Of Punts and Pussy: Hernandez Week 2 Picks

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I loved Keith’s strip club post, but was a little disappointed he didn’t provide any raunchy photos to illustrate it. If there was ever a time to post T&A on IKH, this was it. It increases traffic to our site tenfold AND it makes my dick hard, which is a win-win for…well, me. A missed opportunity, but I’ll let it slide because The Creamy Otter is genius.

I’ve never been a strip joint guy myself. I’ve only ever been a handful of times, and it’s always unfulfilling. The whole dynamic seems cruel, and I mean to me, not the strippers. Something about not being able to fuck these women really sticks in my craw. Anyway, the only mildly interesting anecdote I have about a strip club is the first time I ever visited one. I was a sophomore in college just starting his first internship at a local television news station in Boston. The station sucked, but the internship was amazing because I basically worked as a reporter, going out with a cameraman to do interviews for our nightly news.

On one of my first days we got word of a triple murder/suicide somewhere north of the city and went to check it out. A guy had walked in on his girl doing some other dude, and he killed both of them and then himself. After asking around we were told off the record – gotta love the police – that the dead chick had been a stripper at a place in Rhode Island, the Mecca of strip clubs in the Northeast. (I realize that’s a little like saying Olive Garden is the Mecca of Italian restaurants in Cedar Rapids, but you get the drift.)

You know what comes next: we decide to go to the strip club to try to get some reaction from the victims co-workers. I walked into The Satin Doll trying as hard as I could not to act like a 19-year-old who had never been inside such a place. Didn’t happen. I managed to get a few questions in with the manager and the bartender, but the rest of the time was spent staring, mouth open, at the naked titties. I wanted so badly to be the hardened detective, like Gene Hackman in The French Connection. Instead I was more like Gene the Stock Boy at French Connection. On the plus side, I WAS pretty hardened.

So where does that leave us in terms of Week 2 of the NFL season? I have no fucking clue. Transitions are overrated anyway, and we’ve got a season to talk about.

Congrats to Keith for besting me to start the year. To answer his question, I believe he led for a week or two mid-season after I cooled off from a hot start. But I nipped him in the end, proving the old cliche that a football season is a marathon, not a sprint. Which is really good to know because there’s no way I can run a sprint with all this beer and Mexican food in me.

Before I start my picks, can I just say that this was one of the best first weekends of football ever? I predicted an amazing season in my Week 1 picks post, and holy christ did we get off to a good start! Titans/Steelers, Pats/Bills, Chargers/Raiders, Packers/Bears and Giants/Redskins were all entertaining as hell, and those are just the games I actually watched. Not many teams roll over and die in this league. Which brings me to my first pick…

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Texans at Titans (6.5)

The Texans rolled over and died at home against the Jets this past weekend. The fucking Jets!!! That’s pathetic.  This is how you kick off the campaign that is finally going to make you relevant as a franchise? Nice try pussies. As you’ll see below, I’m not about to overreact to Week 1 results, but this one was damning. I haven’t exactly been on the Texans bandwagon anyway, but if I had been, I’d have broken a fibula or two jumping off by now.

Pick: Titans

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Lions at Vikings (9.5)

Matt Stafford has a gun, Detroit has some semblance of a gameplan, and it’s a divisional game, which are usually closer than expected. I’m going out on a limb here and saying that the Lions are not only covering, they’re winning outright. Crazy? Sure. But this losing streak has to end somewhere.

(Just to be clear: For the purposes of IKH’s scoring, the pick is against the spread only. If Detroit covers in a loss I don’t want to hear that I missed the pick because I said they’d win. If you have objections tell someone who gives a shit.)

Pick: Lions

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Bengals at Packers (9.5)

I still think Cincy’s defense is good, and they have the QB and receivers to make plays on offense. They just didn’t make any last week. I’m still on them as a solid team, and I think they’ll at least cover against the Pack, who confirmed my suspicions that they’re being overhyped by the media. Their passing game is really good, but their running and offensive line play are pretty bad.

Pick: Bengals

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Raiders at Chiefs (3)

I have no real opinion on this one, so I’ll go with a safe pick of the home team covering. Can’t go wrong with that usually. Both of these teams looked decent in Week 1 and could be on the mild upswing.

Pick: Chiefs

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Saints at Eagles (Pick Em)

Don’t mind if I do!

Pick: Saints

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Rams at Redskins (10)

Spags HAS to be better than this. I can feel it. Remember, his first  year as Giants defensive coordinator they gave up 85 points in the first two games, then went on to win the Super Bowl that same season. That won’t happen with St. Louis because they don’t have the talent the Giants did, but he’ll eventually figure out what works. Hopefully enough this week that they can at least cover against a team that can’t make explosive plays on offense because of their play-it-safe coach and their awful QB. I was at Giants/Redskins last week, and I can tell you firsthand that Jason Campbell looks even worse in person than he does on TV. He has zero pocket awareness. Sure, the Giants have an amazing pass rush, but even when they didn’t come close to him he was getting happy feet and checking down to his 4th option. Please, Redskins fans, tell me one more time that we have to cut this guy some slack because his offensive coordinator changes every year? The common denominator is Campbell.

Pick: Rams

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Patriots (4) at Jets

Bad matchup my ass. Brady torches the overconfident Jets, riding a wave of confidence from the miracle comeback and the fact that he’s absolutely owned the Jets, along with a burning desire to quell the shittalking from Kerry Rhodes and Rex “Fat Fuck” Ryan. New England has issues on D, but New York won’t be able to capitalize. I can’t wait for this one.

Pick: Patriots

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Buccaneers at Bills (5)

Yawn. Derrick Ward is about the only thing I like about either of these two teams.

Pick: Bills

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Cardinals at Jaguars (3.5)

I feel weird picking Arizona because I believe Jacksonville might be half-decent (I said half) and the Cardinals never play well on the East Coast. But my gut tells me Fitzgerald and Boldin will make a few big plays in this one. Or maybe it’s just the homemade fajitas and Modelo Especial talking. Out of my fiery anus.

Pick: Cardinals

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Seahawks at 49ers (1.5)

This one is a mortal lock. I don’t care that Seattle won 28-0 in Week 1 – they’re still soft. San Francisco is a tough, no nonsense team. I made them my sleeper this year, and a road win against the defending NFC champs last week didn’t hurt my cause. Although actually picking against them in that game did. Fuck me!

Pick: 49ers

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Steelers (3) at Bears

Steelers were lucky as all hell to get out of Week 1 with a win. It seems like I say that every week, doesn’t it? Keith is absolutely right about how dumb they play, btw. It amazes me they pull out as many victories as they do. The dominant defense masks the fact that their offense is wildly inconsistent. The most logical explanation is that Coach Omar Epps has made a pact with the devil. Still, I’ll take them over the massively overrated Bears. Cuntler throws three more picks and this is a laugher by the lake.

Pick: Steelers

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Ravens at Chargers (3.5)

The fake LT is out with another phantom injury, which means Haloti Ngata will literally eat Darren Sproles alive and shit him out all over the field at the conclusion of the game.

Pick: Ravens

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Browns at Broncos (3.5)

I’m actually leaning towards Cleveland being the worst team in the league this year. A lack of talent + players absolutely quitting on Coach Mangenius = 3-13.

Pick: Broncos

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Colts (3) at Dolphins

Glad to see Keith and I agree the Colts are done as a serious contender. Now here’s where my rep is on the line, and I don’t feel so good putting it in the hands of noodle arm Chad Pennington. I stand behind my belief that the Dolphins will be good this year. Not 11-5, division-winning good like last year, but still a solid 9-7  or 10-6 team. Their bad performance in Atlanta hasn’t changed anything in my eyes. As bad as it was, they still completely shut down Atlanta’s vaunted running game. Miami is strong along both lines, and that’s why I feel they’ll be competitive again this year. The problem is QB. Pennington needs everything to break right for him to be successful, and it did last season. It probably won’t again, which is why I think they may need to see what they have in Chad Henne. Like I said last week, I always have faith in Parcells. It’ll never waver.

Pick: Dolphins

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Giants at Cowboys (3)

Anyone who follows sports even the slightest bit has heard about the monstrosity recently built down in Texas. To be fair, that rules out three quarters of the guys who Keith and I regularly hang out with, so allow me a second to explain. The new Cowboys Stadium opens Sunday night, and it’s a shiny new monument to owner and monumental asshole Jerry Jones. Since everything’s bigger in Texas – especially the fucktardery – the most talked about new feature is the world’s biggest HD screen that hangs 90 feet over the field. Very cool.

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The problem is, in the first preseason game held in the new digs, Tennessee punter AJ Trapasso hit the scoreboard with a kick. Whoops! It turns out AJ (a scrub who was subsequently cut, btw) was routinely rocketing kicks off the board during warmups too, making a mockery of Jones’ laughable claims that the board wouldn’t ever interfere with play. The whole incident forced the NFl to come up with a brand new rule on the fly; we’ll call it the Jerry Rule. If a ball hits the scoreboard during play the play is ruled dead and the down is replayed. Unbelievable! It took over a billion dollars to build a new stadium that is so fucked up it’s forced the league to play by street rules where “do-overs” are required. I hear next the players will be asked to stop to allow passing cars to drive across the field, and to count to at least three Mississippi’s before rushing the QB.

As for this game, sure I’m being a homer, but I don’t think it will be close. The Giants were definitely rusty in Week 1, but they’re fired up for Sunday night in the new stadium and will put together a dominating performance on both sides of the line of scrimmage, causing the Cowgirls to curl up into the fetal position as always. The only thing sweeter than that will be if someone hits that fucking scoreboard with a punt. And you’ll have a better chance of finding a black, lesbian, illegal immigrant Jew in Dallas than you will of finding a reaction shot of Jerry on his precious HD screen.

Pick: Giants

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