The headline writers at the New York Post are legendary for good reason. Today’s front page was classic: Not So Fast You Greedy Bastards, referring to the AIG circlejerk . But the back page was spectacular: Wright Saves World.
Of course, that one was about Mets third baseman David Wright’s game-winning, bottom-of-the-ninth hit against Puerto Rico to advance in the World Baseball Classic. Good on him. As a Mets fan, I’m ecstatic about it. As a sports fan, not as much. There may be some towheaded young kid reading this on Bleacher Report right now saying, “Huh?” (I’m sure they’re also saying, “Why doesn’t this post have a picture of Christina Hendricks’ tits?” too, but that’s another story.) Let me explain in polite, inoffensive terms palatable to oversensitive sports fans.
The WBC doesn’t mean shit to me. It’s brand new, it’s contrived, it’s played at the wrong time of the year, and it can only do harm. Don’t think so? Ask Yankee fans what they think about Robinson Cano and Damaso Marte injuring their shoulders playing for the Dominican, or Red Sox Nation about how thrilled they are that Dustin Pedroia got hurt playing for Uncle Sam. On second thought, don’t ask either of those fan bases what they think, because the rest of the country is sick of those arrogant assholes.
The point is, these games are utterly meaningless, and I resent being asked to care about them. When Oliver Perez is throwing 85 pitches for Mexico, which has no chance of winning the WBC, and Carlos Beltran is leaping over fences to rob home runs like he did last night, they’re endangering their prospects of staying healthy for their real employer, Bernie Madoff. I mean the Mets!
(Put it in the books right now that I’m already blaming the Mets not winning the World Series once again this year on owner Fred Wilpon’s inability to afford Manny Ramirez because he lost millions to Madoff. Blaming the Jews is a time-tested strategy.)
About the only thing I DO care about regarding the WBC is that Wright knocked in the winner last night, proving once again how great he is. As if anyone needed convincing. Maybe some did, but not me. I wish he weren’t playing in this crapfest, but since his dad is a cop and he goes for all that patriotic, rah-rah bullshit, he couldn’t wait to wear the red, white and blue. So you can be damn sure I want him to play well while he’s there.
Wright is peaking at the right time, both athletically and sexually. He’s way behind Derek Jeter in the number of starlets banged, but he’s better looking and still has time to catch up. And Mariah Carey’s married now, so he won’t be making the same mistake the sainted one did. I’d never be able to forgive him if he went there.
On the field Wright is definitely twice the player Mr. Overrated is. Jeter should be thankful Wright saved his ass from being the goat last night, because the shortstop let two balls go by him that any decent Major Leaguer or Dominican fifth-grader would’ve gotten to. The man simply cannot make plays to his left. Captain Clutch is also hitting a whopping .263 for the tournament so far, to go along with his zero home runs and zilch RBI’s. Hope you get the mega contract extension you’re hoping for after the season, Pretty Boy.
To sum up, David Wright = good. WBC = bad. Derek Jeter = washed up. Mariah Carey = skank. Bernie Madoff = prison bitch.
Yeah, that about covers it.