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We’re baaaaaack…

Hey dick biscuits!

You’d think that a blog named after a baseball player would’ve been busy all spring and summer talking about baseball.  Well, it turns out that baseball is boring to write about.  I think we all know it’s boring to watch unless you’re watching the team you root for.  My Cardinals have kept me captivated, as I’m sure Mex’s Red Sox have, but Hernandez’s Mets opened their new stadium with a season in crap. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Mets have a ‘Shit the Bed’ promotion later this month, where the first 5,000 paying fans get to head down to the field and excrete on a custom-built 90′ by 90′ mattress.  I’ll be selling chili and whiskey outside.

Yes, I know the Mets were plagued by injuries this year.  But usually one of the richest teams in baseball goes out and spends money on new players when these things happen.  The Mets just rolled over and died.   Is this because owner Fred Wilpon got hosed by Bernie Madoff?  Boohoo, Freddy.  You should’ve invested your paycheck in rent, booze and tacos like the rest of us.

That felt good!  It’s been a few months…

Anyway, baseball’s not IKH’s favorite subject to write about.  I don’t find it boring to read about, and there are a great number of excellent baseball writers who write about my Cardinals.  But I’ve come to the conclusion that the guys who write that stuff do a lot of research, present even-handed arguments, etc.  They have a lot of time and semen on their hands.

So what better day to get back to insulting you and entertaining ourselves than the opening day of the NFL season?  Let’s do this!

First order of bidness:  NFL picks.  Hernandez and I did this last year, we had a blast, and he got a free burger out of it.  This year we’ll add in Mex, so we may need to switch the prize to all-you-can-eat tacos.  And that reminds me–if you come to IKH for tepid, diarrhea-causing jokes, you are in luck, my friend.  We have grand plans for you.

Keith’s pick!  Steelers -6

Sunday picks coming soon.  I need to charge my phone and find out where the hell everybody is.


Cards/Mets! Keith’s team against Hernandez’s team (1 of 4)

20mets600.7My Cardinals came to New York this week, and Hernandez and I are attending the last game of this series,  and right now it’s slated to be Cardinals ace Chris Carpenter vs. Mets ace Johan Santana.  This is also the week where Hernandez gets his complimentary Donovan’s burger for beating me at football picks last year.

Leading up to that Thursday game, Hernandez and I are going to engage in some good old-fashioned trash-talking.  I’ve sent him 5 questions about his badly underperforming team, which he’ll respond to shortly.  Then he’ll return the favor, asking me 5 questions about my equally flawed team, which I’ll respond to a day later.

Summer: Lakers 3, Magic 1


Hola.  IKH is more or less on summer vacation.  Sure, there’s great stuff to talk about year ’round, and there’s lots happening.  But from May to August in the Northeastern American United States, hundreds of thousands of women emerge from a springtime of insecurity to weather their bodies with muscle tone and Coppertone.  As the sun shines on abs and calves, it gets a little ridiculous to worry about Kobe Bryant’s legacy, Manny Ramirez’s shrinking nutsack, and the like.

Let’s get one thing straight.  playing professional sports is about two things:  making shitloads of money and tagging the honeys with the Oh face mural.  It wasn’t always that way (because players used to be underpaid) but it is now.   Adrenaline = testerone.  We call our mothers and sisters on Mothers’ Day, and then we go out to get lost in skirts who traffic in margaritas and umbrella drinks.

Hernandez’s and Mex’s mileage may vary.  Hernandez believes in a thing called hockey, but when Game 7 of the NHL playoffs takes place in June and hinges on an asshole named Crosby (didn’t he use to be in Ratt?), I’m not buying it.  And Mex is a Red Sox fan which makes him part of a legendary group that I’d characterize as an eternal AA meeting without a 12-step program.

But I thought I’d stop by to gloat on my NBA Finals prediction that the Lakers would win the trophy this year, which is going to happen sometime next week.  Which, admittedly, I didn’t make on this site.  But Hernandez will vouch for me, or I’m lacing his celebratory Donovan’s burger. Continue reading

I’m Back, Bitches

In my last post I vowed to stop writing about hockey for a while because my Rangers were out of the playoffs and I was boring all 12 of of our readers. I wasn’t planning on taking a hiatus from the blog altogether, but that’s what ended up happening. Oh well. You live, you learn, you suppress the memory until it erupts at an inappropriate time. Or maybe that’s  just me.

Anyway, if you haven’t noticed I’ve been gone, it’s probably because you’ve been entertained and informed by my esteemed colleagues Keith and Mex. (Also, fuck you for not noticing. I knew you were only pretending to like me all along.) Keith is always the balls, but Mex has been a godsend these last few weeks, embarking on what we hope is a long partnership on IKH at the exact time I wasn’t contributing a damn thing. Mex, I can’t thank you enough.

I’ll be honest; I don’t know Mex all that well, even though he is quite clearly a great guy and we shared one of the greatest moments of my life (the same strippers and Def Lepard thing we’ve already beaten within an inch of its life – the joke, not the strippers.) So while I was enthusiastic when Keith asked him to start writing here because I’m always up for something new, I’ll admit my sports snobbery was locked and loaded. Nothing’s worse than a sports poser, and any real fan can spot ’em a mile away.

Well, as his first posts have proven, I’m obviously a dickhead. Anyone who writes, as Mex did, “I skipped over Dancing with the Stars and American Idol to go from Bruins to Celtics, and eventually the Red Sox, Wings/Ducks, and Rockets/Lakers,” is someone I want to be friends with. You can’t fake that shit.

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IKH welcomes its newest member!


I have swine flu. Continue reading

Site news and Bad Bulging News for Hernandez

First off – Hernandez are I pleased to announce that beginning this week all IKH posts will also be viewable at Bleacher Report, a site where fans can write, edit and comment upon each other’s submissions. Through these channels, it’s a community that strives to provide high-quality sports analysis which means three things:

(1) Hernandez and I are extremely happy to be part of their site, and we’ll be exposing ourselves to new readers in the process. I’m not sure how to warn them in advance.
(2) A lot our posts are going to get edited – I’m sure. I don’t know how this works exactly, but it should be fairly more difficult to sneak ‘cunt’ in from time to time.

Let’s talk about the swearing for a second, people. How else are we going to teach our children how to swear? Do we want them learning at school from possibly bad influences, or learning nuance in the loving family home? If your child learns about the birds and the bees at age 12, shouldn’t they learn about the Dirty Sanchez at age 13?

(3) Hernandez and I may be asked to leave before April. But doggone it, we’re gonna give it the old college try. See? I’m already cleaning up my mouth.
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Keith and I amuse ourselves to no end with this blog. If readers enjoy it too it’s a nice little bonus, but not a necessity. Especially if those readers are the usual thin-skinned pussies who root for the Toronto Raptors and can’t take a joke. Go defend Chris “RuPaul” Bosh somewhere else.
As you can tell, I’m not real concerned with who comes to this site, or how many. Still, I checked on this blog’s tracking stats today just for shits and giggles, and I’m glad I did because it learned me something fierce. The big lesson is that men like sports, but they love tits.

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