Hernandez is still surfing in an ocean of his own salt tears because he got a paper cut from the mailer card out of his latest issue of ‘Readers Digest’. I’m pickin up the slack for the pre-op douchebag.
The mood in New York is a little weird right night now. We have Wall Street collapsing. There’s a guy named Dick Fuld in the news every week or so. We have the Yankees paying $161 million for a pitcher, the richest pitcher contract in history, during this recession. We have the Mets paying $37 million for therapy, because the pitcher they got isn’t going to make them believe in themselves. We’ve got a race for the Lesbian Hillary Clinton’s Senate spot, just when we thought it was safe to forget about politics.
So it seems like *ages* ago that Plaxico Burress shot himself in the leg and got the Giants worrying enough to make poop smores against the Eagles last weekend. Which is cool, because this week, the Giants are travelling to Dallas to do the Texas Testicle 2-step. If you read the headlines this week, Terrell Owens is convinced that his QB and Tight End are working against him, Thomas Newman thinks the coaches aren’t taking ownership of their mistakes, and the Cowboys are falling apart.
I know that’s not much detail. The fact is–it’s ridiculous fun to watch a team you hate fall apart at the seams, especially three weeks before the playoffs. So let’s start this pick week off with a Giants win.
Oh yeah, the Cowboys are favored by 3.5 points. I wish payday had been today, I’d bet my whole paycheck on the Giants.
COWBOYS (3.5) vs. Giants
Pick: Giants
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Hernandez lucked into a win on the Thursday game (saints covering against the bears). If you’re a new york city cable victim, you don’t get the NFL Network. But after a number of weekends and work weekdays searching for Liverpool soccer online, I was able to find the Bears/Saints game, and so I watched my first ever lo-fi football game. It was tremendous. I love that you can steal football games.
Just spitballing–I’m leaving the hard cold analysis to the sickness sack Hernandez. Yo bubble boy–here are the rest of my picks.
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Jets, 7.5 points over the Bills. touh
(Note: That’s as far as I got last night on this post before I went to sleep. I couldn’t let that cogent analysis slip. Now I just need to figure out how to pronounce ‘touh’.)
Pick: Jets
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Jaguars vs. Packers (1.5)
Both of these teams are done. The Packers lost their last three home games to eliminate themselves, and Jaguars RB Fred Taylor announced recently this is the worst team he’s ever been on. Good times, good times.
Now that the Packers have nothing to play for, I’m sure they’ll start performing. Kinda like an ex-girlfriend after you leave her.
Pick: Packers
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Colts (16.5) vs. Lions
Wow. That spread is XXL. The Lions are shooting for a historical season–they could be the first team ever to finish with no wins. This would hopefully mean we’ll never have to see them on Thanksgiving again.
They’ll lose this one too, but I’m hoping it’s only by 13 or 14 points.
Pick: Lions
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Bengals vs. Redskins (6.5)
Ever since the Bengals gave the Giants a scare early this year, I’ve thought they would make the occasional upset as the year went. Now that they’re 1-11-1, I’m starting to think that was a hasty assumption.
Pick: Redskins
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Falcons vs. Buccaneers (2.5)
Two very good teams in a must-win game for Atlanta. Let’s see what Matt Ryan has in the Department of Testicles in this, the biggest game of his life so far.
Pick: Falcons
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Dolphins (6.5) vs. 49ers
The 49ers have been playing fairly well under their new coach Mike Singletary, I’ve read. I just don’t give two shits.
Pick: Dolphins
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Rams vs. Seahawks (3.5)
Ugh. Two 2-11 teams. Cousin Sal from the Kimmel show had the best line for this game – “This is a must-lose game for both teams.”
Pick: Seahawks
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Texans vs. Titans (3.5)
Ok. The Titans are still one of the strongest teams in the AFC. But its starting to feel more apparent that the team coming out of the AFC for the Super Bowl is either in Pittsburgh or Baltimore. I think the Titans are going to lose another game or two this year, and this would be a pretty cool upset, even though I hate just about everything about the city of Houston and the state of Texas.
Pick: Texans
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Ravens (1.5) vs. Steelers
Wow. This game has the potential to be the greatest game of this year. The top two defenses in the league, a game apart in the standings, fighting for first place. If Baltimore wins both teams are 10-4, and I’m not sure how the tiebreaker works right now — the rules are more complicated than the game of football itself. Also, this could very conceivably be a preview for the AFC Championship game which could very well be hosted in the city of the team that wins this game.
I, myself, detest Ben Roethlisberger with a passion. The Steelers’ offensive line is definitely not what they used to be, so their running game has fallen off. Naturally in an offense set like that you’d want a QB who can get rid of the ball quickly, or who can at least scramble and give himself time. Roethlisberger does neither. He just sits there in the pocket until one of his receivers gets open, or he goes down. Also, he looks like a retarded Will Ferrell, who also looks like a retarded Will Ferrell.
I’ll be rooting for about 25 sacks of the QB in this one.
Pick: Ravens
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Panthers (7.5) vs. Broncos
This spread is uncomfortably high, and the Panthers are no doubt looking ahead to next Sunday when they come to Giants stadium for my second ever NFL football game, also again with Hernandez. But with a slim one-game lead, this is still an important game for them. The Panthers also play very well at home. I have no idea what I’m talking about. Big cats beat horsies?
Pick: Panthers
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Chiefs vs. Chargers (5.5)
Enough with the San Diego Chargers. I keep checking their schedule in the hopes that rather than an NFL team they’ll be facing a firing squad on an upcoming Sunday. San Diego sounds like a nice place, and I hope that after they blow a game against the terrible Chiefs, they get their pisschrist of a coach Norv Turner fired.
People disparaged Eli Manning and called him a prima donna for insisting he wouldn’t play in San Diego after they drafted him earlier this decade. And looking at what’s transpired there since, I can think of one word to characterize Eli after his controversial decision: RIGHT.
Pick: Chiefs
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Cardinals (5.5) vs. Vikings
The Cardinals have locked up the terrible NFC West, so they don’t really need to fight for this one. But since Arizona playoff appearances happen about as often as comet sightings or good Coldplay concerts, I think they’re going to play their butts off. The Vikings don’t match up well, either. They’re good up front, but they can’t cover the Cardinals’ receivers.
Pick: Cardinals
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Raiders vs. Patriots (7.5)
No one knows what will happen here. Pats QB Matt Cassell, already under the media magnifying glass all year lost his father this week, and only practiced with the team once. This is one of those situations where you can see the football players-as-warriors analogy: Cassell’s teammates will play their asses off for him, and he’ll play an amazing game in his father’s memory. This is what happened when Brett Favre lost his father, he played arguably the best game of his 72-year career.
On the other hand, it could be a day where he doesn’t feel like being at work because he has much more important things on his mind.
I believe in him. I also believe that the Raiders are hellbound shit scallops wrapped in shit bacon.
Pick: Patriots
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Eagles (14.5) vs. Browns
Poor Browns. 3rd string QB against one of the hottest teams in the NFL.
Pick: Eagles
I'm Keith Hernandez! 