Mush!

Apparently Sarah Palin ain’t the only bitch in Alaska. Dozens of the canine kind just wrapped up the annual pointless exercise in how far a pea-brained animal can run when it’s whipped and starved, otherwise known as the Iditarod. This is the kind of crazy shit Alaskans have to think up to keep themselves (relatively) sane. My guess is they need to come up with something better than a ridiculously long dog sled race, seeing as how they have abnormally high rates of suicide, domestic abuse and fetal alcohol syndrome. But hey, at least the weather’s nice, right?

One guy who loves Alaska is Lance Mackey, who just won his third consecutive Iditarod. He mushed his dogs over more than 1,000 miles of frozen, barren trail in an amazing 9 days, 21 hours. What an incredible athletic achievement.

Did you stop laughing yet? Don’t, because wait till you hear what the Los Angeles Times had to say in its coverage of the race:

“[Mackey’s] dogs, especially lead dog Larry, deserve as much credit as the 38-year-old Fairbanks musher.”

How generous of the reporter! I mean, sure, Mackey had the herculean task of standing – and sometimes sitting – on a sled for almost 10 straight days, but those mutts deserve at least some of the credit for all that, you know, running.

And hey, it’s not like it’s unsafe for the dogs, right? Right? Come correct L.A. Times:

“Lance and Larry, et al, crossed the finish line Wednesday at 11:38 a.m. in brilliant sunshine after almost 10 days on a bitter-cold trail, which, unfortunately claimed the lives of two huskies owned by a rookie musher.”

Ouch! Killing two of the participants in your race is a classic rookie mistake. But that musher will learn. Next year he’ll know exactly how hard to beat his dogs and for how long. And they will love him for it.

OR, if they have any brain power and self respect, they’ll snap in the middle of the night and eat him alive somewhere between Nulato and Kaltag, which for my money is the toughest stretch of the race. What, you think I don’t know shit about the Iditarod? Nigga pleeze!