Cokepourri!

Keith’s baseball pet peeves list  got me thinking, “Hey, what if I can’t come up with a unique topic for a post either? Can I just make up a list of random shit like he did?” The answer is yes, I can, and to make it even more random I won’t limit myself to baseball. Also, it won’t be nearly as funny as his list. But what else is new? I can’t top Tim McCarver giving Derek Jeter a Ricola blowjob, and neither can you.

No 1. – March Madness

Was this the worst NCAA tournament of all time, or just one of the worst? I say the worst. There was only one memorable game in the entire tournament, and it was when Pittsburgh beat… jeez, it’s on the tip of my tongue… well, someone on a last-second buzzer beater to make the Great 8. Two weeks later I honestly can’t remember who they beat, so it obviously wasn’t an instant classic. There weren’t very many upsets overall, no unforgettable games, and most of the margins were double-digit, including all of the Final Four and the snoozefest that was the championship game.

Really, North Carolina won? The team everyone picked in the preseason because they had the most talented team in the country, the team that seemed headed for an undefeated season at one point before coasting to the regular season finish line? There’s no fun in that. This follows last year’s tournament when all four No. 1 seeds made the Final Four for the first time ever. Uh oh – this is becoming a little too much like the Premiership, where you know going in that some combination of Chelsea, Liverpool, Manchester United and Arsenal are going to be at the top of the table every season. That’s why the EPL will never be worth my full attention. Wake me when they institute a salary cap and a real playoff system. Don’t like it? Sod off you fucking wankers, or some other gay expression.

No. 2 – Mets sign Gary Sheffield

Keith nailed this one yesterday when he wrote, “Gary Sheffield is a broken-down ex-steroid has-been with a pull-string coming out of his ass.  Pulling it gives you phrases like “Yo it’s Gary Sheffield. ‘Fuck you’” and “I want to help my team out any way I can. So get the fuck out of my way, bitch!” I’d pay $1,000 for that doll. Maybe $10,000.

I intensely hate Sheffield, and that doesn’t just change because he’s suddenly on my team. I was talking about it with my dad, a Mets season ticket holder, and he said, “I don’t like him either, but it’s not like you’re going to root for him to strike out when he comes up with the winning run on base, right?” Sorry dad, I will be rooting for him to strike out. Some things are more important than wins. I just hope he sucks so bad that they quickly decide it’s a failed experiment and we can get back to our normally scheduled season. Watching him butcher balls in the freakshow that is right field at New Shea might be entertaining once or twice, but eventually it’s going to seem cruel, like picking on the retarded.

No. 3 – Opening Day day games

I love tradition as much as the next baseball fan not named Bob Costas, who surely rubs his cock raw every Opening Day, but this shit has got to go. Day baseball makes you all nostalgic and shit, but it’s only really good if you’re skipping work (or unemployed) and going to the game. Having to watch it at work sucks ass. You can’t concentrate, and the other losers in the office make jokes that aren’t remotely funny. I waited all offseason for baseball, and now that it’s here I can’t watch it at home, drunk, on my HDTV? There is no god.

No. 4 – Hockey

My Rangers enter the last week of the season tied in points with the Florida Panthers for the last playoff spot in the Eastern Conference. They play 7th seed Montreal tonight (a game I had to give up tickets to, which was heartbreaking) and then finish up with a home and home series with the hated Flyers on Thursday/Sunday. If they win out they’re in. If they don’t they need the Panthers to lose somewhere along the way. No jokes – this is too serious. Because as much as I know they don’t have the horses to win the Stanley Cup this year, hockey is one of those crazy sports where literally anyone can win it, especially with a good goaltender, which the Rangers certainly have. At the very least, I’m holding out hope that they clinch that last spot so I can enjoy another week or two of my favorite team, maybe more. Plus, the Rangers recently went almost a full decade without a playoff appearance, so I still appreciate just making it into the playoffs. Anyone who doesn’t is an asshole.

No. 5 – Plaxico Burress wins grievance/loves cops

Plax won back most of the money the team fined him for his shooting incident that ruined what would’ve been a Super Bowl repeat. This bothers me. The arbiter’s rationale was that the Giants couldn’t withhold part of his signing bonus because Plax did not “willfully take action” that prevented him from playing. Oh, so it was someone else who put that loaded gun in his pants that night. Thanks for clearing that up, Mr. Law School.

And did you hear about Plax’s recent traffic stop for weaving in and out of traffic at a speed of 80 in a 50 mph zone? He responded to every question and command from the officer with “Fuck you,” then told him he’d get back at him because he knew the sheriff. This was also Plax’s fifth traffic stop in the last month and a half. It’s good to see Plax has learned his lesson. This is a fantastic story, and if it doesn’t end with someone dead or seriously maimed I’m going to be super disappointed.

No. 6 – Bill Simmons’ podcast

Keith and I were recently talking about how Simmons’ column has slipped in quality, but his podcast is where he brings the thunder. I’d even begun thinking he should switch to a career in radio, because his podcasts are that good. Well fuck my duck, he went and screwed it up. Since Keith and I had that conversation, Simmons’ guests have been some ESPN honcho/blowhard who caused both Keith and I to turn him off after 15 minutes; the boring outgoing ESPN ombudsman (a two-parter!); ESPN fantasy guru/nerd Matthew “The Worst B.S. Report Guest Ever” Berry (yet another two-parter), Jack O (still another two-parter), and douchebag fellow ESPN columnist Rick Reilly (thankfully only one part, otherwise I might have gone all shooty like the nutjob in Binghamton.) Keith thinks Jack O is getting too much airtime recently, and while I agree to some extent, his appearances last week were an oasis in a desert of shit. Someone please bring back the real Bill Simmons. 

No. 7 – Fantasy Basketball

Where’s the Beef (Wennington)? In the fucking finals of our NBA fantasy league, that’s where! We’re taking on a team called Pflueger Honda, which sounds like a company that would try to take on Dunder Mifflin in a corporate Olympic showdown in what I bet would be a great episode of “The Office.” Those Honda punks are going down, even though they won their semifinal matchup 8-1 and we eekedout a 5-4 victory over the Psychedelic Runaways.

I’ll have more to say about this later in the week, but for now I’m wondering what Keith and I should do with our roster. We’d been getting by benching either Chris Duhon (who has started to pick it up again recently) or Roger Mason, but with Ginobli now out for the season, the Spurs say Mason will pick up Manu’s minutes. Does that mean we should play him? If so, who sits? I say Zach Randolph, especially after his DWI arrest early yesterday morning. But he always puts up double-doubles. Such a dilemma. Maybe Keith’s brilliant mathematical mind can figure it all out for me. It saves me work, and I can blame it on him if we lose. Nice!