Two hours to Sunday gametime? What? As I foggily wipe my drool away, I must postpone the mammoth post I had planned for this week and get to my picks.
But first let’s take a realllllly close look at the score after week 3. I pulled off an *amazing* week of picks, going 15 and 1, and I missed the Monday night game. I was this close to having a perfect week. A coworker said that if I had bet $20 on a 12-team teaser (all teams must win), his bookie offers, he wasn’t sure if I would’ve been rich or killed.
Hernandez, meanwhile, with his belief that Dolphins can play football, went a paltry 7-9. For shame! Losing to the soccer fan! Stop watching preseason hockey and the Disney Channel and start paying attention.
I’m now up 34-14 to 23-25. Good start, me.
Lions at Bears (-10)
The Lions finally broke their winless streak last week against the Redskins, and several ugly overweight men from Detroit probably got laid without having to spend as much. But it’s a new Sunday, and time for a new losing streak.
Bengals (-6) at Browns
Cleveland is slowly learning what New York knows: (1) Cleveland is a *terrible* place to live, and (2) hiring Eric Mangini as their head coach was a *terrible* idea.
Raiders at Texans (9)
I can’t figure this Raiders team out, because I never watch them, because they’re terrible. I’d have to watch them to figure out how terrible, which would be like running out of beer at a party, then checking 70-80 unclaimed cans for a warm ounce of undrunk Keystone light mixed with roofie saliva.
Seahawks at Colts (10.5)
I think this line is too high. The Colts will probably win 11-0 or 13-2 to prove me wrong.
Titans (3) at Jaguars
What’s going on in Tennessee? The Titans, after losing a heartbreaker on the opening day of the season to Pittsburgh looked sharp, but have lost their next two. It turns out that the Super Bowl champ Steelers who we thought were tough in that opening day battle aren’t that good themselves, as *they’ve* dropped their next 2.
Tennessee had the best record in the league last year. That doesn’t mean much, but going 0-4? Come on. Meanwhile, Jacksonville will continue to prove that ‘best NFL team in Florida’ means jack shit.
Giants (9) at Chiefs
Like I told Hernandez last night at Springsteen, this game had better be boring, with the Giants winning comfortably. Standing on the field at Giants Stadium last night was pretty awe-inspiring: now I know how Eli Manning feels when he steps back to pass, and spills beer all over a drunken Cougar at a Springsteen show.
Ravens at Patriots (1.5)
The Ravens have so far played like the team to beat in the AFC. I like the Ravens taking the Pats down at home in this New England autumn contest. Speaking of which:
(In the most recent post on this blog, Hernandez posted a picture of New England’s autumn at its most Vasoline-y. What no one but me realizes is that it’s actually a photorealist painting done by none other than Hernandez himself. He talks tough, but he’s got a sensitive side–what his wife likes to call his ‘Ponyboy’ side. Stay gold, Hernandez.)
Buccaneers at Redskins (7.5)
How bad is Tampa Bay? Their rookie head coach has less than one year of qualified experience. Right before the season began, they fired their offensive coordinator. And in Week 3, they benched their starting quarterback. They have *no* fucking idea which ass end is up.
The Redskins just lost to the Lions, for cupcakes sake, and they’re still favored by 7.5. They only scored 9 in Week 2! I still say they stomp. <shudder>
Bills (1.5) at Dolphins
Once again, Dolphins QB Chad Pennington is doing what he does best to give his team a chance to win — he’s sitting on the bench with a herniated vagina. I don’t think the Dolphins are that great either, but then the Bills can always be counted on for a half-d0zen monkeycrap games during a season.
Saints (7) vs. Jets
See the picture above. You have the best quarterback Drew Brees going against a little spic of a Jet in rookie Mark Sanchez. Does anyone know if he’s Mexican? Because that would work really well with me drawing a parallel between him running 3-4 yards past the line of scrimmage to complete a pass last week only to have it called back, and the time his family tried to sneak into the USA only to get thrown back into Mexico.
Have fun out there today, rook.
Alright, it’s 1’o clock: Last 4 picks:
Broncos (+3) at home vs. the hated Cowboys with their top 2 Running backs on the bench and Qb Tony Romo (anagram: Moron Toy) still struggling to find success.
Niners (9.5) vs Rams. Does it matter against the Rams that the 49ers talented RB Frank Gore is out? Of course not.
Chargers (+6.5) at the Steelers. No idea who will win this one, but I think it should be close.
Packers (+3.5) at the Vikings. Here’s a fun drinking game to play to this one.
(1) Take a cooler, chair and TV up to the roof.
(2) Anytime someone mentions Brett Favre when he’s not actually involved in the action, shoot a stranger on the street with a sniper rifle.
(3) Drink slowly and consistently throughout. Binge drinking will not help your aim.