Tag Archives: Giants

Of Punts and Pussy: Hernandez Week 2 Picks

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I loved Keith’s strip club post, but was a little disappointed he didn’t provide any raunchy photos to illustrate it. If there was ever a time to post T&A on IKH, this was it. It increases traffic to our site tenfold AND it makes my dick hard, which is a win-win for…well, me. A missed opportunity, but I’ll let it slide because The Creamy Otter is genius.

I’ve never been a strip joint guy myself. I’ve only ever been a handful of times, and it’s always unfulfilling. The whole dynamic seems cruel, and I mean to me, not the strippers. Something about not being able to fuck these women really sticks in my craw. Anyway, the only mildly interesting anecdote I have about a strip club is the first time I ever visited one. I was a sophomore in college just starting his first internship at a local television news station in Boston. The station sucked, but the internship was amazing because I basically worked as a reporter, going out with a cameraman to do interviews for our nightly news.

On one of my first days we got word of a triple murder/suicide somewhere north of the city and went to check it out. A guy had walked in on his girl doing some other dude, and he killed both of them and then himself. After asking around we were told off the record – gotta love the police – that the dead chick had been a stripper at a place in Rhode Island, the Mecca of strip clubs in the Northeast. (I realize that’s a little like saying Olive Garden is the Mecca of Italian restaurants in Cedar Rapids, but you get the drift.)

You know what comes next: we decide to go to the strip club to try to get some reaction from the victims co-workers. I walked into The Satin Doll trying as hard as I could not to act like a 19-year-old who had never been inside such a place. Didn’t happen. I managed to get a few questions in with the manager and the bartender, but the rest of the time was spent staring, mouth open, at the naked titties. I wanted so badly to be the hardened detective, like Gene Hackman in The French Connection. Instead I was more like Gene the Stock Boy at French Connection. On the plus side, I WAS pretty hardened.

So where does that leave us in terms of Week 2 of the NFL season? I have no fucking clue. Transitions are overrated anyway, and we’ve got a season to talk about.

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NFL Offseason Report, Volume 1

Roadkill

Roadkill

Are you ready for some football? If not, you suck.

Take a hike and watch March baseball, or better yet the increasingly predictable NCAA tourney. (14 of the 16 remaining teams are top-four seeds, and the others are a No. 5 and a No. 12 from powerhouse conferences. Yawn. Wake me when the cheerleaders stop shaving their pussies.)

This is actually a great time of year for sports, but it’s not because of the impending baseball circle jerk and March Madness. Sure, I’ll watch all that stuff too, but the main attraction is that the NBA and NHL are in the stretch run, with the playoffs looming, and the NFL continues its domination of all things sport by making headlines year-round.

I’ve been meaning to wrap up some news and notes from around the league for a while now, and now that some of the primetime matchups are starting to leak out, it’s time.
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Keith & Hernandez: Field Trip to Giants Stadium

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Hernandez and I thought we’d kick the new site off with a co-authored post about a football game we recently attended.  I’ll write in the slanty text so you can tell us apart.  Read my parts in the voice of Peter Lorre.

There are games, and then there are sporting events.  Keith and I went to a Giants/Ravens game earlier this season that kicked ass and was hella fun.  But what we experienced in the Meadowlands two weeks ago — Giants/Panthers, primetime, for all the marbles in the NFC — was a sporting event.  It was also the best football game I’ve ever been to.

I’ve seen some great contests over the years, including my share of overtime games, but only once was there as much on the line as there was in this game.  Not coincidentally, that game — Giants/Eagles in Philly on the last day of the 2001 regular season — was the best game I had ever attended in person.  Until two weeks ago.

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My first NFL Game (or how I spent my summer vacation)

Wow. What a sensory overload. After 14 years in New York, Hernandez graciously invited me to my first New York Giants game.

No question, I’m a fair-weather, newborn fan. The kind of fan that would get his ass cracked in the bathroom if they knew I wasn’t the real deal. Which, come to think of it, they should’ve realized when they saw the St. Louis Cardinals cap.

Doesn’t matter. New York Giants fans are ecstatic, excited, friendly, and unified. After pulling off the most thrilling Super Bowl upset of all time, the Giants are largely considered the best team in the NFL. They’re fired up for games, playing well at both ends, playing for their coach who was controversial a year ago.

That’s all logical guessing. Truth is, I was gettin fucked up in a Meadowlands parking garage with Hernandez. I’d like to plug the sandwich place he picked up our pre-gametime sandwiches at, but I forget the name. I’d like to plug the beer that got me drunk but it was Coors Light, and chugging six of anything will make you lightheaded. (Hear that, brady bunch?)

Hernandez has been a lifetime Giants fan and regaled me with tales of three generations of Giants fans pissing on the same concrete wall in the same parking garage we tailgated in. We had a spirited conversation about the best fan jersey he’d seen, and I can’t believe I remember this (I have a shitty memory) but he told me an amazing Ron Dayne jersey story. Ron Dayne ran for the Giants in a decade past. Uh, come to think of it, could you tell the story again Hernandez?

The game was incredible. *Incredible*. The energy spouting from the field consumes the fans. I know NFL football as a game that lasts 3 hours plus but only features 15 minutes of action, and figured there’d be a lot of standing around. Not at all.

The main distraction is the fans. I’ve been to hundreds of sporting events, and there are always true fanatics, fueled by allegiance and community and history, and probably a fair amount of $8 Natural Lights. But the people around us were legitimately thrilled. A guy standing behind me with his 10-year old son gave commentary that was always earnest, always well-informed, almost always on target, and usually hilarious — better than any commentator working on Fox or CBS this year.

Further than that was the Giants themselves. For the random game that Hernandez invited me to, the Giants proved they are the best team in the NFL. This is not some economic thing where the Giants are the Yankees and can buy the best team money can buy–they are the same team they were last year. Only worse. They’ve lost Strahan and Umenyiora, the anchors of their pass rush. They’ve lost media beast Jeremy Shockey, who was a hard-ass blocker and receiver and was able to deflect a lot of media coverage off Eli.

No matter anymore. Strahan is gone. Umenyiora has been out all season. Jeremy Shockey is a Saint (and injured). And Eli is not the quarterback he’s ever been in New Jersey. He’s confident. He makes mistakes, he makes passes, but foremost the Giants fans believe in him.

And the Giants are the best team in the NFL. I got to see them.