Hernandez and I took a bye week last week from our picks column as I travelled to Spain, particularly Barcelona which translates loosely from Spanish into “land of beautiful women on mopeds”. They should strongly consider making this an Olympic sport by the time they get to to Rio de Janeiro. I was discussing with some Brits while I was there that all you really need to get by without any Spanish is ‘hola’, ‘gracias’ and ‘cerveza por favor’, but now I need to add “¿Puedo satisfacer me siento en la parte posterior de su motocicleta?” (May I please sit on the back of your motorcycle?)
But while I was in Sevilla, I got to witness the insanely out-of-time-and-place experience of a bullfight. I knew next to nothing about bullfighting going in, except that the bull gets killed at the end. Some observations:
-Bullfighting is *expensive*! I went on a night featuring ‘up-and-coming’ bullfighters, which means that tickets were discount-priced, which means I got the cheapest seat in the house for…22 EUROS! Well, stick a sword in me until I collapse on the ground, then finish me with a knife to the skull and drag me off with a team of horses!
-I’m not sure I’d ever seen anything that large die with my own eyes before (unless you count the 2009 New York Mets), which is the main reason I went–to gawk. I expected to see a bunch of old men there, drinking and smoking, and maybe a bunch of younger guys because there was no league soccer that weekend — Spain was in Armenia playing a World Cup qualifying match. Instead I saw plenty of couples, families, small kids, all behaving extremely well. And no one was drinking! Maybe they spent their beer money on their tickets, but come on! It’s hot out, you’re at a sporting event and you’re watching *stabbing*. Get a buzz going!
-I did also know that bulls aren’t actually excited by the color red, which makes sense. If they were put off by bright colors, surely the Liberace-meets-Evel-Knievel outfits those bullfighters wear would’ve driven the bulls into a Donald Brashearian bloodbath.
-Bullfighting is, uh, not a fight, at all and actually extremely boring. Within two minutes of entering the ring, the bull is tranquilized! That’s it. Then they drag out the actual ‘fight’ for another 15-20 minutes. Yet somehow, as bad as the bull has it, right before he gets tranquilized and stabbed for the first time he still gets a chance to gore the shit out of an unsuspecting horse, who is sitting in the corner of the arena with blinders on, ridden by the guy who’s looking to get the fix in. That’s fucking ridiculous! What do horses have to go through before they lose a little gullibility? One day the horses are going to rise up and the beat the shit out of us; it won’t be pretty.
But back to the boringness. There is an extremely precise order of events that took place in every single match. There are only two moments of extreme drama in every fight, which lasts about 20 minutes: the first time the bull charges the man on horseback and plows into the horse while his rider, and when the sword goes into the bull’s back and he eventually drops to the ground, where he is put out of his abject misery. The first moment is like a big hit from a safety on an unsuspecting receiver in football. The second moment is like Fredo getting shot at the end of Godfather II, it just leaves you sick, and mildly fascinated that this is all happening as entertainment.
Speaking of entertainment, IKH had a visitor today! A blogger by the name of Josh Dhani, who lists his age as 12-13 (he writes in his bio “I may be 13 years old, heck, you never know: I may be 12”; [well, why don’t you learn to count? Ritard), linked to an old salty post from Hernandez in a rambling, unintelligible post about H1N1 and sports, I think. He starts it off with a profanity-laden skit about a guy who gets swine flu from fucking a pig (OOGA OOGA), carefully censoring all his profanity.
Then, apropos of nothing, he reveals this was entirely inspired by me and Hernandez:
Okay, I know that conversation that just happened up there had nothing to do with what I am trying to say right now, you do know that, right? Yeah, I really hope so. I mean, I wouldn’t really post that kind of stuff on the Internet. At least I put those * symbols. That’s good, right?
Unlike this article right here. I mean, they show the real damn thing! And their blog is so freaking messed up, I mean God what come down here and strike him down. He’s dead. He gone. He done. Done for good. Done for all eternity. Yep.
Whoa. Whoa right there, you little shit.
(Aside: Before I proceed, let me say that one of the criticisms logged against those of us who write inflammatory shit on the internet that we’re cowards who can hide behind our anonymity. Well since this kid is “maybe” 13, I can’t go down to his house and beat the crap out of him, so giving him the skewering I’m about to serve up…isn’t it really the heroic path in this instance?)
So Joshy–you find the Internet to be no place for foul-mouthed filth. Fair enough. But you wished death on me and my compadre, so prepare to feel some foul-mouthed wrath, you little fucking shit.
(1) First, let’s start off with a writing lesson, you bleedy cunt. Your story is purportedly about LeBron James and H1N1, but you mention this in your *40th* paragraph. This is the awful, awful practice known as “burying the lede”, when you put the point of your stupid childish shit so far down in your story that no one knows what you’re talking about. Only in this case, you buried the lede, dug it up, skullfucked it, and buried it again.
(2) If you haven’t hit puberty yet, I take back the line about the skullfucking. But now would be a great time to go down to your local inkshop, get ‘Necrophilia means never having to say you’re sorry” tattooed across your chest, and showing your grandma.
(3) You’re exceptionally stupid for a 13-year old, who hasn’t yet been sucked into the brain-cell-killing exercises of drug & alcohol abuse, 40+ no-future years of a dead-end job & anxiety-related insomnia. (Not to mention erectile dysfunction, in-laws, and debt (if you’re lucky, in this country, you will die owing money.) So why do you say completely false things like “I live in the great state of Indiana and everyone has H1N1, which is swine.”
First of all, H1N1 does not come solely from pigs–it also comes from birds and humans. Idiot! But more importantly, Indiana is not a great state. Why? Well, first because no Presidents come from there. (Ohio, next door to you, has *seven*. Do some fucking research.) Also, Jim Jones was born in Indiana. Look him up on Wikipedia, or try searching “Jonestown Massacre.”
The most famous person from Indiana is probably Michael Jackson. And he was murdered. And not even because he molested children. I mean, what’s up with that?
(4) You shouldn’t wish death upon anyone. If you really hate someone, chronic pain is much worse, and leaves many begging for death, which has spurred great debate over physician-assisted suicide.
(5) When you are 47 years old, you would consider paying money to fuck a pig. It’ll mean missing the next child-support payment, but you’ll consider it for the better part of a night. That’s what the next 34 years are going to do to you.
On to my picks!
Giants (+2.5) over SAINTS
A pick from the heart. The Saints are at home off a bye week, blitz like crazy, and Eli’s mobility is in question. But it’s the New York Giants! I was in Spain last week, and I didn’t get to see them. It’s early enough in the season that the outcome of this game doesn’t truly matter–NFC bragging rights don’t mean much in mid-October. But how often do you get to see two teams who are stellar on both sides of the ball? Every possession will count in this one.
JETS (-9.5) over Bills
I trust Rex Ryan will have the Jets primed for this one. The Bills are not a good team.
TEXANS (+5) over Bengals
The Bengals are definitely a story so far this year, with their thrilling last-minute wins against Pittsburgh and Baltimore. And they could be 5-0 without that crazy Brandon Stokley catch to end Game 1. They could win this one by a touchdown, and if they did, they’re to be seriously talked about. Go on, Cincy. I dare ya. I don’t think you’re gonna make it.
PACKERS (-13.5) over Lions
The Pack just got humiliated by the Vikings. They’ve got to be pissed. When sports fans get pissed, they punch walls. When the Packers get pissed, they punch the Lions.
STEELERS (-14.5) over Browns
I don’t really like this pick. I don’t really like these teams, to be honest. But the Steelers have got to show some life this week. They’re not designed to blow out teams, but I think they need to this week.
Chiefs (+6.5) over REDSKINS
Anyone who follows football has probably heard the statistic for the first 6 weeks of this NFL season, the Redskins have yet to face a team who has won a game. That’s too easy! There’s no question they should be 4-1 and making noise in the NFC East. But they’re not. I picture Jim Zorn on the sideline calling plays through his fat-fish lips and his fish-fat brain, and thinking the Redskins will be psyched if they can win by a FG.
BUCS (+3.5) over Panthers
It was 87 degrees and Sunny on my last day in Spain, and it was mid-October. I couldn’t be bothered to worry about what two shitty football teams are doing on Sunday. Now that I’m back to 50 degree New York, I still don’t care.
JAGS (-9.5) over Rams
Last week the Jags lost 41-0, and they are 10 point favorites over the Rams. I expect them to win by 30. I’ll be honest…I still can’t tell the Jaguars from the Panthers.
Ravens (+3) over VIKINGS
No way this pick is right. Baltimore is slipping, and probably not the team I thought they were. But I badly, badly want a Ravens victory here. If they win, I’ll buy my adorable nephew in Baltimore a Ravens jersey.
Eagles (-14.5) over RAIDERS
You know how great it feels to go to work for a week when your boss is on vacation? You get in late every day, leave early every day, dress down every day, get more work done, but feel like you got a vacation in the office? Such a great feeling. This is like the class field trip to the amusement park. This is what the Eagles must feel like this week.
If I were coaching the Eagles, I’d give the starters $1,000 each in strip club spending money and promise them another $1,000 if they can make it to the game in time to suit up for the second quarter.
SEAHAWKS (-3) over Cardinals
Kurt Warner is going to get injured in this one. I can feel it.
PATRIOTS (-9.5) over Titans
Poor Titans. Absolute nightmare of a start to the season for them, and now they have to go face a pissed-off Tom Brady. Sorry, kids.
Bears (+3.5) vs. FALCONS
I find this to be the most intriguing game this week. Not because these teams are top-caliber; this one won’t be as entertaining as Saints/Giants or Vikings/Ravens. But we have two teams with talented but unproven quarterbacks, extremely talented running backs, and questionable defenses who are both making a solid case for a playoff spot. Both teams have a chance to make a statement here.
CHARGERS (-3.5) vs. Broncos
I realize this is the third time I’m doing this — I’m picking against the team I think will win because I’m not convinced they have what it takes to pull it off. The Chargers are mediocre at best, and the Broncos have surprised just about everyone with their 5-0 record. I’d enjoy seeing Denver win this one, but they may be due for a bitchslap.