Olympic hero and massive dork Michael Phelps has been suspended from competitive swimming for three months and stripped of his Kellogg’s endorsement because he was caught on camera beating up his girlfriend. No wait, it was because he pulled a gun on someone in a strip club. Damn, that’s not it either! DWI? Naaah. He’s actually being punished because he was caught smoking pot.
This is ri-fucking-diculous. Not to mention hypocritical. Does Kellogg’s have ANY idea how much money they make off stoners with the munchies? The number probably can’t be calculated, but I’d bet it’s ginormous just off Pop-Tarts alone. Way to piss off a huge segment of your customer base during a recession, Kellogg’s! Hopefully Tony the Tiger pulls Snap, Krackle and Pop out of his ass someday and lightens the fuck up.
I was sure this story would blow over quickly, but here we are five days later and it’s still all over the news. C’mon people – it’s not like anyone gives a shit about swimming anyway! Don’t pretend like you do.
Is anyone really bothered by the fact that Phelps drank beer and did some bong hits while on a trip to the University of South Carolina to score with some hot sorority cooze? Probably not. You know who SHOULD be outraged? The asshole narc who snapped that photo, because you just know Phelps cashed that shit in one hit. The dude’s got nearly superhuman lung capacity! Definitely one guy I’d never want to smoke with.
And for all the hand-wringing pussies out there claiming to care about this b.s. scandal, take note that the photo was taken months BEFORE Phelps’ Olympic heroics, proving that he didn’t do any damage to his body by smoking the evil weed. So what’s the big fucking deal?
FREE MICHAEL PHELPS!
FREE MICHAEL PHELPS!
I'm Keith Hernandez! 
