Tag Archives: Football Picks

The best way to name strip clubs (and Week 2 NFL picks)

Well hey, Casanovaginas!

You may need to read that twice.  It’s really better to say out loud–now that I think about it, it looks a lot like Casino Vaginas, which was not what I was trying to get across at all, and I duly apologize to any casino vaginas currently residing out there.  Try this — Casanova(gina)s.  Any better?

I was hoping to skip over here during the week and talk about something, anything really.  Like the fact that Champions League soccer started again this week and defending champions Barcelona wore pink uniforms against top Italian squad Inter Milan.  (I’ll tell you right now, that takes some serious balls.  You’ll never see NFL players do that, and you know why?  Because they’re huge pussies, afraid of their manhood.  That’s why they wear so many pads.)

But work was a bitch this week and kept me far from the stocked cooler that is IKH.  So bad, in fact, that my company bought some beers and pissed away the end of the week in our kitchen/lounge.

As is usually the case in these Friday afternoon sessions, the guys are congregated, and the women cower in the corners, or hide in their cubicles so as to avoid sexual assault.  One of their rank bravely approached the kitchen at 5:00 to announce she was heading to Vegas for an extended vacation with her husband.   A very bold move, considering the audience and the alcohol intake.

One of the guys coolly suggested she visit the Spearmint Rhino while she was there, and that her husband would really enjoy it.  Now I’m not a big Vegas guy, nor were the majority of the other guys in the room, but it’s so obvious just from the name that the Spearmint Rhino is a strip club.  (And frankly, a pretty gay sounding one.)

But as we sat there, I realized that there is a winning formula for naming a strip club.  It’s very similar to coming up with your Porn Name–your first name is your first pet and your last name is the street you grew up on.  Mine is Rusty Hazelwood, which is a fucking awesome porn name.  I have a friend from Germany whose porn name is about 10 syllables long, and is the funniest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.

But like I said, the formula for the strip club is this:  Flavor + Animal.  You can’t go wrong.  For the next two hours, my coworkers and I came up with 75-100 skin joint names that would do great business in a cesspool like Vegas, or our kitchen.  So I thought I’d roll them out with my Week 2 picks, in case there are any horny entrepreneurs out there.  Or, as I like to call them…Casino Vaginas.

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