According to the Sports Guy’s league sources, the NBA is in deep doo-doo financially, and there’s a strong possibility a few franchises will soon have to move to remain viable. There’s even talk of the dreaded C word – contraction, not cunt, although it IS fun to type cunt. NBA Commissioner David Stern is deeply against the idea, which is understandable, because no one wants to be the guy in charge of a league that’s shrinking. A commissioner’s whole mandate is to expand as much as possible. But that mandate has gone too far over the years (I’m looking at your weasly ass Gary Bettman), and leagues have become bloated with suckass teams in unworkable, unrealistic markets. Sorry folks, but apart from Andy Reid’s waistline and Oprah Winfrey’s ego, nothing can expand forever. Commissioners have always fought contraction crooked teeth and dirty nails, but now they’ve got a perfect cover story; the shitty economy. If these leagues can’t drop a few deadweight franchises now, it’s never going to happen.
In the long run contraction would ultimately be better for the owners’ bottom line AND for fans. Competition would increase because you’d have more good players on fewer teams, and we wouldn’t have to pretend to care about places like Oklahoma City and Columbus that aren’t worth two shits. That’s a win-win, baby. It’s with this charitable spirit in mind that I’m going to make some suggestions on which teams should be dropped from the NBA, NHL and MLB. I’m leaving the NFL out of this because I like it just the way it is.
- New Jersey Nets: They have no fans, no history, and they play in a fetid, disgusting swamp in New Jersey. Thankfully their deal to move to my hood in Brooklyn has fallen through. Now let’s put them out of their misery once and for all.
- Toronto Raptors: Seems like a nice enough city, but Canada is just too white for the NBA. Can’t they just play Canadian rules basketball, where the court is 20 feet longer and 10 feet narrower, three-pointers count for 2.5 points, body checking is allowed and Wally Szczerbiak would wind up a five-time MVP?
- Charlotte Hornets Bobcats: Their sister-fucking fans really only care about college hoops. And there should be some sort of rule where if a franchise fails in a city, you can’t get another one for 25 years. Also, Michael Jordan would not be allowed anywhere near the team’s front office.
- Oklahoma City Thunder: Fuck these fuckers in their fuckhole for taking basketball away from a real city like Seattle. Can’t they just be happy with their barren, flat land; serial killers; hot, cornfed cooze and college football?
- Los Angeles Clippers: LA is a Lakers town, and even their fans are fair weather. A shitty sports city like that doesn’t deserve two NBA franchises. When you’re an LA team and Billy Crystal is your biggest celebrity fan, you shouldn’t exist anymore.
- Sacramento Kings: Even people in California don’t visit Sacramento.
- Memphis Grizzlies: Never heard of them. Is this team even part of the NBA? What state is Memphis in anyway?
- New York Islanders: Three NHL teams in the tri-state area is ridiculous. And if losing this franchise makes Long Islanders feel even worse about themselves than they already do for living in that cesspool, bonus!
- The entire Southeast Division (Florida Panthers, Carolina Hurricanes, Atlanta Thrashers, Tampa Bay Lightning), except for the Washington Capitals, who can take the Islanders place in the Atlantic Division: This one should be self-explanatory. If it’s not, I’ll give you a hint; it’s the heat, you stupid fuck.
- Columbus Blue Jackets: …crickets….
- Nashville Predators: This is a joke, right?
- Dallas Stars: On principle, because everything about Dallas sucks. More importantly, they’re extremely similar to the Oklahoma City Thunder, only in this case it was a shitty city stealing a legendary team – the North Stars – from Minnesota, which is only the hotbed of hockey in the United States. Unforgivable. And Brett Hull’s skate was definitely illegally in the crease when he scored that Stanley Cup-winning goal. I hate these guys.
- San Jose Sharks: San Jose has a team and Winnipeg doesn’t? God hates Canada.
- Anaheim Ducks: Should be contracted just because of their made-up Disney name. The absolute worst.
- Los Angeles Kings: Wayne Gretzky put this franchise on the map when he was traded there. They should’ve folded as soon as he left, because he’s the only history they’ve got.
- Phoenix Coyotes: There’s just no way around it – hockey in the desert is fucking stupid.
- Tampa Bay Rays: I don’t care if they made the World Series last year; they still have no real fans and no real tradition. And if you’ve ever read an NFL picks post on this site, you know that I think Tampa is the worst place on the face of the earth. Cut ’em loose.
- Texas Rangers: We tried this professional baseball thing for a while, but it just didn’t take. It’s ok, they still worship college baseball there, and no one in Texas will notice when you’re gone.
- Washington Nationals: After the last few years I’m beginning to figure out why they didn’t have a Major League team for 40+ years.
- Florida Marlins: See Tampa.
- Atlanta Braves: This one will be controversial, but any team that can’t consistently sell out playoff games doesn’t deserve to have a team. Atlanta fans define front runners.
So there’s my list of who should be contracted. Feel free to offer your suggestions in the comments.
***The logo pictured above is the Atlanta Thrashers’. And you’re bullshitting me if you say you knew it without looking it up first.***