. How did that happen? I have no idea. This team sucks, the QB sucks, and with a new head coach and offensive system, they will be even worse this year. Jason Taylor should be an upgrade over the dead Sean Taylor, but not by much.”
CHARGERS (8.5) vs Broncos
Week 1 Broncos: “Denver is another team I have an irrational hatred of. I hate Jay Cutler and Mike “The Most Overrated Coach in the NFL” Shanahan.”
Week 1 Chargers: “LaDanian Tomlinson will come back to earth this year, Philip Rivers is a cunt, and Steroid Boy Shawn Merriman is hurt.”
It’s nice to see some things haven’t changed.
Enjoy the games this weekend. I’ll do the same on my brand new HDTV. America, fuck yeah!