Well hey, Casanovaginas!
You may need to read that twice. It’s really better to say out loud–now that I think about it, it looks a lot like Casino Vaginas, which was not what I was trying to get across at all, and I duly apologize to any casino vaginas currently residing out there. Try this — Casanova(gina)s. Any better?
I was hoping to skip over here during the week and talk about something, anything really. Like the fact that Champions League soccer started again this week and defending champions Barcelona wore pink uniforms against top Italian squad Inter Milan. (I’ll tell you right now, that takes some serious balls. You’ll never see NFL players do that, and you know why? Because they’re huge pussies, afraid of their manhood. That’s why they wear so many pads.)
But work was a bitch this week and kept me far from the stocked cooler that is IKH. So bad, in fact, that my company bought some beers and pissed away the end of the week in our kitchen/lounge.
As is usually the case in these Friday afternoon sessions, the guys are congregated, and the women cower in the corners, or hide in their cubicles so as to avoid sexual assault. One of their rank bravely approached the kitchen at 5:00 to announce she was heading to Vegas for an extended vacation with her husband. A very bold move, considering the audience and the alcohol intake.
One of the guys coolly suggested she visit the Spearmint Rhino while she was there, and that her husband would really enjoy it. Now I’m not a big Vegas guy, nor were the majority of the other guys in the room, but it’s so obvious just from the name that the Spearmint Rhino is a strip club. (And frankly, a pretty gay sounding one.)
But as we sat there, I realized that there is a winning formula for naming a strip club. It’s very similar to coming up with your Porn Name–your first name is your first pet and your last name is the street you grew up on. Mine is Rusty Hazelwood, which is a fucking awesome porn name. I have a friend from Germany whose porn name is about 10 syllables long, and is the funniest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.
But like I said, the formula for the strip club is this: Flavor + Animal. You can’t go wrong. For the next two hours, my coworkers and I came up with 75-100 skin joint names that would do great business in a cesspool like Vegas, or our kitchen. So I thought I’d roll them out with my Week 2 picks, in case there are any horny entrepreneurs out there. Or, as I like to call them…Casino Vaginas.
First let’s look at Week 1. I went a paltry 8-8, which I expected to do. I don’t follow football as closely as Hernandez does, and a few good teams underperformed in Week 1, which is always understandable.
But it turns out that Hernandez really put a buttbug in the bed with his 6-10 performance. Holy hell, I’m ahead in this race! Which makes me realize that Hernandez and I need to decide what the prize is this year. Suddenly, my interest is piqued, as I don’t think I led at all last year. (Mex, how’d you do?)
So let’s get to this week’s picks. And for each pick, I will recommend a flavor/animal strip club name.
Texans at Titans (6.5)
Strip club: THE PEPPERMINT HIPPOS
The Houston Texans have been sitting on a team-waiting-to-happen mushroom that has become a mushroom cloud. They have some offensive potential, but a terrible defense and no track record. Meanwhile, they’re playing a Tennessee team that nearly beat the Super Bowl champion Steelers on the road. The Titans are pissed, and should blow out the Texans.
Lions at Vikings (9.5)
All these football fans love to talk about how great football is. There’s nothing to love about the shittiest team in the league leaving Detroit to head to Minnesota where Brett Favre has ruined his name. Everyone who ends up at this game should know there are $2.50 well drinks and $1.50 lap dances at The Mentholated Skunk after the game. For fuck’s sake.
Bengals at Packers (9.5)
Like Hernandez said last week, a few too many people have picked the Packers to go to the Super Bowl this year (and by too many I mean ‘one’.) This team is supremely talented, and they’re my good friend Fitz’s favorite team. Really, all it takes for me to root for this team is one neckbreaking tackle on wide receiver Donald Driver, who spends his Wednesday nights at The Chocolate Seahorse.
But I’m a big believer in the Letdown Theory, which applies here. The Packers won a high-profile highly-fought contest against the Chicago Bears last week, their toughest division rival. They should win this game, but The Chocolate Seahorse has some sick-ass drink specials, so they’ll eke this one out.
Raiders at Chiefs (3)
It’s getting kind of depressing picking all the Midwest-hosted games first. That’s because I’m from St. Louis, and my parents are from Kansas and Nebraska. I’ve driven all over the Midwest and there are no Spearmint Rhinos–there are converted Denny’s sitting in tall weeds in shitty strip malls with names like ‘Adult Book Club Store’ and ‘Nude Bar’.
That’s why I like the Raiders in this game. They’re coming from the West Coast, so they know how to party. I think they’ll bring their own strippers on the charter jet and win this game. You know which strippers I’m talking about–the skanks from the Licorice Zebra.
Eagles at Saints – Pick ’em
It hurts me and tickles me to see that the Eagles are still considered one of the elite teams in the NFC. They are a strong team, yes. But hot-pink wearing QB Donovan McNabb has decided he’s hurt after Week 1, and the reports go back and forth in the media that he’ll play, he won’t play, etc. I’m sure ESPN is drooling at the asshole that dogkiller Michael Vick will get a chance to play QB, but Philly went and signed IKH favorite Jeff Garcia this week.
You know what? It really doesn’t matter. I first became aware of the Philadelphia Eagles in 1981 when they lost the Super Bowl to the Raiders. And ever since that point, they’ve never had any worthwhile wide receiver. It’s been 28 years.
So Donovan? Relax with your perennial injury, at least until your fat Michelin man of a coach and front office gets you a wide receiver. Let’s go hang out at the Garlic Nuthatch and shoot some pool. And by ‘pool’, I mean ‘strippers’. And by ‘shoot’, I mean ‘find some 50s in your wallet and offer them up to skanky South Jersey hookers while your mom’s Campbell Soup ad plays on the closed-circuit TV.’
Rams at Redskins (10)
I don’t give a shit about this game, but this is one of my favorite names we came up with tonight. And with all these names, put yourself through two scenarios:
(1) You’re at the club, and you’re trying to get your friends there. They’re at some other loud bar, so you have to yell the name repeatedly into the phone.
(2) You’re at the club, and your significant other calls. She’s a ballbreaker, and you know your best way out is total honesty.
In either case, you say the following:
“I’m at the Oregano Mule.”
Patriots (4) at Jets
Preseason, everyone loved the Patriots because Tom Brady is back. And that’s an easy call to decipher–Tom Brady has gotten Bridget Moynihan and Gisele Bundchen pregnant. He’s also won three Super Bowl rings, and still gets his ass kicked by 300 pound defensive linemen each week. He’s earned his pussy.
The thing about the Patriots is that their defense absolutely sucks. It’s fucking preposterously bad. That doesn’t necessarily matter–yes, their Candyland defense made the Buffalo Bills look like a legitimate team on Monday night, but when push came to shove, the Pats came through on offense. They are as strong a team offensively as the team that the Giants knocked off in the Super Bowl two years ago (Hi Mex), but they are nowhere near the same team defensively.
Meanwhile, the Jets have one of the 6 or 7 best defenses in the league. They have a strong running game. They also have rookie QB Mark Sanchez, who had a great game against the Houston Texans in his first ever start. I’m sure part of it was that Houston has big gaping holes in their defense; the kind of holes you’d ask the whores at the Sharp Cheddar Porcupine to fit another finger into on your hard-earned dollar.
Still, I expect Sanchez to get wound up at his home debut.
Buccaneers at Bills (5)
Don’t care about this one at all. I’m sure Buffalo is pillow-biting after their pathetic meltdown against the Patriots last week. And frankly, Buffalo only has one strip club: The Vanilla Mouse.
Cardinals at Jaguars (3.5)
The Arizona Cardinals were in last year’s Super Bowl and after crapping the rollaway cot last week and embarrassingly sneaking the sheets down to the Ecuadorian concierge for an overnight washing are already favored to lose to a middling team from the kidney region of Florida. What the fuck happened to you guys?
Oh, I remember. You all spent the offseason at The Raspberry Jellyfish. Good luck with your fruit-flavored STDs.
Seahawks at 49ers (1.5)
This game’s in San Francisco. Go to The Cinnamon Weasel.
Steelers (3) at Bears
I have to admit–the Steelers win against the Titans at home on Opening Day of this NFL season was absolutely legit. I *hate* the Steelers. I know they’re Super Bowl champs, but I think they’re one of the dumbest-playing teams in the league.
Yet, at the same time, they have one of the smartest coaches in the league in Mike Tomlin. He may not be the greatest strategist, but he is the best motivator and in-game tactician I have seen coach. I root for Mike Tomlin–he’s an absolutely incredible coach.
That doesn’t matter in this case. Once the Steelers get to Chicago and park their 300 pound asses at The Creamy Otter, their shit is done.
And let me just say–it took 3 hours and 200 names to come up with something as disgusting as The Creamy Otter. So you’re welcome.
Ravens at Chargers (3.5)
How do I follow up the Creamy Otter? That’s about as good a name as I’m going to come up with. And yet, the Ravens/Chargers is the best AFC game of the week. I have to come up with something.
This game is going to kick some serious ass. I expect the Chargers to win, but I’m pulling for the Ravens, who remain one of the most underrated teams in the NFL. We’ll talk about it over guaco dip at the Cumin Titmouse.
Browns at Broncos (3.5)
Cleveland vs. Denver. Ohio vs. Colorado. Boredom vs. Mountainous Boredom.
Strip Club: The Vinegar Cow
Colts (3) at Dolphins
Last week, Hernandez predicted the Colts would fall off the face of the earth while the Dolphins would rise to the top of the surf, and swim with those cute dolphin smiles. Well, not exactly. But he’s half right–the Colts aren’t a powerhouse anymore. And he’s also wrong–the Dolphins aren’t making the playoffs this year after pulling off the Wildcat offense for half a year. Ask the Knicks how the pick and roll is going to work this year.
Anyway, Hernandez would like to take this moment to announce that he gets all his body work done at The Sugar-Glazed Ocelot. He’ll be handing out coupons this weekend. I don’t know what the fuck for.
Giants at Cowboys (3)
This is what I’ve been waiting for all column. This is why I look forward to littering the Internet with angry opinions and strip club names.
Apparently somewhere in the United States, someone considers the Dallas Cowboys a better team than the New York Giants.
I recognize that the Giants’ defense isn’t entirely healthy this week. But I’ll tell you right now…the Giants are going to humiliate the Cowboys on Sunday night. It may be a tight game, don’t get me wrong. But there is no way in hell that Dallas wins this game.
There’s no strip club associated with this game. Unless of course they reopened the Shittaste Retardpeach across the street from the stadium.