Hernandez and I took a bye week last week from our picks column as I travelled to Spain, particularly Barcelona which translates loosely from Spanish into “land of beautiful women on mopeds”. They should strongly consider making this an Olympic sport by the time they get to to Rio de Janeiro. I was discussing with some Brits while I was there that all you really need to get by without any Spanish is ‘hola’, ‘gracias’ and ‘cerveza por favor’, but now I need to add “¿Puedo satisfacer me siento en la parte posterior de su motocicleta?” (May I please sit on the back of your motorcycle?)
In my last post I vowed to stop writing about hockey for a while because my Rangers were out of the playoffs and I was boring all 12 of of our readers. I wasn’t planning on taking a hiatus from the blog altogether, but that’s what ended up happening. Oh well. You live, you learn, you suppress the memory until it erupts at an inappropriate time. Or maybe that’s just me.
Anyway, if you haven’t noticed I’ve been gone, it’s probably because you’ve been entertained and informed by my esteemed colleagues Keith and Mex. (Also, fuck you for not noticing. I knew you were only pretending to like me all along.) Keith is always the balls, but Mex has been a godsend these last few weeks, embarking on what we hope is a long partnership on IKH at the exact time I wasn’t contributing a damn thing. Mex, I can’t thank you enough.
I’ll be honest; I don’t know Mex all that well, even though he is quite clearly a great guy and we shared one of the greatest moments of my life (the same strippers and Def Lepard thing we’ve already beaten within an inch of its life – the joke, not the strippers.) So while I was enthusiastic when Keith asked him to start writing here because I’m always up for something new, I’ll admit my sports snobbery was locked and loaded. Nothing’s worse than a sports poser, and any real fan can spot ’em a mile away.
Well, as his first posts have proven, I’m obviously a dickhead. Anyone who writes, as Mex did, “I skipped over Dancing with the Stars and American Idol to go from Bruins to Celtics, and eventually the Red Sox, Wings/Ducks, and Rockets/Lakers,” is someone I want to be friends with. You can’t fake that shit.
There is Keith Hernandez artwork going up all around Billyburg. Photo snapped from our good friend Traveler’s Diagram. This is sexy-flavored amazing.
Keith’s baseball pet peeves list got me thinking, “Hey, what if I can’t come up with a unique topic for a post either? Can I just make up a list of random shit like he did?” The answer is yes, I can, and to make it even more random I won’t limit myself to baseball. Also, it won’t be nearly as funny as his list. But what else is new? I can’t top Tim McCarver giving Derek Jeter a Ricola blowjob, and neither can you.
No 1. – March Madness
Was this the worst NCAA tournament of all time, or just one of the worst? I say the worst. There was only one memorable game in the entire tournament, and it was when Pittsburgh beat… jeez, it’s on the tip of my tongue… well, someone on a last-second buzzer beater to make the Great 8. Two weeks later I honestly can’t remember who they beat, so it obviously wasn’t an instant classic. There weren’t very many upsets overall, no unforgettable games, and most of the margins were double-digit, including all of the Final Four and the snoozefest that was the championship game.
Really, North Carolina won? The team everyone picked in the preseason because they had the most talented team in the country, the team that seemed headed for an undefeated season at one point before coasting to the regular season finish line? There’s no fun in that. This follows last year’s tournament when all four No. 1 seeds made the Final Four for the first time ever. Uh oh – this is becoming a little too much like the Premiership, where you know going in that some combination of Chelsea, Liverpool, Manchester United and Arsenal are going to be at the top of the table every season. That’s why the EPL will never be worth my full attention. Wake me when they institute a salary cap and a real playoff system. Don’t like it? Sod off you fucking wankers, or some other gay expression.
I’d like to thank Hernandez for taking the time to make the tits-to-readers connection. Although I’m guessing they’re only doing image searches on Google, we like to think we’re being read on a regular basis by a small but growing number of people. So expect to see women in various states of undress moving forward. If it takes bondage photos or wrestling lesbians to increase site traffic, then semper fi, motherfuckers.
“Tell me were you in the joint, the night Wilt scored 100 points?” Kurtis Blow, “Basketball”
Actually Kurtis, I wasn’t, and neither were you. In fact, hardly anyone was in the joint in Hershey, PA on this date exactly 47 years ago – March 2, 1962 – to see Wilt Chamberlain throw down 100 points against the Washington Generals New York Knicks. (Shit, that’s my team! Why did I bring this up again?) It’s a record that might not ever be broken, and it’s still incredible to this day. One of the biggest travesties in the history of sports apart from the existence of the WNBA and Barry Bonds is that no film or television footage exists of this game. All that we have is the radio call and the stupid picture I posted above that always gets shown whenever people talk about Wilt’s 100.
The fact that he dropped triple digits is already mind blowing, but I think in a strange way the lack of footage makes it even more legendary because we can’t actually know what happened. In my mind Wilt is taking the ball coast to coast, soaring majestically over the rim, every shot a windmill dunk or a spinning reverse layup. In reality, it’s a huge black guy bullying a bunch of skinny white guys who didn’t belong on the same court as him with an array of mid-range jumpers and tip-ins. Not that impressive when you really think about it.
In fact, it probably looked a lot like this…
Keith and I are playing a show tonight, so there’s no time to post anything today. We’ll be back Monday with some new shit, including NFL free agency, spring training, EPL football and NBA action. Until then, in the spirit of the best sports comedy website around – Kissing Suzy Kolber – enjoy the following photo, which IS sports related.
Danica Patrick and Her Ass